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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting DS's cousin to come and stay

61 replies

cooperage · 28/02/2020 16:15

For context, I am divorced from DS’s father and I moved back to the UK after we split up. I have since remarried. XH has stayed in his home country, and DS visits regularly. Relations between me & XH are still quite strained and we are still in conflict over maintenance.

I have recently had an email from his sister asking if their son, who is 14 like DS, could come and stay with us in the holidays. DS sees his cousin from time to time during his visits to his dad, but until now I hadn't seen or heard from any of his family for 4 years.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
RedRed9 · 28/02/2020 16:17

It’s odd that they’re asking if he can come to you rather than inviting DS to theirs or arranging a visiting time with his dad. Is there a reason for this?

How much would your DS like to spend time with his cousin?

GoodJobSteve · 28/02/2020 16:17

Unless there's a drip feed about the cousin to come, I'd say go for it - it would be lovely for the cousin, possibly lovely for your DS too.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 28/02/2020 16:22

Depends on what her motives are. If your DCs get on really well and your DS would enjoy having his cousin over then it could help keep him amused during the holidays. If she's short of childcare and just looking at you for a solution then maybe not. As the cousin will be visiting the UK from another country will you be expected to take him out to lots of places? Would you have time to do that?

AryaStarkWolf · 28/02/2020 16:24

how odd, unless they're really close and in which case it would probably come from your son not your ex sil

okiedokieme · 28/02/2020 16:26

Doesn't seem odd to me, especially if they get along well

frazzledasarock · 28/02/2020 16:30

You don’t sound like you have a relationship with the nephew, so I’d say no.

It can be pretty difficult putting up someone else’s teen.

I think you’re fine saying no.

Raindancer411 · 28/02/2020 16:31

Out of interest, how long would it be for and will they supply money to pay for days out and food etc?

QueenArseClangers · 28/02/2020 16:33

So your ex SIL hasn’t spoke to you for 4 years yet expects to send her teenage son to stay with you? Confused

Hooferdoofer37 · 28/02/2020 16:33

If you're not keen on hosting, but DS enjoys spending time with his cousin, why don't you message back:

"A meet up in the summer would be lovely for the boys, but I tend to see my friends & family during my contact time, so we're quite booked up already.
Ex will have DS from X date to Y date, so if you contact him, I'm sure he can arrange for a get together during those times."

LettertoHermoine · 28/02/2020 16:33

Nope, not out of the blue like that. Very hard to have a child in your home that you don't know well. Unless your son really wants him to come, I would say no. Seems really strange them contacting you out of the blue after 4 years to ask to take their child for the holidays.

Original poster
cooperage · 28/02/2020 16:34

I haven't seen the cousin since they were 9, and although I think they get on OK, he and DS don't see each other more than twice a year (and have no contact otherwise) so I wouldn't call them close. I have no real idea what he's like, and he and my DH have never met.

My main issue though is that any insight into our lives - positive or negative - that he takes home with him would make it back to XH and be used against me.

OP posts:
LettertoHermoine · 28/02/2020 16:34

@Hooferdoofer37 that sounds perfect!

Original poster
cooperage · 28/02/2020 16:37

QueenArseClangers exactly that

I was thinking of responding along those lines Hoofer, I like it. They're perfectly nice people, and I'm sure their DS is a decent boy, but I'm not comfortable having him in our home

OP posts:
Idonttrackpeas · 28/02/2020 16:39

I share your concern OP. I am very careful who I give access to my life since I don't want anything feeding to ex. How long is the proposed holiday and when is it? Will the sister be coming too? Can you suggest she rents a airbnb or something and you can spend a few days there?

MRex · 28/02/2020 16:41

I'd just let your DS decide, he knows the kid and whether he'd enjoy spending all that time with him or not. With your DS at the age of 14 it doesn't matter what messages a kid then does or doesn't send back unless you're both taking drugs or creating other serious problems for your DS.

wrinkledimplelover · 28/02/2020 16:42

I agree about him spending time with DSZ when he's with his father. Is it a language thing? Is XH from a non-English speaking country so they want the cousin to have English exposure?

And there's another side. While his parents are decent, that doesn't mean he will be when he's free of them. If he does something really stupid, or gets injured, YOU are going to be in a nightmare situation because XH will blame it on you. Definitely don't have him to stay under any circumstances!

wrinkledimplelover · 28/02/2020 16:43

No idea where the Z came from!!

Original poster
cooperage · 28/02/2020 16:43

Raindancer Idonttrackpeas a week or so and it'd be just him if i'm understanding her message right.

I work FT and am loath to use up a week of leave playing tour guide, nor can I afford to fork out for endless visits & trips (necessary here as we live in quite a remote spot - no public transport so i'd have to take them everywhere)

OP posts:
Flutteringsatlast · 28/02/2020 16:45

Surely ex needs to be facilitating geh relationship between ds and the cousin? Forward him the email!

Original poster
cooperage · 28/02/2020 16:45

wrinkle yes they are essentially asking for a free language trip because English isn't his native language and AFAIK he's never been to the UK

And good point about responsibility! Another reason to say no...

OP posts:
Nowayorhighway · 28/02/2020 16:45

DS can spend time with his cousin during contact time with his Dad. I find it odd ex SIL has just contacted you out of the blue four years after the divorce to ask this.

As for poster who suggested she needs childcare, they are 14.

hammeringinmyhead · 28/02/2020 16:46

Methinks your ex-SIL just doesn't want to entertain a 14 year old in the school holidays. Or organise childcare, if he is a young 14.

katy1213 · 28/02/2020 16:47

I think I'd reply that as her brother isn't too forthcoming with maintenance, then you can afford to be entertaining his family for the forseeable future. Do you live in a more desirable holiday area than your ex? Or does she just assume that being female you'll be more up for the workload of feeding/clearing up after another teenage boy?

MzHz · 28/02/2020 16:50

Sounds like they want a break from him and are shipping him off, it’s certainly not for your ds benefit

Tbh, I’d ignore the text, they’re not your family, they’ve ignored you for years... let xh sort them out.

Raindancer411 · 28/02/2020 16:50

@cooperage If you haven't seen him in 5 years and you need to take time off, I wouldn't say you were unreasonable to say no. Esp if they don't regularly see each other, maybe a recipe for disaster and stress.

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