To be frustrated with in laws?

[Gemm83]

DH is going through a shit time at work at the moment. Proper shit. I've mentioned this on previous threads. Mental health issues going back to school days where he was severely bullied. He struggles with how people talk to him. He works in an all male, small independent business. His bosses are arseholes. However, if they talk to other team members they just tell them to piss off and get on with their job. DH doesn't. He takes it extremely personally. I think he maybe be undiagnosed on the autism spectrum too. He has socialising issues, extremely intelligent etcm

He has come home from work twice in 2 weeks crying saying that he can't take it anymore. I've been living with this for nearly 15 years. All fine for a while, something happens and bang.

It was his 1st day back at work yesterday and the in laws called me 5 Times throughout the day to see if I had heard from him, how's he doing, has he spoken to anyone etc. I've had comments such as. We feel physically sick for him, we haven't slept, it's all because of what happened at school, we feel so helpless and you need to support him.

Everytime I see them I'm treated to the "He is how he is because of what happened..."

I know they are his parents and they care and worry about him but he is 42 YEARS OLD. Not a 13 year old at school.

I've just had a phonecall from my FIL all doom and gloom saying they are coming up for a chat as yet again they didn't sleep last night with worry.

I don't think I can handle this anymore. They are both in their 70's. I can't deal with another talk about why he is the way he is. I have PND and on anti depressants myself.

I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

Am I the only one who could scream at nearly every post about a man and has ‘possibly on the spectrum’ as a forerunner to him being manipulative, needy, mummy’s boy??
Your DH sounds exhausting, whether not he genuinely has needs, MH or otherwise he seems to have spent his life in a woe is me state with mummy and daddy dancing attendance, he needs to grow up.
Personally I’d go on holiday and leave them to it!

i get where you are coming from. I feel for you withyour husband but one way is too stop telling his parents every detail of his life. My sis is like this with my mother and as a result she interferes in everthing and constanltly rings asking questions. I dunno how they put up with it. My partner and i have a rule not to tell too much about our lives its our business no one elses. Please push though for your husband to get help and tell inlaws to f off.

@Alsoco

Ahh I have a massive soft spot for older folk. Bless them.

Patronising much? You'll be an 'older folk' one day. You won't like that attitude much I can tell you.

OP, if your DH won't take anti depressants and won't get counselling then he doesn't want to get better does he.

And you'll have to get much firmer with the in-laws

"Has been to GP and prescribed anti d's but doesn't want to take them as he feels like a failure by doing so. I have recommended CBT/counselling but is refusing."

When my husband was ill I put pressure on him to take his prescribed medicine (Citalopram). I told him that he has to take them whether he wants to or not (not literally obviously- he's over 6 foot and I was never gonna force them down his throat) but I was clear that our family (me a stay at home mum at the time with our toddler) rely on him being well for our family to function and he doesn't have the luxury of choosing not to do the things that can make him well. To be fair he wasn't very rational at the time, he was too miserable and it was his belief they couldn't help him/it was him etc well they did help him and still do.

He came off them (slowly) at one point a couple of years ago as we were trying to conceive and thought it would be better that way. It was clear his mental health was starting to wobble- so I asked him to get straight back on them. He said "we'll wait a few weeks - see how I am" but I said "no way - get straight back on them now and hopefully this time it won't be as bad - start to get that help before you sink further".

Might be controversial but I think if someone has a family they have a responsibility to keep themselves well and able to function and contribute and if they need to take meds to do that then they need to do it. A single person has the luxury of deciding not to help themselves and to be thoroughly miserable but a family person no. Not to ignore the fact that the person is so deeply in their situation that they may not be able to see the situation objectively of course.

You have mentioned you are taking meds yourself - ask your partner if he would think it was ok for you to not take them even if that meant that you were crying all the time and unable to take care of your responsibilities? Depends if he can understand this type of question at the moment.

Whether he should try to move jobs I think depends on whether it really is the job/people that is the problem or if it is a mental health problem that he will take with him in the move.

Hope things improve for you soon. It is so hard but it will pass with the right support.

and yes your in-laws would drive me nuts. Can you let an answer machine take the calls - tell them you are busy with baby and will check the messages when you can- maybe once a day.

Personally, I think that all three of them need the services of a good therapist. Separately, of course.

So he hates his job and thinks you are nothing.
What a lovely man
Stop babying him and ignore his parents who seem to be doing the same
If he won't take the medication his GP as prescribed, he needs to go back.

Your husband has all this anxiety and draws you and his parents into his more of self pity but does not want to do anything to fix it?
Tell him to take the medication prescribed for him or stop complaining! If he doesn't want to help himself I would be done. As for his parents, be blunt they are making him worse not better.

@Winter2020

Thankyou for this. I feel like his mother at the moment...every night I'm saying "Have you taken your tablet?" Dr must think he needs them as he has given him the highest dose 🙄

Ahh I have a massive soft spot for older folk. Bless them.

@Alsoco, that pretty much made me want to vomit. It's the most patronising thing I've read in a long time.

Seriously, you need to stop seeing older people as pets. It's a repulsive way to see human beings who are every bit as likely to be highly educated and professional/ex-professional (or whatever other attribute you might respect) as anyone your age.

If the OP's DH is 41, they may well only be in their 60s. And even if they were in their 80s, they're STILL not cutesy people to go soft over.

How can he think he's a failure to take meds while demonstrably not being able to cope without either them or therapy/CBT?

It must be so frustrating for you OP.. I'm not sure I could continue listening to his woe is me performance while he is continuing to refuse any offer of help.

I've always thought it takes more courage to face your issues head-on than to be in denial about them.

Show your ILs you understand boundaries by ensuring they don't contact you every five minutes. They need to offload their stress onto everyone other than you. It's like those people who find out about someone's poor diagnosis and then make it about them by crying on their shoulder rather than supporting them.

@Gemm83

Noting that you’ve used savings to bolster SMP, then a visit to the GP with a list of details as to why you suspect ASD (both go) and ask for a referral to the adult ASD diagnosis team. What this team looks like/where it sits will vary by area but there should be one. You could google adult mental services in your area before the GP appointment to see if it has any information on adult ASD assessment. Be prepared for a long wait if he’s referred, and potentially needing to see more than 1 GP as adult referral and diagnosis isn’t on the radar for all GPs.

So he won't take prescribed antidepressants, and is refusing CBT and counselling.

You all need to stop indulging him in wallowing in his misery then. What's he doing to help himself - nothing.

Would I hell let the "I have nothing" comment go unchallenged... what are you and his kids, nothing?

Master manipulator indeed.

OP, I'd be gone.

I couldn't be listening to his parents.
I couldn't be listening to him.

No wonder you have PND with all that twittering going on constantly around you.

Exhausting to read...I can't imagine living it.

Cant you head off and visit family and take a break from it all and have a think.

You must be shattered from them all.

Thankyou all for your advice.

He's on his way home from interview. I asked him whether it was positive or negative and surprise surprise he said he doesn't know and that he needs to talk to me about it 😒 surely you would get some kind of indication?!

I should mention in his line of work you upload a CV if they like you they call you in to discuss terms, money etc and show you about and pretty much offer it there and then if they like you. It's not a full on interview and we will let you know kind of thing.

I hope he doesn't come across as such a miserable wet blanket in the interview. . .

@mbosnz

I think that's why they are pissed off with him in his current role to be honest. He didn't get a job he went for and has been sulking since October. Possible drip feed from me there, but my original post wasn't about his situation in general, just my in laws! Apologies!

I appreciate that he's fragile at the moment, it I wouldn't let his "I have nothing" comment go unchallenged.

I'd be bloody furious that he said it. And angry that his parents have so little regard for your self esteem that they thought it ok to tell you something so hurtful when you are dealing with PND yourself.

^^ This x 10! Bloody cheeky sod! You are holding it all together and that is what he thinks?
Can I ask what his parents did about the bullying at the time, did they support him, talk to the school etc. TBH I would be unimpressed with them constantly burdening you with their anxieties about bullying that happened on their watch.

@Nanny0gg

Nope. If that’s how you read a nice comment about my genuine affection for my grandparents, my grandparents in law and their friends then you have issues.

Suggest you spend less time online attacking other people. Now that’s me being patronising.

@Kastanien

Yes fully supportive. It was so bad that they took him out of the school. The lad bullying him was black. They made various complaints to the school, were called in thinking things were going to get sorted and we're asked how long they had been racist for. That was the final straw. They moved him in year 11. He was straight A* student but the school moved to were doing different things for GCSEs. He came away with mostly Cs and below. First day of college he gets there and so is the other lad. He dropped out and had a massive breakdown. This was between the ages of 17-22ish. He was on anti d''s then and had counselling, but didn't want to know then either. 🙄

In that case Gemm then I think he has to want to do something for himself, he can't go on blaming his past situation for something so many years later which he seemingly does not want to try to improve. He seems to be stuck in a situation where he is wallowing in the past, but does not want to change things. YANBU about being fed up with that behaviour from him, and the added difficulty of his parents interfering.

His school seemed awful btw but I guess that is another story!

School was shocking. I have friends who now have kids go there and it's still shocking. I'm seriously seriously struggling with it. He's just in his own little world and doesn't see the impact his behaviour is having on everyone around him.

What a wuss! Won't take meds or councelling. Jesus. No wonder you feel like his mum. On the spectrum or not he needs to grow a pair. His parents need to back off. Autism is not an excuse for being a dick. He needs to sort his shit out asap. All this from bullying? Aww bless! They all need slapping!!!!!

I think your DH needs some psychological support at the very least and urgently so OP. Can you or the IL’s pay for this privately to gain speedy access? This is the kind of constructive support that is needed; not projecting their anxiety on to you! YOU also need to get support urgently too OP...again an experienced psychologist would help you. You cannot help someone else if you are stressed to your wits end. If the ILs can help with resources and financial support surely this might help.

How daft that he won’t try AD’s! I don’t get it. Stigma has nothing to do with it, brain chemistry has everything to do with it. They are game changers with psychological support and life style changes for millions of people!