For not wanting DS's cousin to come and stay

[cooperage]

For context, I am divorced from DS’s father and I moved back to the UK after we split up. I have since remarried. XH has stayed in his home country, and DS visits regularly. Relations between me & XH are still quite strained and we are still in conflict over maintenance.

I have recently had an email from his sister asking if their son, who is 14 like DS, could come and stay with us in the holidays. DS sees his cousin from time to time during his visits to his dad, but until now I hadn't seen or heard from any of his family for 4 years.

AIBU to say no?

We're in lockdown.

Furthermore, now you've discovered what a twat the boy's father is, you won't want to be in contact anyway.

I don't think you should feel remotely bad about refusing this self invitation. You clearly feel very uncomfortable about the prospect of the visit. It sounds like you are being pressured to capitulate. Given your ex's family has had zero contact with you for years, why should you feel any obligation to agree?

Just seen your update. Good call to refuse!

You could (if you really want to be sugary sweet) do a quick google search of English language exchanges and reply to the really nasty husband here and say "As I mentioned in my email in February, I'm not able to have X to stay for reasons already mentioned but if he is looking to learn English in a family environment, I thought these places might be useful to you" and then paste into the email the search results you found. They you can't be considered as being unreasonable at all, after all you've tried to find a solution to their problem but without their involvement. If they decide not to pay for the exchange, then it is they that are being unreasonable and closed minded.

I'd be sorely tempted to write something back along the lines of "thank you for being so understanding". If his English is bad and he's that much of an arse, it'll drive him mad thinking that he didn't manage to convey his annoyance. And if he does get that you're being sarcastic, that will also annoy him.

However, I'd advise not listening to me- lockdown is bringing out my pettiness!

Imagine if the boy had come over and was stuck with you during lock down😂wouldn't that be fun

He's XH's BIL (sister's husband).

I thought he was an ok sort of bloke before. I'm wondering if he was pissed when he wrote the message, because it arrived around midnight and it's mostly incoherent. He was pissed off at my response but has been emboldened by booze to say so, maybe.

I can't even remember when I last saw them, but it could be 6 or even 7 years ago! Even DS hasn't seen his cousin since Christmas 2018. So the idea that their son is entitled to have his horizons expanded by visiting us is an interesting angle. No mention of the current global crisis either. I wonder how he was planning on getting the boy to us?

I'm not going to dignify it with a reply but I like your suggestions!

He sounds typical of the sort of man who thinks women exist for his convenience.

"I am not at all closed-minded. I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness and that of my child, without reference to YOU, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me. I cannot provide tour guide services or hotel accommodation to people who are not part of my own family or circle of friends. I am divorced from XXX and have no connection to you or your son"

“Your anger and expectations are unreasonable. Perhaps you should consider contacting a psychologist or counsellor in your country.”

You could send back and tell him you charge £500 a week to host.
Includes meals and trips out.