Can't do it anymore

[WhyThisLife]

Some may remember me from the thread about going for a scan the next day after multiple pregnancy losses and we miraculously saw our babies heart beat for the first time ever (out of a LOT of previous pregnancies).

Well unfortunately that heart has stopped and I just feel dead inside. I had surgery on Wednesday to remove it.

I just don't know what to anymore. This is never going to happen for me it feels like but I don't want to live if that's the case.

I feel like I'm being constantly pushed back to square one every time we make some progress.

I just don't think I'm strong enough for this. I have nothing.

I read your previous post and I'm so sorry to hear this update. I've experienced one MMC and that was dreadful enough, so really can't imagine how hard things are for you right now. Take care of yourself

I remember your thread I'm so sorry OP I can't imagine your pain

Oh no, my dear. I'm so sorry.
for you, and for the other women on this thread who have experienced similar tragedies.

Saddened to read that mc association no longer provide counselling it was so helpful to me.

Genetics aren’t my area but that sounds incredibly hard to deal with.

It does feel a bottomless pit when your in it but honestly you won’t always feel like this, if for no reason than we tend to adjust and “get used to” coping with horrific tragedy and somehow move forward. How is different for everyone.

I’ve had 2 mc but lost 3 babies, second was twins and a rare intrauterine and ectopic pregnancy. Weirdly I lost the intrauterine one first.

I then was happily able to have dd, but that pregnancy was not plain sailing either and it turns out I have a (ironically genetic) condition that remains asymptomatic until pregnancy but then becomes a problem for mother at birth and subsequent pregnancy carries a high risk of fatality so dd is my one and only.

I’ve friends and family who’ve been through dreadful struggles with infertility and loss, far worse than I have and I can’t imagine how they’ve coped, but they have somehow.

Counselling, medication at points, leaning on others, hibernating, talking, remaining silent...

Whatever works for you is fine. Everyone is different.

I remember your other thread and I'm sorry to hear about your baby.

I just want to say that your current position is temporary. Life will move on, even if circumstances stay the same, the way you feel about it will change. It will not always feel so hopeless as it does now. There are better and brighter days ahead.

I am so sorry, OP. I don't have anything useful to say but I feel for you so much and didn't want to read and run.

I don't mean to be that annoying person insisting on a silver lining when you feel awful but it sounds like your doctors are saying there's every hope that this will work eventually, albeit further down an absolutely shit road.

I'm wishing you success and that one day you'll look back on this time with a precious baby in your arms and think they were worth all the horrible heartache. I hope you can draw some strength from the people on this thread to keep you going.

I remember your thread. I am so very, very sorry for you.

If you don't/can't manage on SSP can your work.offer some compassionate leave? I would hope they would have utmost sympathy.

Thank you. My mum came over last night and cheered me up a little.

I just feel so impatient, I want it to be over now (this situation, not my life just to clarify), I just wish someone could say to me 'in X years time, it will happen' and then I could be okay. It's the not knowing if it ever will that kills me.

I'm 26 so I have time but this has been my life now for at least the past few years, it's ruining what is supposed to be some of my best years but I can't stop. I could keep doing this until I hit 40+ and have nothing to show for it. The thought of that terrifies me.

All the hospital can tell me is it will 'probably' happen or 'statistically speaking, odds are in favour of it happening eventually'. But the more times it doesn't, the less I believe that. I can picture me sitting here in 2 years time on miscarriage number 20 typing the same post, no further on. I just can't see an escape right now.

And I do worry too. Because I get pregnant very easily, even the hospital are surprised at the rate at which I do, how long can I keep doing this before I end up having a dangerous complication.

Statistically, I'd imagine eventually I'll end up having an ectopic or something similar.

But then equally, I can't just stop. I feel like the more times I'm pregnant, the more dangerous it's getting every time but then I don't know if that's just my anxiety.

I remember your other post. I've been thinking about you in a non creepy way.

This is so shit. I am so so sorry.

💐💐💐