My partner is depressed again and I’m struggling.

[Deepblues]

I’ve NC as people know me here in real life and out of respect to my partner.

We’ve been together for 2 years and this is the fourth time he’s heading down a deep dark hole of depression - these phases usually last 2-3 months.

All the signs are there this week; he’s taken it out on me telling me how I’m failure etc. He’s starting smoking a hell more weed and lying about it, moaning about his new job/life/home 24/7, flaking on all plans and generally being in a sulk. He’s also making a lot of rash decisions I.e. brand new car on finance that he can’t afford and now he’s totally skint (and now slow to put his hand in his pocket for anything we need in life). Last time this happened on the way home from work he picked up a puppy without consulting me.

Last night I generally suggested that he goes to the GP/therapy as I don’t want to loose him down the hole for a couple of months and I’m worried about him. He says he doesn’t want to see anyone and that he just needs me to be more supportive of him (I think he wants to quit his job again and my magic money tree of money has ran out), he says that he needs me to act normal as me being worried is making him more negative. Tbh I don’t have the time or effort to be wrapping him up in cotton wool again/entertainer/full time adult in this relationship. He just gets very obsessive, insecure and stressed with when he’s down this hole.

I’m not sure what I’m asking as there’s no way I’d leave someone over depression, and I will be supportive as there’s no way I’d live with the alternative.

The last time this was happening my mum has terminal cancer and he asked me to be his rock. So not only was I having to deal with that, helping family with my younger siblings/taxi driver to college/life etc and generally my whole world been tipped upside down ‘I needed to be his rock’ and lending him money (which I didn’t have, and could have been better supporting my parents). I’m now helping out my elderly Nan as this is the third child she’s lost.

I’m quite a strong person but I can’t deal with being dragged down to this hole for two months. If anyone has some practical advice to potentially preventing him going down the hole that would be great.

I just don’t want to be a cunt. Dumping my partner who has depression

See, he's got you right where he wants you. He can be a cunt all day long and for months, but that's fine cause he claims he has 'depression'

He won't go the GP because he knows he doesn't have depression, he just wants you to think he does so you'll do as he demands.

Speaking as a man....get rid !

monkey has it bang on, I suspect.

You might benefit from independent counselling, or if you can't afford it/don't have it through work, thinking about relationship dynamics - are you perhaps a rescuer? The capable one who saves others and never puts herself first?
Why can't you leave? He's just a controlling user who says he has depression as a cover for being a dick.

Sorry, but I can't see what he brings to your life. Set yourself free, tell him to leave and get professional help if he needs it. I agree with pp, he is emotionally manipulating you.

I just don’t want to be a cunt. Dumping my partner who has depression.
You aren't being a cunt and he is putting it on. Even if he actually had depression, you are actually allowed to leave someone if the relationship isn't working for you.

My husband has bouts of depression which I found really hard to cope with as he would just withdraw from us completely and I would have to do everything for the house and kids and try to keep up the front all was ok. To be honest it was exhausting and stressful and I felt I was going to have a breakdown too.

It came to a head and I gave him an ultimatum that he had to get help or else we would be gone. I had to make it clear that it was his refusal to get any kind of help that was the issue, not the depression itself.

Kick him out.
He's an abusive cocklodger.
Sorry but you need to do this for yourself.

He needs to fuck off back to wherever he came from and he can go and smoke himself to death there.

You wouldn't be dumping him because of his depression. You would be dumping him because he is a self indulgent manchild who is using you. If he actually made some effort to help himself - lay off weed, go to the GP etc... I would be much more sympathetic.
I'm sure a lot of us would like a break from life's responsibilities and have someone else 'be our rock', but life doesn't work that way.
I'd get rid in a heartbeat.

Depression isn't some magic get out of jail free card where you can treat your partner like shit. Fourth time in two years? It's such a short relationship, and if each episode lasts a couple of months, then that's a huge chunk of your time together that has been spent like this. Do you want this to be your life?

My husband had serious depression issues going back about 25 years. In our 20 years together, he’s had about three really awful episodes, and has been hospitalised for treatment.

I know everyone is different but I just want to give you some perspective because what you’re describing doesn’t sound like something I’d put up with at all, and I’ve been through a lot with DH.

My husband has never blamed me for his emotional state. He blames himself, sees himself as a failure. He has never put me at risk emotionally or financially when he’s been down- if anything, he become ultra risk-adverse because he knows his judgement is clouded. He becomes very insular when depressed and, while he has never left, he does tell me he thinks I’d be better off without him and makes it clear that he doesn’t expect my life to revolve around his illness.

He takes every piece of medical and therapeutic help available. When he’s so down that he’s not able to work, he sees getting better as his job.

I’m not saying he’s perfect and I’m conscious that he’s had a lot of time to try out different treatments and routines, but I’m saying that he acknowledges the problem and does his best to fix it as best he can, and I respect him hugely for that.

What you’re describing sounds like a selfish man with a weed habit who is trying to hold you accountable for his recovery when he’s making no effort to correct the behaviour that hinders him.

I nearly left my partner because he wasn't getting help. He finally went tonthe gp, got pills, had almost a year of therapy. Our relationship lasted. I was one last request to get help from leaving.

This has taught me that help can make a difference but if he hadn't got it, leaving would have been right.

And he wasn't treating me like shit or not working.

You don’t want to dump your partner because he has depression, but ironically that means you are staying with him because he has depression. So how does that make any sense?

You are perfectly entitled to leave a relationship because it’s run it’s course. You don’t need any reason/excuse.

He sounds like an utter arse but even that is beside the point. You don’t need an excuse!! I’ve broken up with lovely people in the past, obviously not because they are lovely, but because the relationship has run it’s course.

You are way overthinking this. If it isn’t working for you anymore break up.

You can only help someone if he wants to work with you to get better. He doesn't. Plus you have only known him for two years and it sounds like he has pulled you down so frequently. Is it worth it?

He sounds very much like my ex (ex for a reason..).He can't help having depression but depression doesn't have to mean taking everything out on you.

Current DP also gets depressed.. not saying he's perfect and he does get grumpy, but he doesn't blame everything on me and is never nasty to me.

It really doesn't have to be like this.

I have had experience with close family members both with depression and bipolar disorder so can see where you are coming from, but you need to recognise where the mental health issues stop and their own personality starts. You can’t let all crappy behaviour be blamed on his mental health that he won’t get help for. By refusing to agree to get help despite knowing that he has issues that impact on you show that he doesn’t care about you as much as you do about him. He knows what he ought to do but he doesn’t want to do that and currently you are not enough to make him (or at least he knows you won’t leave him so he doesn’t need to bother). If I were you I would give him the ultimatum that he goes to the gp and you go with him- that you’ll support him for as long as he is getting proper help, but if he isn’t prepared to do that then it’s over. You have to look after your own mental health in all of this!

Sensible comments above from previous posters.

Two years in, he is dependent, manipulative & directly affecting your psychological, emotional, physical & financial well-being by his behaviour, attitude & lack of action.

He is grinding you down to the point where you are limiting your own options in life & negating your own needs & preferences to accommodate his.

You have reached out into MN for a sense-check.

What you say to a loved friend who told you her life was like this?

You need to get out of this situation as it will become a way of life.

You own your home, so it is for you to take back control.
He has to leave - ‘ Hey babe, I need my own space’ - either to a rented room or refer himself as homeless to the LA.

Whatever the root cause or rationale for his behaviours - & this is the nth time in your short relationship so far - you do not have the bedrock of a relationship to call upon to see you through whilst someone who is ill or struggling with their life.

By your own words, he is beginning to repulse you (‘sweaty little hands’) & he is counting the days - revolting, entitled & belligerent.

Move on promptly.
Set yourself free.

I just don’t want to be a cunt

But you're happy being a cunt to yourself by propping up this miserable cocklodger

Is it really clinical depression? How would he know if he has not even seen a doctor? Why would he not want to see a doctor and do whatever is necessary to make him feel better? In any event, being depressed and being an abusive partner are not mutually exclusive.

I read the title of this thinking 'I empathise', because my partner has severe depression and it can be very, very hard. But it's hard because I'm worrying about him - he never once makes me feel responsible for him, makes me pay for him, counts how often we have sex to guilt me etc. He also seeks treatment when we notice his symptoms getting worse, and when he has been poorly - and I mean very poorly, suicidal and under crisis team - but something big happened in my life, he absolutely refused to put anything else on me and steadfastly supported me when I needed it, because he recognised that it couldn't all be my responsibility. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I'm giving a lot more, but he is SO appreciative of it and how it helps him when he's ill.

What you have is a partner who sees you as the source of everything - attention, money, sex, support, emotional connection, and isn't giving you anything back. You're not a bad person for breaking up with a person with depression, you're breaking up with someone who doesn't treat you as an equal partner.

Irrespective of whether his depression is real I don’t see how things like getting a dog or buying a new car are ok ?

I agree with some of the great posts that are saying it’s fine to leave because he is refusing to get help and sees you as an alternative to medical or psychiatric treatment. Actually it’s fine to leave anyway but in this instance why would you feel guilty ?

Kick him the fuck out. You don't owe him a relationship because he's depressed. Don't feel bad - he can rely on whoever he relied on before you met him.

You are not responsible for his health. He is

You wouldn’t be a cunt for splitting up with his for depression. You would be splitting up with him because of his behaviour.
This should be the good bit, it’s early days. He should be looking out for you and your family. But he’s not. It’s all about him, his needs (not the puppies or yours), just his.

The only person I know like this suffers from bi polar disorder. Has he been checked for this with his GP?

I grew up with a depressed parent and the depression only lasting a couple of months doesn't sound right. Let's face it, he really just wants to lie around all day smoking weed while you handle the finances.

Imagine a different future for yourself with someone who's more in control of himself and his life. Someone who's not in debt, not constantly moaning, someone who's not expecting you to look after him.

Now go and find that person, because it's not the man you're living with.