To be frustrated with in laws?

[Gemm83]

DH is going through a shit time at work at the moment. Proper shit. I've mentioned this on previous threads. Mental health issues going back to school days where he was severely bullied. He struggles with how people talk to him. He works in an all male, small independent business. His bosses are arseholes. However, if they talk to other team members they just tell them to piss off and get on with their job. DH doesn't. He takes it extremely personally. I think he maybe be undiagnosed on the autism spectrum too. He has socialising issues, extremely intelligent etcm

He has come home from work twice in 2 weeks crying saying that he can't take it anymore. I've been living with this for nearly 15 years. All fine for a while, something happens and bang.

It was his 1st day back at work yesterday and the in laws called me 5 Times throughout the day to see if I had heard from him, how's he doing, has he spoken to anyone etc. I've had comments such as. We feel physically sick for him, we haven't slept, it's all because of what happened at school, we feel so helpless and you need to support him.

Everytime I see them I'm treated to the "He is how he is because of what happened..."

I know they are his parents and they care and worry about him but he is 42 YEARS OLD. Not a 13 year old at school.

I've just had a phonecall from my FIL all doom and gloom saying they are coming up for a chat as yet again they didn't sleep last night with worry.

I don't think I can handle this anymore. They are both in their 70's. I can't deal with another talk about why he is the way he is. I have PND and on anti depressants myself.

I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

We feel physically sick for him, we haven't slept, it's all because of what happened at school, we feel so helpless and you need to support him.
Hard enough seeing your DH struggle without having to cope with them too OP. YANBU.

Everytime I see them I'm treated to the "He is how he is because of what happened..."
They need to understand that their attitude is not helping their son.
If they insist on portraying him as a fragile little flower, how on earth is he going to get into a more resiliant mindset?

I've just had a phonecall from my FIL all doom and gloom saying they are coming up for a chat as yet again they didn't sleep last night with worry.
Tell FiL not to bother.
Tell him that constant mithering is doing NOTHING to help DH, & they need to back off.
If they want to visit, they need to talk about happy, upbeat topics.
They are making his problem all about them, it is entirely selfish.

Meanwhile - you have to get to a place where you can cope with it all.
Are you up to date with your own meds review, counselling, etc? Do you have time & space to just chill, do hobbies, have a break?

DH needs some coping strategies.
Will he go to the GP to get started with some advice & signposting to whatever services might be best placed to help him?
You cannot carry on doing nothing, & you must not expose yourself to further upset from PiLs. They are exacerbating the situation by carrying on as if the only subject of any importance in DH's life is how he is handling work relationships. It's destructive, negative & unhelpful. Steel yourself, & tell them so.

the kindest thing is to humour them and keep them in the loop so they don’t feel left out.

I disagree, I think their attitude is appalling & unhelpful.
The last thing they need is keeping in the loop - they will use every new piece of info as another chance to moan on & on at OP.
It's also very telling that they are not considering OP's own stress & worry, & the fact that she also is likely losing sleep over DH.

Anyone telling OP she "needs to support" her own husband & ringing her 5 times a day expressly to say so has forfeited the right to any kindness.
OP is the one living with this situation - who is supporting her?

Surely they’re behaviour is putting more pressure on your DH telling him they can’t sleep over it etc. That is not good for someone who suffers with MH. I would be telling them for his sake to back off immediately. (And your sake, your supporting him but whose supporting you?)

Also OP, can he go on sick leave from stress? Any other less stressful job he could take up?

They need to fuck off with their coming for a chat because they didn't sleep.

If they need help-you & your husband aren't the people to be getting it from because you're trying to deal with the actual situation yourselves!

Why are they contacting you at all? I make polite conversation with my PILs but there is no way I would tolerate them ringing me multiple times a day. I'd just block them and tell my DH to deal with them. I feel for your DH but at some point he needs to take responsibility for the situation. Why doesn't he look for another job?

He is actively seeking another job, but he's is quite a niche market so opportunities are few and far between. He can't go on sick as he doesn't receive sick pay and I'm currently on SMP. That sounds totally selfish but we would be fooled.

They've come up and I've had "the chat" again. Tbf they completely understand where I am coming from and they are also beyond frustrated with the situation. I just don't need to be going over it 5 times a day 😕

So are they planning on coming to see you to talk about all this while your husband is at work? If so, SAY NO. Invent an excuse, but say no and do not let them continue to perpetuate this misery.

You need to stop them.
If you can’t, then you need not answer the phone if it’s them and head out so you’re not in.
Then 4 times out of 5 when this topic is broached be bright and breezy and change the subject to something else, something else. You cannot ALL be sucked in, constantly, to be circling around this issue as if is the black hole at the centre of your lives with all you orbiting the event horizon. There must be other things, for you especially at the moment.

Totally different situation but I also have a MIL who worries about every little thing. It drives me insane. Literally the most ridiculous things.

We changed my baby's formula and she called my husband almost crying because she thought we'd just changed it suddenly without mixing it with the previous one (we did mix it.)

She once told me 12 times (I counted) to put socks on (I'm nearly 40, it was summer.) Again, almost started crying when I didn't.

She will literally start on at me about going to the doctor if I clear my throat, and spend all afternoon asking if I got sick. This is to the point that I have literally started leaving the room to sneeze or cough because I can't stand her mithering.

I'm to the point where I am seriously sick of her and don't contact her as much because whatever I say, she'll react by worrying about it and almost crying.

I really don't want her passing all of this anxiety on to my son, especially her massive amounts of health anxiety.

I get you. Anxious people who don't realise how much their anxiety impacts others do my head in. I am anxious by nature too, but I realise it's not my place to put that on others.

@BiscuitBarrels

You cannot ALL be sucked in, constantly, to be circling around this issue as if is the black hole at the centre of your lives with all you orbiting the event horizon.

This is the best way I think I have EVER heard anyone describe the situation.

I feel really angry at DH for making his parents feel like this. They freely admit that they have wrapped him up in cotton wool. He was a longed for 1st baby and his mum often says that she's overprotective of him....but his 42!!! He is also a master manipulator. His dad could call to give him a kick up the arse but it then turns into a "poor you".

He told his dad last night that he is 42 and has nothing.....nothing....and I got told this today!! Charming.

Has he actually updated his CV & applied for any new jobs ? Have you seen evidence ?

Has he updated his Linked In & other online sources ?

Has he been to any interviews or agencies or job fairs ?

If he quits his job, do you have savings ?

Can you work PT or FT to take some of the financial pressure off ?

Has he been to GP about his feelings/depression ?

I would tell his parents, that they should discuss with him, not you

Well it sounds as if you need to not engage with ILs about it-but you admit that your husband is a manipulator?

So they are acting as they have done for years?

Your husband needs to pack it in the selfish git!

He told his dad last night that he is 42 and has nothing.....nothing....and I got told this today!!

What?!!!

Unless he gets his arse in gear & takes responsibility for his own health by seeing a GP & arranging counselling & medication ... you may as well leave him to his "nothing", huh?

I wonder how much your own depression would lift, OP, if you were not having to take care of DH, his moods, manipulation & parents all the time?

If he's treated that badly in his job, he needs to submit a grievance or find a new job. Sod all that 'niche' field nonsense. Any job would do, so long as it brings in money and it gets him away from the arseholes.

Why isn't he doing that?

is he using mummy and daddy as his flying monkeys? making you feel bad and guilty by getting them to put pressure on you? sounds like you have your own stuff to deal with. Tell mummy and daddy to fuck off. and then, maybe say the same to the pussy-boy, too.

I wasn't going to say it, however I've changed my mind

He needs to MAN UP ! & support himself & his family

I agree shipshape or ship out !

Ahh I have a massive soft spot for older folk. Bless them.

Hope they back off you a little bit after your chat today.

I appreciate that he's fragile at the moment, it I wouldn't let his "I have nothing" comment go unchallenged.

I'd be bloody furious that he said it. And angry that his parents have so little regard for your self esteem that they thought it ok to tell you something so hurtful when you are dealing with PND yourself.

Maybe, but I doubt it, he'll realise that he needs to consider how his poor mental health is affecting others around him.

I'm not a medic, but here's what I think I'd do...

Between you (not with is parents) formulate a plan to tackle it. GP, Medication, therapy, lots of pleasant stuff to divert him etc. And a specified time/place for him to offload each day. Then the subject is closed until the same time next day. He can have a 'check in' phone call with his parents once a day so they feel in the loop. But the strategy should be to separate his workplace worries from home life.

He is in danger of missing out on the lovely newborn moments with his child, and he needs to refocus some attention on supporting you.

Obviously that excludes any crisis situation where he should feel he can get all the attention and support he needs.

His parents need to feel reassured that DH is taking steps to improve his situation. But they should also realise that by focusing on it 24/7, he's not getting chance to reflect and address it.

He told his dad last night that he is 42 and has nothing.....nothing....and I got told this today!! Charming

Mmm, I think you have a DH problem, not an PIL problem. DH is clearly not coping. Fine. He needs to find ways to get better. If he's depressed, see his GP about anti depressants/talking therapies etc. If he's unhappy at work, find a new job.

The whole niche industry thing is a red herring - skills are transferrable and very few industries are THAT niche. Hell, I know a woman whose husband is an electrical engineer and he convinced her he couldn't leave his job because it was too specialised....

Obviously, you want to be sympathetic. I get that. But he needs to seek help for any trauma he faced as a child. Has he ever had therapy?

He’s a master manipulator, his parents wrap him in cotton wool and they freely admit it, he told his dad that he’s got nothing(!) at the age of 42.....

Hmmmmm

Going back to your suspicions of undiagnosed ASD: is that something you and he have discussed? If this is genuinely something you believe then it’s something that must be pursued between you if you stand any chance of stopping this hideous cycle of things being fine-the wheels fall off-everyone feeds him and the in laws with enormous amounts of attention and it all goes round again. He and they need coping strategies and plans, even more so if ASD is a factor.

In any event, now is the time to start putting boundaries up all over the shop, if for no other reason than to protect your own health. They enable this unhealthy circle; there’s no reason you have to enable them - that’s your starting point.

I feel you OP. Not the same situation but we've been going through the adoption process (whole other thread). I shouldn't compare as everyone's different, but my family are very much "We love you, we're here if you need us". ILs are (seemingly) constantly worried and overwrought about EVERYTHING not just limited to us (though we live closest to them so cop it most). We get the "We haven't slept for worrying" "you know we worry so much" etc etc as well as them harping on about how much other family members will need them as they age. (to our knowledge all of these relatives who live 300 odd miles away have never expressed this and have their own local support networks).

Sadly we've needed to deal with it by reducing contact as they were negatively affecting DH mental health. He's got Aspergers and manages incredibly well but their controlling tendencies during childhood have had a lasting effect on him. They are nice people but we just cannot be responsible for their happiness.

So the quick answer is YANBU and you're not alone.

Maybe your husband likes all the attention. He does seriously need to start looking for another job.

@CBeebiesCBBC123

Active. Actually has an interview this evening.

Has been to GP and prescribed anti d's but doesn't want to take them as he feels like a failure by doing so. I have recommended CBT/counselling but is refusing.

No savings unfortunately as have used them on maternity to boost SMP.

Thankyou everyone for you input. The "nothing" comment threw me big time. He has a massive issue that we rent and that we don't own our own place. I'm pretty sure that's what the nothing was referring to, but still, really not nice to hear.

@BiscuitBarrels

Almost certain he on ASD. He thinks so too as has mentioned it to FIL during one of their chats. How do we even start looking into it though?