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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH should be pushing this

61 replies

MouseDL · 29/02/2020 14:09

So DSD is 11 and starting secondary school this year her brother is 6 and DH and his ex have in essence treated them the same- same bedtime, rules and boundaries. I think she now needs to be pushing to be more age appropriate otherwise when she goes to secondary school she is going to be ripped apart as kids are brutal. She still plays with plastic animal toys, dresses up like spider man, sleeps with a blanket and bear that she won’t be without, doesn’t walk to the local shop alone, believes in the tooth fairy and talks in a baby voice!
While I know she has a younger sibling and 2 younger step brothers I don’t think they are doing her favours and they need to set her up for the transition to secondary school and this process needs to start and treating her the same as a 6 year old isn’t fair. A kid at school called her an idiot and she cried for an idiot, so I can only inagine the tears when she mentions the tooth fairy and they rip her to shreds with laughter. DH thinks it’s fine and there is no need to change her behaviour and I am being mean, and i?

OP posts:

Original poster

MouseDL · 29/02/2020 14:10

Cried for an hour not for an idiot

OP posts:

IanSomerhalderIsAGod · 29/02/2020 14:12

I can see where your coming from.
I was that kid at senior school (tenfold!) and I was bullied.

But I think there's a separation in behaviour that needs to happen - sleeping with a teddy is ok cos she's in her safe space at home where she can be herself.
At school the rules are different.

pinkyredrose · 29/02/2020 14:13

YANBU! She sounds emotionally stuck at 5. Why on earth do they treat her the same, do they want to keep her a little girl? She'll be starting her periods soon ffs!

Largeyellowdaffodil · 29/02/2020 14:14

What help has she been given to manage the trauma in her life?

namechanger2019 · 29/02/2020 14:17

You sound awful. Sounds like she has been through a lot in her little life with her parents splitting up and getting step-siblings, and you are her stepmum who it sounds like has no compassion for her whatsoever. Why the rush to make children grow up before they are ready.

Original poster

MouseDL · 29/02/2020 14:18

I have mentioned she is starting to develop and will start her periods in a couple of years. While I would never look to remove her blanket and bear at bed- despite DH making issues of my 7 and 5 year DSs so they have given there’s up. The plastic baby animals, baby voice and other ways I feel need addressing rather than dealing with a heartbroken child bullied and made a laughing stock! I honestly believe going to secondary school believing in the tooth fairy/ Santa highlights they have kept her the same as her brother

OP posts:

Original poster

MouseDL · 29/02/2020 14:20

Yes as trying to prevent her going to secondary school in a few months and being laughed from other children is really having no compassion considering when a child called her an idiot she cried for an hour- I am actually trying to prepare her for a major change in her life so it’s not such a massive shock as it can be brutal.

OP posts:

Evilspiritgin · 29/02/2020 14:23

It sounds like you have a dh problem, he made 2 little boys give up their nighttime comforts but persists in treating his daughter as a little girl

My niece was quite a young 12yr old going to Secondary school but she soon grew up

pinkyredrose · 29/02/2020 14:27

Why the fuck does your husband think he has the right to make your boys give up their bedtime toys but let's his much older daughter keep hers?

Has he shown sexism in other ways?

PinkyU · 29/02/2020 14:29

Yes, it would be far better if she was a rude, sullen, bored, lazy stereotypical preteen, wouldn’t it?

She is who she is, stop trying to enforce your values and expectations on her development and let her grow and mature at her own rate.

conduitoffortune · 29/02/2020 14:30

The bit about your younger boys being made to give up their sources of comfort but a pre teen still being permitted to have hers really grinds my gears

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 29/02/2020 14:33

I don't think many DC actually still believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy by the time they go to senior school. With mine I never actually told them - I think when you are a certain age and start thinking more logically it becomes evident. Has she honestly never questioned these?

On the other hand I know adults who have a teddy on their bed and 'plastic toys' - well that depends. Some older kids and adults like Barbies, Sylvanian Families etc.
The baby voice - I would start correcting that gently.

Original poster

MouseDL · 29/02/2020 14:42

And when I say pushing her to grow up I don’t mean bin her toys, take her stuff etc I mean he should be arranging to drop and collect her from cinema with friends or let her walk to to school with friends as he won’t be able to take when she starts secondary. Encouraging age appropriate clothes and toys, later bed time, age appropriate chores and pocket money

OP posts:

PinkyU · 29/02/2020 14:44

WTF are “age appropriate clothes and toys” for an 11 year old?!

Thehop · 29/02/2020 14:48

I think some things are like rly but letting her go to high school believing in Santa and tooth fairy is cruel. They’ll eat her alive.

Thehop · 29/02/2020 14:49

Lovely not like rly

FoamingAtTheUterus · 29/02/2020 14:52

Op doesn't sound awful at all. My niece was like this and it all stemmed from the fact her parents didn't want her to grow up and encouraged the childlike behaviour.

As an adult she's bloody hard work, still being mollycoddled by her parents and throwing attention seeking strops when things don't go her way. That shit just doesn't fly in their 20s. She's living a non life, cosseted at home, can't keep friends, can't manage basic household tasks and her last boyfriend dumped her when she had an almighty tantrum over having to walk from a damn car across a carpark in bad weather. Crying, stamping feet and fists. The full shebang. 😳

PinkyU · 29/02/2020 14:54

She’ll go to school in August/September, she’s not going to rock up on her first day and start up a conversation about what she’s asking Santa for at Christmas is she?!

A lot can change in the 3 months of being at school, give the kid a chance before deciding to ramp up her emotional development because it doesn’t fit your ideas.

Original poster

MouseDL · 29/02/2020 14:55

So if we tell her the tooth fairy and Santa are not real and are treating as older then surely she deserves a later bedtime, different boundaries, pocket money etc? We can’t just say that’s not real but still keep treating her the same as her brother she needs to be aloud to act older? I have mentioned over and over a later bed time as she is going to secondary school soon and her age needs less sleep as she needs the perks of being older as well as some of the crap bits so he needs to be on board

OP posts:

FoamingAtTheUterus · 29/02/2020 14:58

And I agree her parents should be giving her little responsibilities. I'd leave the santa and tooth fair thing but jobs to do, going to the shop on errands, earning money by doing chores, definitely allowing a little freedom to meet frienda. Even opening a bank account and getting something like a Monzo card so she can start budgeting for treats and clothes. It's all part of preparing for the next stage.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 29/02/2020 15:00

What's her current bedtime ?? Do you think they're sending her to bed so early so they can have some peace ?? Totally agree a few perks such as later bedtimes and bits of freedom are a rite of passage for preteens.

Hell my mum had me paying bills and all-sorts (( through necessity in the 90s as she was a single mum working a lot of hours ))

Lsquiggles · 29/02/2020 15:04

I think what you're trying to do is actually really kind, as long as it's done with sensitivity

Ohyesiam · 29/02/2020 15:04

Do you mean she has a naturally babyish voice, it she often resorts to a baby voice?
You might be better talking to her about bullying and group dynamics. I did bits of role play with DS and gave him things to say to bullies, like neutral responses to taunts. You can also say that at senior school most kids will be trying desperately hard to seem more grown up, and so she is best off not talking about Santa etc.

You are right that she needs bits of freedom and responsibility, and that can start really small.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 29/02/2020 15:04

Children need different amounts of sleep. Her bedtime should be whenever is right for her. Some children need more sleep at secondary school.

I question whether you are the right person to push this. There seem to be issues because your sons are being forced to grow up. Why is that?

You can't push a child into a different development stage just because they're starting school. If she's very behind could it be that she feels unsafe generally and staying small is her way of coping? If so, you won't change anything by treating the symptoms.

As you haven't had an 11 year of girl yourself, you might not realise there is a wide range of behaviours that can be normal. She's never going to be that precocious street wise child and there's nothing you can do about that really.

NomDeDieu · 29/02/2020 15:08

The one thing i would be looking at changing is the baby voice.
The rest will happen when it will.

I’m more shocked by your DH pushing YOUR dcs to give up their soft toys!

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