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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be a CF to go to this wedding?

92 replies

Yambabe · 29/02/2020 15:35

Background: I am a hobby photographer specialising in shooting live music gigs. I "work" for a couple of online magazines/websites. DH has some friends who are in a band. I know them too, but not as well as him. They've been together about a year, and play rock covers in local pubs etc. DH has been to see them a few times. I have seen them once - I was on my way back from a "proper" gig and picked DH up from the pub they were playing in. They were on late, I had the camera with me, so I took some photos for them which they absolutely love. Several of them are now using my pictures as social media profile pics etc. All good.

Fast forward to this week, they have a gig tonight. They've asked DH if he wants to go, and specifically asked for me to come too and bring my camera. I'd provisionally agreed, til I found out that this "gig" is actually them playing at someone's wedding. It's a professional paid job for them, they are not friends of the B&G. Neither me nor DH know the B&G.

I now feel really uncomfortable about this. The band are saying it's OK, they can take who they like along, but effectively gatecrashing a stranger's wedding just doesn't sit right with me. If it was just a birthday party or something then yeah but a wedding? I can't imagine that the B&G will want some stranger with a camera that they don't know wandering about the place. Also when "working" I like to dress comfortably as I often have to be on the floor, or twisting into odd positions to get the shots I want. So stretchy jeans, trainers, tshirt. If it's a formal wedding I am going to stick out like a sore thumb aren't I!

DH says it would be rude to the band to pull out now, I think it would be ruder to the B&G to turn up and I would feel like a proper CF.

Should I go?

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 29/02/2020 17:08

It's not down to you to check - the band should get permission for you to be there. That they haven't done this is way out of order. Don't go unless they do this. Although I suspect the B&G will say no.

dodobookends · 29/02/2020 17:11

Totally unprofessional of them to even think this would be ok. They are clearly very much in the 'amateur' band bracket.

My DH is in a busy function band. They do pubs, clubs and private functions including weddings.

He and the other band members invite their nearest and dearest to the pub gigs.The landlords like it anyway, as it fills the pub up, and they also have several fans people who go to most of their pub gigs. They will occasionally take a mate acting as 'roadie' to the social club ones.

No way on Earth would they invite their friends and family to a private function.

pinkyredrose · 29/02/2020 17:12

band often has an entourage of helpers to carry their guitars etc then I dont see the problem in them having a couple of extra people along. Hmm how many guitars do you think they'll have!

Straycatstrut · 29/02/2020 17:12

The band are saying it's OK, they can take who they like along

You what now?

So they can bring all their drinking mates if they want?

You book a band. You get the band. That's it.

AlbertaWildRose · 29/02/2020 17:14

Definitely don't go.

BelfastNonBlonde · 29/02/2020 17:16

No, you shouldn’t crash the wedding. Especially with your camera.

1forsorrow · 29/02/2020 17:22

Doesn't it depend on if they have asked the B&G?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 29/02/2020 17:24

If the bride and groom are really chilled out, and said to the band to bring a couple of friends along, then that's fine.

Any other circumstances then I don't think I'd go

Bringringbring12 · 29/02/2020 17:31

Please don’t go
The band are taking liberties

Girlmeetsbook · 29/02/2020 17:31

How bizarre, even more bizarre to invite your DH to a 'gig' for a night out that's actually someone's wedding reception. Very strange! Trust your instinct and don't go. Caveat is unless it's actually a public gig but also somehow this couples wedding celebration?! Which seems also a bit far fetched. Love to know the B&G's opinion on 'just bring anyone' 😂

Leeds2 · 29/02/2020 17:35

I don't think either you or DH should go.

VenusTiger · 29/02/2020 17:36

Of course you can't go OP! Your DH will be stood watching them perform and you'll take a few photos and then also stand and watch them - what on earth will the wedding guests and B&G think!! You'll stick out like a sore thumb. You are not invited to the event and the band have no right to invite anyone whatsoever.
Amazed your DH wants to go tbh!!

VenusTiger · 29/02/2020 17:38

Oh and @Yambabe, show your DH this thread.

kaldefotter · 29/02/2020 17:41

Definitely don’t go. The bride and groom have engaged the band to perform at their wedding. That doesn’t, in a million years, give the band carte blanche to bring an entourage. Who the fuck do they think they are?

Your instincts are right, OP.

Bringringbring12 · 29/02/2020 17:43

* said to the band to bring a couple of friends along, then that's fine.*

The OP will be coming as a photographer of the band rather in the capacity of a “friend”

crochetandshit · 29/02/2020 17:48

These people are outrageous, this isn't a gig and I can't believe that they think it's fine to invite people and that your husband has said yes!!
This is a couples wedding day not a night at the local Shock

FleetwoodMacMummy · 29/02/2020 17:49

Please don't go, the band have no right to invite whoever they want and if it was my wedding I would find it so weird and uncomfortable

pigsDOfly · 29/02/2020 17:54

An entourage to carry their guitars? As a pp suggested up thread.

They're not the Rolling Stones.

They're a little local band that plays in pubs and suchlike. In my experience of such bands they'll be lucky to stretch to a van to carry their guitars in, let alone have an entourage to shlep their instruments into the venue while they sit by and watch. And they're clearly not very experienced or professional if they think it's acceptable to invite all and sundry to someone's wedding.

If a band is playing a ticketed gig they're usually alowed to have a few people's names at the door who can come in without paying. I assume the b & g are paying them and unless they're having names at the door it's really bloody rude to invite their friends.

nocoolnamesleft · 29/02/2020 17:56

The band are being CFs. Definitely don't go.

carly2803 · 29/02/2020 18:00

no - you sound like a really nice considerate person.

so do not go!

the band are CF!

Soontobe60 · 29/02/2020 18:01

Neither of you should go!

EverythingChanges321 · 29/02/2020 18:02

I wouldn’t go but because I’d be wary of being used by the bridal party as the unofficial free photographer.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 29/02/2020 18:12

So they would get paid, and you would give up your time + work for free?

Original poster
Yambabe · 29/02/2020 18:14

Thanks for everyone's input. I'm not going.

I think DH is seeing it as just another gig, I really don't think he's grasped that it's someone's WEDDING. It's not that the wedding party is going to a gig, they have specifically asked the band to play at this venue (it's a social club). There will actually be 2 bands playing and I assume they will be getting paid.

I would feel really uncomfortable to be at the wedding of someone I don't know, even if it's a very informal "do" which it sounds like it might be. Even if I dressed up. Even if I helped them load the gear in and out. It just doesn't feel right!

OP posts:
GoodDogBellaBoo · 29/02/2020 18:16

So they invited another guest to the wedding, and I assume they only invited your dh so that you would take some more free photos for them. How on earth can dh think it’s appropriate for him to go to the wedding, it’s not just another gig.