My partner is depressed again and I’m struggling.

[Deepblues]

I’ve NC as people know me here in real life and out of respect to my partner.

We’ve been together for 2 years and this is the fourth time he’s heading down a deep dark hole of depression - these phases usually last 2-3 months.

All the signs are there this week; he’s taken it out on me telling me how I’m failure etc. He’s starting smoking a hell more weed and lying about it, moaning about his new job/life/home 24/7, flaking on all plans and generally being in a sulk. He’s also making a lot of rash decisions I.e. brand new car on finance that he can’t afford and now he’s totally skint (and now slow to put his hand in his pocket for anything we need in life). Last time this happened on the way home from work he picked up a puppy without consulting me.

Last night I generally suggested that he goes to the GP/therapy as I don’t want to loose him down the hole for a couple of months and I’m worried about him. He says he doesn’t want to see anyone and that he just needs me to be more supportive of him (I think he wants to quit his job again and my magic money tree of money has ran out), he says that he needs me to act normal as me being worried is making him more negative. Tbh I don’t have the time or effort to be wrapping him up in cotton wool again/entertainer/full time adult in this relationship. He just gets very obsessive, insecure and stressed with when he’s down this hole.

I’m not sure what I’m asking as there’s no way I’d leave someone over depression, and I will be supportive as there’s no way I’d live with the alternative.

The last time this was happening my mum has terminal cancer and he asked me to be his rock. So not only was I having to deal with that, helping family with my younger siblings/taxi driver to college/life etc and generally my whole world been tipped upside down ‘I needed to be his rock’ and lending him money (which I didn’t have, and could have been better supporting my parents). I’m now helping out my elderly Nan as this is the third child she’s lost.

I’m quite a strong person but I can’t deal with being dragged down to this hole for two months. If anyone has some practical advice to potentially preventing him going down the hole that would be great.

Stop, he is using you. I have MH and would never treat anyone the way he treats you. He is using this as a form of control.

To be blunt, in this sad situation, this man is an emotional (and financial) leech for huge periods of time. Do you really need to put yourself through this? He does not want medical help, he wants you to be his crutch, at the price of your own well being.
You need to evaluate if the good, normal times actually outweight the negativity of his depressed day. Do not stay with him out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, only stay with him if you can honestly say that he makes you happy and well on the long term.

Tell him you cannot solve his problems. Why doesn't he want to see the GP or therapist?

Why couldnt you leave him? He smokes a lot of dope, is impulsive with money he doesnt have, expects you to fund him, wants to live off you, blames you for not being supportive enough and you cannot leave him?
If he wont help himself, there is nothing at all you can do to fix him. Even if all external conditions are perfect, his internal ones will still override the system, unless he gets some help. Even then, it is not a guaranteed or miracle cure.

Sorry I’d be leaving him
It’s all about him!! What about you and your needs?

It sounds more bipolar, except he spends money he doesn't have on the low times not mania days. The weed certainly isn't helping either.

I’d be leaving him. Depression is not an excuse to blame it all on your partner and be a dick.

You can absolutely leave a relationship over depression. You do not have to stay with someone just because of his MH problems, particularly when he is not addressing them, insulting you, draining you of your money, etc. Arseholes are just as susceptible to depression as kind people.

I think you need to keep reitterating that you are supporting him by advising that he needs to seek professional help and that you will support him on that journey.

In terms of the financial side of it, if you cannot afford to do that then be clear on that and don't waiver.

I stopped reading when you mentioned that he is smoking 'more weed'.

Why on earth does he do that if he has periods of depression? It's completely irresponsible.

Leave him.

You don't have to stay with this self obsessed man. He needs to sort his MH out himself and you need to stop being his mummy.

This is a horrible situation for you. I think after only two years and this being the 4th incident, I would be calling it a day.

Do you live together? If so, whose name is the house in? Rented? Mortgage?

Run for the hills (if you can). Sorry this is harsh, but do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life like this? He is more likely to seek help if he has to - ie if he doesn’t have you to rely on.

You’ve been together 2 years and this is the fourth time he’s heading into a depression that lasts 2-3 months?? So of the two years, between 6-9 months had been spent with him in a deep depression? Go now, really. Staying will be a cycle of this.

If this is another hole episode we’ll have to separate as my patients are pretty thin right now and we’ve alright had one row this week (completely him at fault but struggled to see why - not letting him do that again).

In the past he’s never been suicidal (to my knowledge) the only way I can describe it is a pity party for one which lasts for months. Apparently the weed helps him think things through but he’s got no major life troubles just the usual - parents separate as a child, he doesn’t see his dad much, he feels like he’s the rock for his family, lost his grandad as a teen.

Everything is in my name, this is my house but he moved long distance to move in with me therefore if I kick him out he’ll either need to rent a room somewhere to stay in his job or quit his job and move back down south.

My ex was like this.
Every time I had something on he would be “ill” and need me. Utterly exhausting.

Please proceed with caution, my life is now financially screwed as a result of his decisions and it’s going to take me another 20 years to pay back. He did the puppy and the car on finance too. My children (not his and subsequent) now have to pay the price for me making that decision to stay in the hope he would get better.
Looking back it was all to manipulate me.

If he is refusing to get help and smoking weed he’s making it worse. He is only going to drag you down with him, to a point you will not be able to get back.

Use your time and energy on those that respect and deserve it.

I have really serious MH issues and have never been such a shit to my partner. For a start he is smoking weed and that is really bad. I know alcohol can induce mania so I don’t drink now, I miss it but it’s not worth the risk. I engage with all my MH professionals. When my OCD gets really bad I’m a bit of a PITA as I need to control my surroundings and I ask for certain things and always apologise for my behaviour. I make an effort to be as well as possible. I think he is a lazy arsehole and using alleged depression as an excuse, has he any kind of diagnosis?

Smoking weed is much more of the problem, but it does seem very convenient that he needs help every time you're occupied with someone who isn't him. To be clear, from your post overall I think he is putting it on. He needs to go and get professional help elsewhere before he gets any more emotional support from you, otherwise you can leave him, it's ok.

It’s just like he’s sucking all energy from me.

He’s like a dementor.

When he’s like this I can’t imagine having sex with him. Having his sulky little hands over me. He’s moaning that we don’t have any ‘us’ time and he’s counting the days.

He’s not an orge. He’s always apologising but it’s always in a self pity kind of way.

I just don’t want to be a cunt. Dumping my partner who has depression.

Oh get rid of him. Such a bore and drain on you. So for the time you've been together, he's been like this for the best part of 50%

Life is too short and you can do better

The weed is probably why he’s depressed , unless he stops that you’ll never get off this merry go round - time for an ultimatum and stick to it

What a crock of crap. He's basically emotionally trapping and manipulating you so that you feel bad, so you will do what he wants, so that you feel responsible for him.

His job, his living arrangements and his issues aren't yours.
I'd tell him to leave, tonight. Odds on he'll make a miraculous recovery under the guise of 'trying' or he'll promise to see the go etc.

If he needs to think things through he should get some professional help to deal with ‘things’ and learn how to adult

You need to protect your mental health too!

He can get support without you - I’m a vote for leave him. Depression or not he is not treating you right. Xxx

You don't want to hear this, but listen to PP, he and this situation is not good for you. Don't pity him, he's an adult who needs to house himself. Do this for you. You've lost your mum and are caring for your nan- you need to be cared for not you doing all the caring with nothing back.

I couldn't live like this and you shouldn't either.