Should I tell him on the first date?

[Dizraeli]

I've got a date coming up. Really looking forward to it and finally feels right to start dating again after splitting up with my ex. Thing is, I'm going to be in court the next day, all day, facing my ex due to domestic abuse. Sexual, emotional, physical. The works. I feel like my date is a pretty understanding guy and is likely to be ok with it, but not sure whether it's ok to talk about stuff like that so early on. We haven't talked about exes at all yet as it's not really been relevant, but not sure what I'll say if the 'what are you up to tomorrow?' question comes up. I am a really bad liar... I personally don't see an issue with telling the truth, but it's been my life for a long time so may seem more normal to me than others.

Please don't tell me I'm not ready to date yet or it's the wrong time. I completely appreciate why you may think so but this feels so right and I'm not going to let a good date pass me by just because of my asshole ex. I'm not damaged goods as my ex refers to me and am excited to start dating again.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! :)

I agree with PP it is way to early in a relationship to talk about that kind of thing .
If he ask what are you up to tomorrow , a small white lie like the dentist , catching up with a old friend etc is fine. Remember what you have told him though in case he rings up to chat that evening ,

To them that are saying are you sure / put it off .
Only YOU know if it is right or not , nobody else . this new chap could turn out to be a ass / boring / nasty or hopefully he will turn out to be the love of your life and a true friend .

I hope both your date and the court case go well for you

I remember this, the need to confess so it was “out there” and they knew what they were potentially getting...

You don’t need to tell anyone anything like that on the first date, just say something neither here nor there if the subject comes up(which it might not!)

Last relationship wasn’t good, he wasn’t a good partner and I’m glad to be out of it all and looking forward to what life holds for me next

When things get a little more serious and you’re more into each other, then you can elaborate whenever you’re more comfortable

If the tomorrow question comes up, “busy, but nothing overly interesting, what are you up to yourself?”

If you're able to reschedule, I'd do that. First dates can be nerve wracking and you may be tempted to drink one too many which may affect how you feel and/or how you deal with things the next day.

If you do go ahead with the date the night before and have friends/family coming to court to support you, I'd just say "seeing my friends/family tomorrow, how about you?"

Good luck in court 🍀💐

'do you talk to your son's dad'

Ha ha, as little as I have to...

I find that when people ask about exes on a first date they are just trying to find out if you are sane or a drama lama. It would be perfectly possible to briefly mention your ex as being someone you are estranged from and going through a court case against without mentioning abuse and sexual stuff.

If the subject of tomorrow comes up, I’d say something like ‘oh nothing exciting, I have a bit of admin to catch up on.’ I think ‘I have an appointment’ is a little abrupt. And might lead to follow up questions.

If he asks what you're doing tomorrow, I'd just breeze past it with "Oh nothing interesting, but I'm really looking forward to Saturday, when I'm going skating with some friends" -- or whatever enjoyable event you've got planned next. That leads naturally on to talking about your interests, nice easy stuff.

Best of luck with court, and with the date. I'm glad you're focusing on the future and planning for good times.

Do not drink, you have a lot on the following day.

I won't be drinking. I have a child to look after when I get home and am driving so wasn't planning on. It's a mid morning brunch date :)

He’ll think you have far too much baggage. Will you be able to relax enough to enjoy yourself anyway, with that hanging over you?

It's not hanging over me. It's just a thing that is happening.

You're going on a date not for a counselling session. It's absolutely nothing to do with him. Have some fun!

No I was going through something similar when i met my now dp 5 years ago I didn't tell him anything about it until a year later when we got serious.

I'm also currently going through this and have a court date next week, I 100% wouldn't be telling anyone on a first date. If it progresses into a relationship I may tell him if it came up in convo.
Tbh I'd feel quite weird about sharing it, not really sure why though

No need on a first date youre meant to see if youre compatible its not this is your life

Absolutely not. To be honest,I would try and reschedule the date to after your court appearance.

I've not been in your shoes but personally I would not tell early on.

My reasons would be that that level of honesty is just too much too early on. You do not owe him your full story and also you don't how that information will affect him.

It could make him run a mile, now maybe it's good to know if he cannot handle things but maybe he will handle things just fine when he gets to know you a bit.

I also feel that this man just doesn't need to know what has gone on so early on. There is always a risk that he will be overly interested in all this and not so interested in 'you'.

I do think it is important to start this relationship with you and him both knowing how you expect to be treated, with respect, care etc. And beginning with him knowing lots of details of how another man treated you badly is just not a good way to start IMHO.

You don't need to lie about what you are doing. You don't need to tell the whole truth either.

Will you pop to shops, see a friend for coffee, drop into work? Might you do one or all of these things. I'd just say 'I might pop to shops, see a friend for coffee, drop into work...'

You are so early in the relationship he will hopefully not be expecting to know what you are up to every day and if he does I'd find that a touch over powering so early on.

Please look after yourself and enjoy your brunch.

As most PPs have said ... No way!!

I'm not sure if this is an OLD date or someone you already know.

But either way. No no no. For 2 reasons

1. Dates are suppose to be fun and getting to know a person.

2. Don't open up too soon, you have no idea what his intentions are.

I've been on first dates where they've told me about childhood abuse, about violent exes, a lot of psycho ex's, why they don't see their kids. Etc etc

But honestly it's too much too soon.

And some just talk and talk and talk. Most dates aren't even interested in hearing you talk, just want you to listen to them.

Sorry I'm a big cynic ..... ignore this middle aged sour puss!

Have a lovely date :)

Just wasn't sure what to say if asked 'do you talk to your son's dad'

Oh that’s a long story, I’ll tell you another time. Let’s talk about X.....

'what are you up to tomorrow?'

Oh I have some stressful meetings / legal things to sort out. Anyway I don’t want to think about that now, tell me more about Y....

You are not obliged to answer every question every time someone asks you. When you’ve been in an abusive relationship it can be hard to have boundaries.

oh god no...

I went on millions of first dates... mostly off the internet... no actually, all off the internet.. but anyway, often they would talk about their ex's and spill their whole tragic story... it's tedious and boring and an instant turn off. I don't lack empathy or sympathy but when you are expecting a nice light hearted getting to know you meeting and are landed with what feels like a counselling session, its a deal breaker.

Nooooo

Good luck on date!

Cybernan are you me?

oh god no...

I went on millions of first dates... mostly off the internet... no actually, all off the internet.. but anyway, often they would talk about their ex's and spill their whole tragic story... it's tedious and boring and an instant turn off. I don't lack empathy or sympathy but when you are expecting a nice light hearted getting to know you meeting and are landed with what feels like a counselling session, its a deal breaker.

This x 100

I think you can say whatever you feel comfortable with saying, in any situation and at any time, you don’t need any other persons approval to do that, it’s completely up to you.