To think DH should be pushing this

[MouseDL]

So DSD is 11 and starting secondary school this year her brother is 6 and DH and his ex have in essence treated them the same- same bedtime, rules and boundaries. I think she now needs to be pushing to be more age appropriate otherwise when she goes to secondary school she is going to be ripped apart as kids are brutal. She still plays with plastic animal toys, dresses up like spider man, sleeps with a blanket and bear that she won’t be without, doesn’t walk to the local shop alone, believes in the tooth fairy and talks in a baby voice!
While I know she has a younger sibling and 2 younger step brothers I don’t think they are doing her favours and they need to set her up for the transition to secondary school and this process needs to start and treating her the same as a 6 year old isn’t fair. A kid at school called her an idiot and she cried for an idiot, so I can only inagine the tears when she mentions the tooth fairy and they rip her to shreds with laughter. DH thinks it’s fine and there is no need to change her behaviour and I am being mean, and i?

Bedtime needs to be what she needs. My two dcs were in bed at 7.30~8.00pm at that age
They had little pocket money. Etc...

But they were expected to act reasonably, were allowed to go to places on their own (eg back from school) ...

I completely agree with you. We are currently doing some 'transition' work with DS who is starting secondary school in September. This has involved a gentle conversation about Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny, gradually decreasing his huge pile of cute fluffy animals, practising ways to deal with upset/pain that isn't crying straight away... It's upsetting and I we're trying to do it all in a way that doesn't trample on his naturally loving nature.

BUT I would much rather this comes from us in a controlled, loving way than from nasty comments made by peers at school that could affect his friendships and educational experience for a long time.
YANBU. Good luck.

I do have an older child who is 7 years older than her so I have been through the secondary school years. I don’t expect a street wise, know all child all I think is in the next few months they should be preparing her to make a huge transition and continuing to treat her as a baby is not helping. For instant they have both said she will need to make her own way to secondary school as it’s the operator way to brothers school (mine are in completely separate school) but neither has allowed her to even walk to her junior school with friends with is half the distant or meet friends With collection etc so one day they expect her to up and be able to do that- I think making those steps now is important!
She doesn’t have a naturally baby voice she reverts to one when she wants or has done something she would be in trouble for.

That’s what I am trying to say tulippa - telling her the tooth fairy isn’t real so she can have her disappointment at home in private is kinder than a class mate hearing her mention it and laughing about it and making her the butt of jokes. Same goes for non uniform days and the my little pony jumper she is currently wearing- I don’t mean mini skirts and grown up just stuff that isn’t going to make her the centre of ridicule.

Don’t worry about the walking to school, in my town the majority of primary children are taken but they all walk to the secondary (all in the same town)

I think you’re right about starting to let her have some independence

Why the rush to make children grow up
before they are ready.

Because she’s off to high school soon and will get ripped to shreds? Kids can be very cruel.

If she cries for an hour after being called a name...... how will she cope with the mean girls at big school?

I don’t think you’re being unkind. Does she have any insight that she acts younger than others? I & my best friend are late summer babies, so we’re almost a year younger than some of the girls in our year at school - we still had some teddies etc, but we were aware that others didn’t and so we never mentioned anything childish around others. Would/does she do that? How is she with her friends?

OP, you sound wise and are think of your SD's best interests.

The transition is huge.
She should be encouraged to prepare and become more independent.
Definitely the walking to school etc would be very helpful.

The transition will be tiring enough without so many other unknowns to deal with.

Your husband is a complete prat to insist on those younger children have their soft toys removed.

What on earth were you thinking allowing him to impose that on small children....really mean.

Oh how dare your DSD have emotions, Christ, tell her to man up and start acting like a grown up.

I think your instincts are right. Her mum and dad are doing her no favours.

Your DH should ignore the baby voice whenever it’s wheeled out, it’s a very bad habit.

There's no way a child about to go to high school should have the same bedtime as her 6 year old brother. She does need responsibility and changes clearly need to be made.
Sounds like you are the only one whose worried about how she will handle high school.
Sadly she is going to get tortured by other kids if things don't change.

I think you are right OP but ultimately if your DH disagrees is it really worth you taking the flack for pushing it; you have been called "awful" on here already, why even bother trying to help? I would just subtely promote more maturity (both in terms of expectations and perks) with the way YOU treat her and talk to her.

As to this:

While I would never look to remove her blanket and bear at bed- despite DH making issues of my 7 and 5 year DSs so they have given there’s up.

Wtf? What is the explanation behind his attitude here?

So you're fighting for your step daughter but failed your own sons?

Unless she takes the blanket and soft toy to school I don't see how they're relevant. The world is a shitty place, it's a good thing if a person has helpful strategies to comfort and take care of themselves in the safety of their home. Not like you can rely on anyone else for it.

You sound awful. Sounds like she has been through a lot in her little life with her parents splitting up and getting step-siblings, and you are her stepmum who it sounds like has no compassion for her whatsoever. Why the rush to make children grow up before they are ready.

No. OP doesn’t sound awful. She sounds kind and concerned. You however are doing what is typically done on MN and stepmum bashing just for the sake of it.

OP why did tough let your husband to that to your boys?

Parents splitting up and getting stepsiblings is hardly traumatic FFS. Half the world would be messed up if that was the case.

I'd also like to know why your dh pushed your younger children to grow up but babies his older brat child?
Yanbu at all OP.

I meant why did you, not tough!

I thinks she will grow up over the holidays, it's like it gets it all out do your (her) system. It's fine to still play, but you could kindly suggest the toys are played with with her younger siblings, rather than kept in her room once it's September. Get her some cool stationary, fun shaped erasers. Collecting stuff like that is fine in year 7.

It's a shame kids grow up so fast. I don't think she needs to be going out yet. You could chat to her nearer the time and say it's lovely to believe in the tooth fairy, but keep it to yourself as there are a lot of non-believers out there. I think you need to approach this kindly not make her anxious about going to secondary. She will learn, year 7 children are still growing up, by year 8 she will be a proper teenager.

He made comments about the blankets they were never removed and I still have them and have offered them back but the older heard the comment and thought himself to ‘old’ now and the younger followed suit not much later. I sat them down and explained they were not too old and I also spoke to DH and told I’m him in no uncertain times casual sexism regarding things like this would not be tolerated and to allow the eldest to have a blanket with comment was sexist, out dated and something I wouldn’t ever tolerate again. So I did stick up for my children and I even explained to them old fashioned narrow minded sexist views on gender (not worded exactly the same),

I think you're right, I was a bit innocent/young acting for my age and got ripped to shreds at secondary school for that and other reasons. I soon changed but it wasn't pleasant.

But unfortunately all you can do is tell your dh how you feel, as she isn't your bio daughter. You could buy her some more appropriate clothes but telling her about Santa etc, and bedtime rules, etc isn't your call.

The baby voice is ridiculous. My dd had a friend like this; dd reported she would only talk in this silly voice in front of adults bloody annoying. Op I’m with you. She will get eaten alive in secondary school.

I agree OP she will be ripped to shreds.
I was a street wise little urchin with no belief in fantasties at all and I had a very tough time.
I think you need to start having talks with her now about how she will be expected to behave in secondary school and the importance of not talking in a baby voice etc for her own god or they will wipe the floor with her.
Blanket and bear are fine at home and I expect peer pressure will kick in at some point but she does sound very young emotionally to be going to secondary school.

Ah didn't realise she was your DSD, that is difficult as you can't really interfere. It's her parents job.