Should I tell him on the first date?

[Dizraeli]

I've got a date coming up. Really looking forward to it and finally feels right to start dating again after splitting up with my ex. Thing is, I'm going to be in court the next day, all day, facing my ex due to domestic abuse. Sexual, emotional, physical. The works. I feel like my date is a pretty understanding guy and is likely to be ok with it, but not sure whether it's ok to talk about stuff like that so early on. We haven't talked about exes at all yet as it's not really been relevant, but not sure what I'll say if the 'what are you up to tomorrow?' question comes up. I am a really bad liar... I personally don't see an issue with telling the truth, but it's been my life for a long time so may seem more normal to me than others.

Please don't tell me I'm not ready to date yet or it's the wrong time. I completely appreciate why you may think so but this feels so right and I'm not going to let a good date pass me by just because of my asshole ex. I'm not damaged goods as my ex refers to me and am excited to start dating again.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! :)

I think I'd be tempted to rehearse something factual that doesn't lead on to too many questions. Your date is a good thing, an exciting thing and you deserve to enjoy it rather than have to go through everything. I'd say something like 'Actually, I'm in court, my ex was a bit of a bastard. I don't want to talk about that tonight though' in a breezy tone, then change the subject.

Only you will know whether you're ready to date again! Good for you for having the courage and bravery to date again after what you've been through. I promise you, not all men are the same and hopefully the next one you find will be nothing like your ex.

Personally however, I would use this date to relax and enjoy yourself, have a laugh and a flirt and spend a few hours not thinking about it. I also don't think he would want to spend his evening talking about an ex (regardless of how much a complete wanksplat he may be)

Enjoy your date! X

I wouldn’t.

First dates are about seeing if there’s a spark and how you two get along. Focus on chatting about things that will make it clear to you if you want a second date.
What happened with your ex is only a small part of you. At the moment it probably feels like it is taking over your life because of the proximity of the court case but it’s really too soon to be talking about exes no matter what the background.

Good luck for the date, hope you have a great time

Personally I wouldn't, just because if he then doesn't contact you you will forever be thinking "what if". I would just say not much but at the weekend I am...

Keep it light.
First dates are for gently finding out if you're on the same wavelengths. Don't mention exes other than in passing.
Listen at least as much as talking.

I had a guy tell me about his depression, anxiety , abusive childhood and alcoholism very early on.

I was at first cool with it and glad he opened up.

Then later on he expected me to be sensitive to.him the whole time and never let it be said he didnt tell me.

I wish he hadnt. Dating is meant to be fun and I'm sorry but I didnt want to hear it and have to tiptoe around someone

Certainly not on first date - or second. You don't owe anyone complete honesty unless/until a relationship becomes serious so don't spill the beans straightaway. Just have fun!

I think a lot of men would run a mile as they'd think there would be aggro involved for them, such as ex wanting to fight them etc.

Also I agree with pp, use the date to relax and enjoy.

Definitely not .

No. Don't put yourself in that position. You will make him pity you, feel sorry for you or worse still see a target in you. Be a new you. Tell him nothing, be a fresh and new person and enjoy your date without bringing the bad memories into it. They are for the court case only

I wouldn’t. It can be very overwhelming on a first date

Thanks all. You're probably right! I haven't dated in a long time.... I am so nervous!

Don't do it - hopefully your new date is fine, but you can't possibly know that yet, and abusive men tend to be on the lookout for women who've already been in abusive relationships - they can save a lot of time on the grooming that way.

So I wouldn't tell him in case he uses it against you and starts lovebombing you or something.

This early on, you don't really need to tell him your every move, so I'd just mention something else you're doing.

He might also see you as an easy target to abuse too.

Why would you tell a complete stranger that you're meeting for the first time anything of that? No, no, no. If he asks what you are up to the next day, say something like nothing special, how about you? To be honest I'd be tempted to rearrange the date because your mind will not be focused on the date but on court. I've been in your shoes. I wouldn't want a first date anywhere near a court date. I find it very stressful and I've had to go several times due to my exH. And I certainly wouldn't be telling a date about it until I knew them much better and was in a relationship rather than just dating. You are very vulnerable at the moment. You might not think so, but you are, and will be a magnet to abusive men.

No. It is a first date and he might be the sort to prey on abused women.

He might not, but a first date is to see if you click.

Good luck with the date and the court case.

The timing isn't great, can't you put off until a few days after?

I would suck it and see, as the phrase goes. If you hit it off and get deep and meaningful quickly, then you could bring it up. If it's a light hearted fun date, don't mention it.

My DD has done the freedom programme and extra work, the advice is to never disclose.

As said, he could use it against you.

He is a stranger and for a good while he will show you what he wants to. Look out for red flags and don't dismiss any behaviour that makes you uncomfortable.

Remember that dating should be fun, if it isn't fun, end it.

No. You have no idea if you can trust him yet or what kind of person he is. It's not something that needs to be disclosed, its your personal business.

No!

Absolutely not.

I would advise you not to talk about anything like this on a first date.

I agree that only you can know if you're ready to date again.

I remember a first date I had with a man who told me how much he wasn't ready for commitment as he had just recovered from ME.

In fact he went on and on and on and on about ME and his response to it all evening. it was remarkably off-putting.

But be brave, OP. Maybe having something like this to occupy your thoughts is a good thing, the night before something so pivotal.

I wish you all the best in court. I've done that shit too and it felt so empowering to get it out of the way.

I think it would be an over share, personally. I over share when I'm nervous and I always want to take the things I say back as soon as I have said them! I wouldn't say anything, no

If she's chomping at the bit to tell him I'd say she isn't ready

Her ex is still dominating her thoughts.

I was worrying if we'd get on and like each other last date I had. She is itching to talk about her ex.