Should I tell him on the first date?

[Dizraeli]

I've got a date coming up. Really looking forward to it and finally feels right to start dating again after splitting up with my ex. Thing is, I'm going to be in court the next day, all day, facing my ex due to domestic abuse. Sexual, emotional, physical. The works. I feel like my date is a pretty understanding guy and is likely to be ok with it, but not sure whether it's ok to talk about stuff like that so early on. We haven't talked about exes at all yet as it's not really been relevant, but not sure what I'll say if the 'what are you up to tomorrow?' question comes up. I am a really bad liar... I personally don't see an issue with telling the truth, but it's been my life for a long time so may seem more normal to me than others.

Please don't tell me I'm not ready to date yet or it's the wrong time. I completely appreciate why you may think so but this feels so right and I'm not going to let a good date pass me by just because of my asshole ex. I'm not damaged goods as my ex refers to me and am excited to start dating again.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! :)

No.

First dates are just for getting to know a few things, nothing too deep, nothing too personal, just light and easy. Think of it like meeting a new person at a party for the first time.

And think about you and your vulnerability. Be mindful of yourself, this is all a lot to deal with. Don’t rush into anything.

Jesus....
Are you really going to be in the right frame of mind the night before....?

I had a very nice date with a really interesting man.
He was embarking on a lengthy custody battle. I said I didn't want to see him. I just thought he really needed to focus on his task at hand. I was also wary of someone who wanted to date at such an important time.....

Agree, keep schtum. Completely not appropriate for a first date. No way!

Another vote to say don't tell him. If he asks, say nothing much, family stuff, what about you? Ask him how he usually spends his weekends, get him talking about himself and find out whether or not you are actually compatible.

I agree with @Boredoftherain - it would be an overshare, but I hope you have a lovely time, and good luck for the following day.

Personally I would postpone. Just blame it on work or something.

If he asks what you’re up to tomorrow just come back with oh not much, how about you? Have you seen x is out next week at the cinema I’d love to see it next weekend and move the conversation swiftly on

Definitely not .

I asked about whether I should mention it, not whether I should be dating or I should postpone. Not all people going through stressful situations are a complete wreck beforehand. I have an ability to put off all thoughts about it until the morning of. It isn't an issue for me. I am perfectly ready to date. I'm not chomping at the bit to talk about my ex. That's hardly the same...

No, you shouldn't tell him. Never give someone you don't know well the key to your vulnerabilities, you don't know what he'd do with it.

Thanks. Definitely not going to mention it. Just wasn't sure what to say if asked 'do you talk to your son's dad' or 'what are you up to tomorrow?' - I get the point about not making yourself vulnerable and agree.

No.

An abuser will pursue you harder with that information.

You tell a man you have reason to trust, much later into things.

It’s the first date, keep it short, sweet and fun. I wouldn’t divulge lots of personal information (regardless of the nature of it) to someone on a first date. If you do and he doesn’t want a second date then you’ll feel really shit.

God no, over sharing - he doesn’t need to know any of that stuff.

Do you talk to your son’s dad? Not unless I have to.
What are you up to tomorrow? I’ve got an appointment. You?

It’s a first date.

Just wasn't sure what to say if asked 'do you talk to your son's dad' or 'what are you up to tomorrow?' -

"No, we're not amicable" and "I have an appointment". And change the subject.

Mention it lightly in passing - but only if he asks about your plans for next day - and just say that it's nice to have a night off from it. No details, no anguish - it's a date not a therapy session.

I'd be honest. But minimal. Leave it there.

Just wasn't sure what to say if asked 'do you talk to your son's dad'

No, he's a bit of a cunt. More potatoes?

Please don't explain that it's personal. If you feel edgy, then make it that you have a big professional challenge next day and are revving up for it. Which will simultaneously send the message that you are taken very seriously at work and no pushover.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. See how you feel and how the date goes. How are you feeling about court? Do you think you will one able to focus on the date the night before? I can understand you wanting time do something nice the night before. I had to go to court to give evidence against the man who sexually abused me as a child. I know how hard this is. Be kind yourself and give yourself permission to do what feels right.

I told my now husband about my childhood on our first date; I think I wanted to give him an escape option incase it was too much for him; it has had such a huge impact on my life. I already knew him through work, so he wasn't a complete stranger and I felt comfortable with him.

Good luck on your date, and sending you lots of love and support for court. DM me if you want some support.

When I told people leading up to court I told them I had been a victim of a crime as a child and i was going to court to give evidence.

Could you say something similar? You have been in a very difficult relationship which resulted in you being a victim of crime and you are going to testify.

Oh god definitely not. He would probably run a mile!

No absolutely not. Don't leave yourself vulnerable to abusers. Your abuse shouldn't define you anyway. There are loads of things you should be talking about before discussing your abuser. Keep it light at the start.

I wouldn’t. I’d find it a bit of a red flag in the situation reversed.

Good luck for your court date though- extremely brave to fight him, and break free!