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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my marriage?

75 replies

BreathlessCommotion · 29/02/2020 20:27

I know I can end it for any reason I want etc. I have been building up to it for months (years even), but when confusing in a couple of close friends they've made me doubt myself.

Without writing war and peace, we've been married for 12 years. We married very quickly, bought a house, and had oldest DC all within first 2 years. Also have younger dc who has autism. Right from the beginning I have had thoughts of leaving.

He was emotionally abusive, especially after I was pregnant (he wasn't sure about children, dc1 was a contraception failure). This meant that I did the lions share of baby care. If anything went wrong, or was just a bit shit (colic, sickness, sleepless nights) it was always my fault--this is what I wanted.

There was name calling when he was angry or stressed, although he wouldn't really talk or argue about anything, just shut down. Nasty comments made. I lived in fear of breaking anything, something going wrong as it would always be my fault. I had a minor car accident and this was horrendous. Things like this were never forgotten, brought up and again and again--insurance expensive because of me.

He hated me going out with friends, even before children as he doesn't really like it. If he came we'd end up going home stupidly early because he was tired.

He has said before he was so angry he wanted to punch me, although nothing physical. Lots of coerced sex. I was very unwell after dc 2 was born- had zero support, help, sympathy. It was my fault for wanting another child.

He hates going on holiday and manages to ruin any trip with his moods. I suspected he might have autism too, and he was assessed but didn't meet the threshold due to lack of evidence from his childhood.

A year ago I said it was over. He was heartbroken (I was surprised, I had made plans in case he turned nasty). I agreed to counselling and he made massive changes. It was genuinely better than it was. But slowly it has started to go backwards, I think it's exhausting for him to maintain. And I just don't think I love him. The damage has already been done. He has said some very nasty things about me that still effect me.

But my friend keeps telling to make sure I'm sure, could more counselling help. I think it's because I've never told much of how he has been to me. But I'm not being unreasonable am I? I know the dc will be devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 01/03/2020 09:14

I've already spoken to a solicitor. The ideal, for the dc, would be for me to stay in the house with them and him move out. But I'm aware that he might refuse or make it difficult.

There are added complications, like we have a dog (which he isn't particularly fond of and finds annoying to care for) which makes renting tricky.

I will get everything in place.

OP posts:
Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 01/03/2020 09:16

Should say I'd be happy with 50:50 custody, but I don't think he'd want that or cope. He doesn't cope very well in his own the the dc.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 01/03/2020 09:17

He's a cunt, an abuser and a rapist. There's no way you can have a happy life with him.

hazell42 · 01/03/2020 09:25

Leave

It's never been great has it?
My husband was the same.
He was clealy unhappy in the marriage and was as nasty as he could be, to force me to be the one to end it, then every time I tried, he broke down and said he loved me and wanted to give it another try.
But it never lasted
Because at bottom, he didn't want to be married.
He was a coward thoughout. He let me do the dirty work of breaking up, then at the moment he got what he wanted, he got cold feet and cried.
In the end, I followed through and he has spent the last 10 years telling the world I was the love of his life, and broke his heart.
But, he doesnt look broken-hearted.
Don't listen to what he says. Listen to what he does.
Your husband's actions are telling you he wants out of this marriage.
Believe them
You want out too, so it should be ok
But he is clearly a coward. so do be prepared to be the one to call time on the marriage, because he never will.
He will just get nastier and nastier until you do.
For my part, I have never regretted telling him to go and only wish I had followed through earlier.

Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 01/03/2020 17:03

I think I have all my ducks in a row. I've spoken to a solicitor, I have options to discuss with him about housing, contact with children etc. The only asset either of us has is the house. We have a little bit of debt.

It comes down to whether I stay in the house with DC for a few years, until I can afford to buy him out. Or we sell and split. Or I move out to rented with children.

Just got to summon the nerve now.

OP posts:
Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 01/03/2020 17:07

A really bug hurdle to sort out is that we have both adjusted our working to accommodate dc with autism. She can't do childcare. I still need him to do before and after school care on some days in order for me to work.

OP posts:
Babooshkar · 01/03/2020 17:08

Good luck OP Flowers

Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 02/04/2020 00:02

I did summon the nerve. And then the bloody lockdown happened. He still thinks we just need more counselling. Lockdown is confirming my need to escape.

OP posts:
WineAndTiramisu · 02/04/2020 02:34

Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you manage to get rid of him soon...

SucculentCandle · 02/04/2020 05:20

He'll be devastated and I'll feel awful.
He'll get over it and so will you, but if you don't do this you'll have a lifetime of feeling awful.

I really feel for you and I hope you can find your way out of this asap.

I think you'll do just fine without him.

cakecakecheese · 02/04/2020 08:02

OP if you look in the Relationships section you'll find threads from other people who are also in lockdown in relationships they don't want to be in, it might be good to talk to people in a similar situation.

lmcneil003 · 02/04/2020 08:17

YANBU for wanting to leave the marriage. YABU for doing it in the middle of this crisis. Wait until COVID is over then leave.

Warsawa31 · 02/04/2020 08:18

Life is too short isn’t it OP, ASD isn’t an excuse for anything- my best friend had Aspergers but is the most loving and kind husband and father I know. It’s down to the person themselves.

He hates going on holiday, Hates going out, leaves all the childcare to you. Does it hurt him to smile? Fuck that - LTB and live your life

Grumpos · 02/04/2020 08:57

That’s shitty timing.
But you’ve said it. You’ve made your decision and it is being reinforced as the right decision as each day passes.
If nothing can be organised now then try to remain civil, calm and non confrontational at the moment then as soon as lockdown is seemingly drawing to an end get him out.
If he is devastated that’s his own fucking fault - you’ve had counselling and tried to forgive and forget what an absolute arsehole he’s been but sometimes we cannot And should not overlook past events. Plus he is slowly reverting to the spiteful person he really is.
He sounds like he needs intensive psychotherapy to unravel why he is emotionally abusive and narcissistic- that’s not your job or problem. The sooner you are aware from him the better.
Good luck!

Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 04/04/2020 00:53

He is so determined to change and be better and to work in it. It's so hard to say that I just don't want to. That it's too late, or something. I don't know.

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 04/04/2020 01:11

You don’t want to, that’s got to be good enough really.

Queenie8 · 04/04/2020 02:03

Just because we're in lockdown, doesn't mean you can't leave or ask him to leave. The current situation is highlighting everything that is wrong......

If either of you can find longish term (ie 3+ months alternative accommodation), there is no reason jot to split. The current circumstances are highlighting everything that is wrong. You ALL deserve better.

Good luck 🤞🏻

billy1966 · 04/04/2020 05:44

OP, he sounds odious and you have tolerated him for years.

Its over and you know it.

He had his chance to be kind and decent.

Don't waste any energy on him and his "devastation"..too little, too late.

Focus on moving forward. Flowers

FatMatress · 04/04/2020 06:01

Just keep saying ‘I don’t want to.’ The arrogance of this man in thinking all he’s got to do is alter a few things in future and suddenly you’ll be magically fine with the years of rape and abuse.

Best wishes, OP. You can do this. What you want is more important than what he wants.

Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 05/04/2020 21:27

I'm going to speak to him again tonight. And if all else fails, I've written it down to give him or send him.

OP posts:
happywifi99 · 06/04/2020 01:57

I'm sorry you're in such a hard situation, I hope the talk goes well. I think you're doing the right thing - you sound miserable. You could be so much happier. Flowers

Weenurse · 06/04/2020 02:03

Good luck 💐

summerfruitssquash · 06/04/2020 09:21

Hope it went ok OP

Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 06/04/2020 11:00

It didn't go at all. The kids bedtime went on too long and it was really late. I am going to do it today though.

OP posts:
Original poster
BreathlessCommotion · 06/04/2020 11:02

I know I'm such a coward. I wish I could tell him and then leave. But I can't. By parents are in the shielded group and live 200 miles away.

I will put my big girl pants on today.

OP posts:
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