To think she is CF to invite herself to stay?

[viccat]

A friend (if I can call her that) messaged me on FB earlier today to say she was thinking of finally coming to visit London and stay at mine around Easter or perhaps in the summer... she already has a dog sitter sorted and everything, it's perfect for her.

Now, I knew her ages ago - haven't met her in person for over 14 years, we occasionally comment on each other's FB posts but don't ever speak other than that (last FB messenger exchange was over 5 years ago). We were never super close friends although we were in each other's lives at a time we were both struggling with something (separately) and I suppose felt closer because of that... But I was very young, late teens/early 20s (she's a bit older) and even though we spoke about her coming to visit when I first moved to London, life has moved on A LOT in 15 years! I'd be happy to meet up for a cuppa and a catch up but not give up several days to accommodate her.

AIBU to think she's being a CF thinking she can use me as a free hotel? And to expect an invitation that was maybe made all those years ago is going to be open forever...

My view is coloured by the fact that I'm the biggest introvert and literally never have anyone stay these days. I have a spare room but it doesn't even have a bed, it's my home office. My mental health hasn't been great for months now and the thought of having anyone stay is my worst nightmare. Plus, I'm working and busy with a big work project so it'd be terrible timing. My answer is definitely going to be no, I just need to figure out how to word it so a.) I don't leave it in any way open for her to think she can come another time b.) I don't sound too rude - I don't want to upset her even though I'm definitely not having her stay. Ever. Over my dead body.

If it matters, she would be coming from abroad.
With the corona virus outbreak I also feel like it would be a terrible idea at Easter anyway to fly into Heathrow and come to stay. What if she got ill and ended up in quarantine at mine for 14 days!

Make sure she realises that it is not just the Easter visit which is not on, but you won’t be available In the summer either, regardless of whatever dates she suggests.

if you say 'Sorry, I've made plans to go away at that time,' then how do you respond if a CF says, 'Can I stay at your place while you're away?' I've been faced with that.

"What a shame, we can't have people to stay at the moment but I hope you have a lovely time in (city)"

You have no obligation to explain why and if she asks then use my favourite "I won't bore you it's a long story!"

As someone who often has a problem with confrontation that one has been a game changer!

faracrossthepond yes I would have done the same. Of course what you should have done was what they did in Nancy Mitford’s The Pursuit Of Love. They all lay on the floor when guests arrived and Uncle Matthew stood looking angry and glaring out of the window.

No reason required either say “ sorry but I will not be able to put you up” .
Or ignore her, ie don’t respond.
I prefer the first option.

Say you are not very well and you have no room, sorry. That your house isn,'t suitable to have anyone staying. But say you are sorry about that and it would be nice to just meet up somewhere for an afternoon, or for lunch.

Don't give any excuses or explanations or they will come up with a way around. Just say you can't do it and if they ask why, say you can't discuss it.

I live in a tourist area. Years ago I had a 'friend' who used to phone about 2 weeks before the start of each school holiday. 'What are you doing for Easter?' she would casually enquire. When I replied 'Nothing much' she would say 'Oh good, we can come and visit then'. Treated the place like a hotel having long lie ins whilst I looked after all the kids and got breakfast etc. etc.
After a couple of times, the dreaded phone call happened and she said they were coming to visit. I said I didn't feel up to visitors so then she said 'Oh that's fine. We'll get a cottage nearby and just come to you for meals'.
Shortly after this conversation, I wrote and said the friendship was over.

I agree with other PP’s. Keep it short and matter of fact. Hi CF, lovely to hear you are visiting London. I’m not in a position to host you/accommodate/put you up, but happy to meet for coffee/drink etc. Let me know dates as I’m about to head up a large project and my availability will be limited.

She'sCurly, I'll remember that line! Good one!

So glad that I'm not the only one!

Live in London, but am originally from abroad and being lucky enough to have most fantastic friends/family across the world who would put us up without a heartbeat, I would neverrrrrr expect it like an entitlement.
And ofcourse I have a handful of acquaintances (even that is a bit of a reach tbh), who think they are absolutely 100% entitled to stay at mine without any consideration to my life or that we are practically strangers!
Firstly - a former classmate from secondary school contacted me. I haven't seen her 15-16 years easy, if not more. She said she's coming to London these and these dates. Asking "Where can I stay?" i told her all the regular accommodation sites etc, to which she promptly replied "Already gone through these with fine comb. Don't you live in London anymore then? How far do do you live now then?" I just said "Shame you didn't find what you was looking for. Best of luck with your trip!" She didn't come and haven't heard from her since.
2nd - my mums friends wanky boyfriend wanted to move to London and was asking if "I could get him on his feet?" I was like what do you mean - help with paperwork?
He expected me to put him up for free, didn't want to work, but "inhale the foreign culture for a start" and didn't have any money. I was like "Nope. Don't have patience for this." He later slagged me off to our mutual friends how I had told him to fuck off and how I wasn't "kind enough to give him a free tour around London, because I earn plenty!"
Have few more, but these two honestly. I now cut all conversations when people from past crawl out from their woodworks.

This reminds me of when I was younger and lived abroad in a touristy place. My friend (from the UK)'s parents were planning on 'surprising' my mum, dad and me by rocking up to our house one summer. Only got wind of it as my friend spilled to another mutual friend in her excitement, whose parents informed mine. My mum was fuming! They thought we could all pause school/work/life to put them up for a holiday and show them around.

@PoloMama your post was very nasty and unnecessary

Absolutely CF. And I live in the UK but visit my home country yearly so I'm highly sensitive to putting people out with potential visits (ie, when I contact them I am sure to say that xyz dates we 'could' come stay with them but if it's easier we can also just meet at a neutral location for lunch. Because that's what normal non CFers say!!)

Also, when I say 'people' I mean people I am very close friends with, definitely have spoken to at least semi-regularly in my absence, and always enjoy a good long catchup with every time I'm back in the area, residential visit or not.

The main reason I've responded though is to just suggest that you not use any specific, time-related reason for why she can't stay. No "I'm busy that week/month/whatever" as she's clearly being vague about it being Easter or maybe summer etc. Given that she's sent this in a FB PM or similar, it will be very easy to type out a response which mostly ignores the request to stay with you and instead emphasizes that you'd should absolutely meet up for coffee or something. "XYZ guest house is what I always suggest for people visiting the area, it's really lovely and is well located. We can meet up at the local cafe, they have the best pie." etc etc and if she does a CF followup just stick with it, or give a very brief reply that you're unable to help with a place to stay for her (no details at all as to why) but if/when she's able to arrange something she should absolutely let you know.

Failing all that, just ignore and know you're missing out on nothing here!

nope do not have her to stay. stop this now . CF what oh captain and camomile tea and many others . say 'NO' - nip in the bud now and let her know /

Impossible for me to put visitors up and I’m not even sure I will be around during you visit to London. However do enjoy your stay in the capital

@faracrossthepond it would have been so much easier if you could have just replied by text ‘no, that’s not convenient’

As it was, to have a call (an actual bloody phone call) out of the blue, insisting that your penpal was coming over and not listening to your reply, well, more fool them. You were young and dealt with it the way a lot of us possibly would have done all those years ago.

OP, hope you manage to divert this CF’s proposal.

Agree with most of these suggestions but particularly the ones saying you don't need to give a reason. If you feel you have to though, tell her that you've had a flatmate for nearly 4 years and is it really that long since you were in touch. Don't feel guilty about it!!

Cannot believe how many people are cfers!!

I think I'd respond something along the lines of "aaw it will be lovely to see you when you're down, you'll have to tell me where you're staying and I'll tell you the best places around there"

PepsiLola

Good one 😂

It is utterly astonishing
a) The number of Cunty Fuckers (I think "Cheeky" is far too mild a description) there are out there and
b) How many people struggle to say "Fuck Off You Cunty Fucker" or, if you want to be more polite "No"

Honestly she’s a right one
What a cheek!!

Any update on this @viccat? Did you message her?