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Original poster

Can't do it anymore

36 replies

WhyThisLife · 28/02/2020 18:48

Some may remember me from the thread about going for a scan the next day after multiple pregnancy losses and we miraculously saw our babies heart beat for the first time ever (out of a LOT of previous pregnancies).

Well unfortunately that heart has stopped and I just feel dead inside. I had surgery on Wednesday to remove it.

I just don't know what to anymore. This is never going to happen for me it feels like but I don't want to live if that's the case.

I feel like I'm being constantly pushed back to square one every time we make some progress.

I just don't think I'm strong enough for this. I have nothing.

OP posts:
Fcukthisshit · 28/02/2020 19:01

So sorry for your losses xx

Graphista · 28/02/2020 19:02

So very sorry. Have you been tested for the potential causes?

PurpleDaisies · 28/02/2020 19:05

So sorry this has happened. Flowers

Have you been referred for any grief counselling? There are some lovely places that can provide support.

Rhapsodyinpurple · 28/02/2020 19:07

I'm so sorry for your losses.

Igmum · 28/02/2020 19:13

So sorry for your losses OP. Sending love 💓 Thanks

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 28/02/2020 19:16

Hello OP. We are so sorry for your losses Flowers

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. The Miscarriage Association also offer support by email and by phone.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

GinDrinker00 · 28/02/2020 19:20

I feel you OP. I’ve been there, 10 losses at different stages and it’s absolutely heart breaking but Don’t give up, what have the specialists said? Big hugs to you Flowers xx

Toria70 · 28/02/2020 19:22

Oh no, I'm so very sorry. I remember reading your thread.

It's very understandable feeling the way you do. I lost a baby at 26 weeks (stillbirth) and I remember feeling so desperately sad and angry that my body didn't work like everyone elses. I wanted answers that Doctors couldn't give me. I wanted to scream at the injustice of people having children with such ease and abusing/neglecting them.

It's utterly shit and unfair. Go easy on yourself Flowers

LucyAutumn · 28/02/2020 19:25

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP.

Do you have enough support in real life to help you through? I agree with a previous poster about some grief counselling, your GP should be able to recommend somewhere available in your local area. I went through a horrendous loss last year and am so thankful I asked for help.
Please, if you are feeling like you can't deal with things and in need of drastic action, call Samaritans as suggested by MNHQ or take yourself to your local A&E.
Be kind to yourself OP Flowers

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 28/02/2020 19:32

My GP is useless. I've been waiting for counselling for God knows how long from them. I'm on 'the list' apparently. I'm paying for it privately as at next week, I went for an initial consultation last week. I don't know how it will help though.

I just don't know what to do. I'm so desperately sad. I've been signed off work until the end of March but I just can't afford to be off on SSP so I feel I have no choice but to go back. The thought of that kills me. How can I actually be expected to just carry on as if nothings happened? I don't know if I can. I feel like the world's moving on and I'm just not. I can't.

I have a balanced translocation which is the cause. They've basically just said to keep trying and the likelihood is it will work eventually but how many times can you mentally go through this? I don't know. It just seems so cruel.

I just can't believe it will ever happen. Every time I allow myself to hope it all goes to shit. Maybe it's just a sign I should just give up trying.

We're trying IVF next but to be honest I'm not holding my hopes for that either. There's too many things that can go wrong with that and with my luck, it won't work.

That's how I feel now, that bad luck must genuinely be a thing because I seem to have it.

I'm just so tired of going round in this horrid circle and not being able to stop.

I'm not usually so impatient but this is torture. I just want to skip ahead ten years of my life to see where I'll be.

I honestly feel I have nothing else. I don't enjoy my job, I've no real hobbies because my head is too involved in this situation. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Mollie3 · 28/02/2020 19:34

OP I’m so sorry for your loss and I think I do remember your last thread. Was thrilled for you when they found a heartbeat, I can’t imagine how devastating this must feel. Please be kind to yourself and hoping your partner is being supportive 💐

Original poster
WhyThisLife · 28/02/2020 19:36

I don't want to worry people. Apologies if my post sounds that way.

I guess if I were to explain how I feel, I wouldn't and won't hurt myself, I don't feel suicidal in the sense I'd act on it. But I equally wouldn't care if I just stopped breathing in my sleep tonight.

I just feel so unimportant.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 28/02/2020 19:38

I’m so sorry OP. No advice or practical suggestions but just to say I’m so sorry you’re in pain and feel the way you do. Thinking of you Flowers

6000choccybiccies · 28/02/2020 19:59

Our TTC journey involved a trip to A&E with suicidal thoughts when I felt similar - I just didn't want to live a life without children. It felt like I was living a nightmare version of a life. It was very intense but temporary. I just want you to know that I have felt similar. I beat myself up on top of everything else thinking how others dealt with their infertility etc with much more dignity and strength and grace and I just broke and raged against it. You are not alone, it does get better, please make sure you find real life help and support.

I also don't know if this will be sad for you to hear but my friend has a balanced translocation and suffered multiple losses, one at a very late stage. She now has a happy family and is a great mum to two children (adopted). She got there and she is a wonderful mum

2018SoFarSoGreat · 28/02/2020 20:12

@WhyThisLife I am so verry sorry to read this. You poor thing. That is so hard. I can only imagine how you feel. Sending you a hug, if you'd like one, and some Flowers

Please don't give up hope. There is always hope. We are with you for now, so lean on us.

frillseeking · 28/02/2020 20:13

So sorry you're feeling this way OP. It's absolute torture when it's the one thing you want more than anything in the world and it's unbearably cruel when it is snatched away from you. I remember feeling exactly the same, like I was back at square one and I just didn't care about my life anymore as it wasn't worth living without children. I didn't want to die but I didn't want to live with such unhappiness that was beyond my control. It's absolutely soul destroying and all consuming and nothing else can compensate when you want a child so desperately. Counselling did really help me, it was a safe space to talk about how I felt. I also thought what's the point, it won't change anything and can't give me what I want but it helped to talk it through. We eventually had IVF and I felt much better in a way once I felt like i was doing something and a little bit more in control. Obviously we were lucky it worked. It's so hard to keep going. Do everything you can to protect yourself. I didn't see many people when really in the thick of it and wrapped myself in a bit of a bubble with DH and family and only those friends I could feel safe around. Do whatever you need to do to look after yourself. Sending you lots of love and support

BenScalesIsAGod · 28/02/2020 20:14

I had same surgery this week. Struggling too. Hoping it gets better Sad

Bodear · 28/02/2020 20:15

I’m so sorry OP Flowers

raspberryjamlove · 28/02/2020 20:20

I don't have any advice op but wanted to say I'm sorry and thinking of you, I know how difficult and heartbreaking it is :( xx

madmumofteens · 28/02/2020 20:21

I am so sorry OP I had 2 early miscarriages and that was hard enough take good care of yourself 💐 x

Bluetrews25 · 28/02/2020 20:30

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry. xxx

spongejack · 28/02/2020 20:34

Life can be so incredibly cruel and I'm so sorry, xx

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 28/02/2020 20:39

I’m sorry OP. It’s not fair. Thinking of you. There’s always hope. I’m sure you will be a mother, even if you get there in a different way to the way you envisioned. Good luck Flowers

walkingongreyclouds · 28/02/2020 20:39

I remember your first thread (posted under a different username), I am so sorry this has happened to you. Flowers

Chesntoots · 28/02/2020 20:43

I'm so sorry xxx

Re the counselling - does your work have an employee assistance line or anything you can access through them?

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