To be frustrated with in laws?

[Gemm83]

DH is going through a shit time at work at the moment. Proper shit. I've mentioned this on previous threads. Mental health issues going back to school days where he was severely bullied. He struggles with how people talk to him. He works in an all male, small independent business. His bosses are arseholes. However, if they talk to other team members they just tell them to piss off and get on with their job. DH doesn't. He takes it extremely personally. I think he maybe be undiagnosed on the autism spectrum too. He has socialising issues, extremely intelligent etcm

He has come home from work twice in 2 weeks crying saying that he can't take it anymore. I've been living with this for nearly 15 years. All fine for a while, something happens and bang.

It was his 1st day back at work yesterday and the in laws called me 5 Times throughout the day to see if I had heard from him, how's he doing, has he spoken to anyone etc. I've had comments such as. We feel physically sick for him, we haven't slept, it's all because of what happened at school, we feel so helpless and you need to support him.

Everytime I see them I'm treated to the "He is how he is because of what happened..."

I know they are his parents and they care and worry about him but he is 42 YEARS OLD. Not a 13 year old at school.

I've just had a phonecall from my FIL all doom and gloom saying they are coming up for a chat as yet again they didn't sleep last night with worry.

I don't think I can handle this anymore. They are both in their 70's. I can't deal with another talk about why he is the way he is. I have PND and on anti depressants myself.

I don't know how to deal with this anymore.

This sounds really hard OP. You are trapped here in a negative pattern between your inlaws and your husband. I think for your own mental health you need to extract yourself a little bit.

I think my first step would be cutting down on the contact with your in-laws, at least just for yourself. Them calling you 5 times in one day is beyond excessive and while none of this is your fault, by responding you are only enabling that behaviour. I would start weaning them off, if they call you in the morning answer just once and let them know that your DH will tell them if anything new develops.

If you can wean them off phone calls and on to text messages, even better, although they may not be keen on that at their age (no offence to 70+ year olds I know many are more then capable of using a mobile phone but some refuse to). Then only respond to the text messages rarely.

I would also stop being the message carrier between DH and your in-laws. They are feeding off each other in a negative way here, the last thing you want to do is to enable that. Get DH to be the one responsible for updating them on his life.

It might also help you to stop participating in these doom and gloom chats when they come round. You have a baby so you have an excuse to be in a different room when they are there. If the baby is asleep, be busy doing housework somewhere else. Or develop a migraine and go and lie down.

Ultimately, you might eventually have to have it out with them and tell them that you obviously love and support DH but that they are stressing you out with their behaviour when you should be focusing on their grandchild.

I wonder if you can try to reframe things a bit for your DH? I suspect he's got in to negative spiral partly because he can always run to his parents and have them reinforce the idea that everything is terrible and he can't cope. I' not saying to minimise what he is going through at work, because that will just push him away, but perhaps provide gentle encouragement when he shows a bit of resilience? So for example if he is telling you about a situation where he felt upset but held things together, tell him your think he did really well at holding it together. Trying to build up the idea that he can actually cope and he can get through it?

I think you really need to focus on yourself and your baby too. I feel that you ought to speak to your GP and ask about counselling for yourself, because I think you need help as much as anybody in this situation.

Nope. If that’s how you read a nice comment about my genuine affection for my grandparents, my grandparents in law and their friends then you have issues.

Still patronising, No, I don't. I wasn't the only one who read it that way either.

Thankyou all for your advice tonight. He got offered the job, BUT it's less money and much more petrol (he cycles at the moment).

High on your advice we had a very Frank discussion when he got home. About the people at his work, his attitude and his general demeanour. I've told him that I can't cope with it anymore and that it's having not only a negative impact on me, but the kids as well. I told him there was a difference between having a rant about a crap day at work and completely alienating our family whilst he sits there wallowing in his own self pity and stropping. He made the right noises but we shall see. 🤞

Fingers crossed Gemm83, I hope that you see some improvement soon.

@Nanny0gg

Yes. I was being patronising in my last post. As stated in the last line of the same. You’re just arguing for the sake of arguing now.

Apologies yes I missed the other person who I’ve forgotten their name now to tag.

People like to jump on others for no reason. It was my genuine thoughts. My opinion isn’t a harmful one. I do have a soft spot for them. I was raised by my grandparents and they were my only friends until I started school. Therefore due to that sacrifice that generation is always on a pedestal to me. I view them as selfless and caring from the off. No offence was meant in my first post.

I’m new to this forum and am starting to see why people hate it so much.

We’ll leave it there, I’ll take the patronising on the chin. I’m usually called contentious so it’s a downgrade.

Years of bullying can do alot of damage, he sounds like he needs help. Of course you do as well, being the strong one who copes has got a shelf life. Is the new job doable, I mean is it a bit less so you can work it out or is it out of the question. I ask because I nearly had a breakdown due to a bullying boss, not years of it but it really messed me, and I took a job on much less money. It was hard but the best thing I ever did, in a few years I was earning more than in the original job and I was happy.

Hope you can work something out.

You’re just arguing for the sake of arguing now. pot and kettle!

@NannyOgg, @saraclara, I'm a charmingly quaint and heartwarming Old Dear who also found @Alsoco's post fucking ridiculous. Just for the record.

@Gemm83, sorry to hijack. I've read your thread because I can relate to your situation and I think you're getting some great advice. So are your in-laws, if they'll listen.

Is it a possibility that whenever they want to call or come over to talk to him, you go out somewhere and leave them to it to get some space?

Alosoco
Applying a template of "lovely old dear" to elderly people because you have a good relationship with your GP is patronising and unhelpful to the OP .
I would second /third the advice to put boundaries in place with PIL .
Dont answer the phone when they ring .
Remove yourself when they start .

This is clearly a complicated situation: there’s a family dynamics issue with his parents/guilt/them making this ‘their’ worry. There’s unaddressed trauma from your DH’s schooldays (and I’m calling it what it is: peer to peer bullying is traumatising). There’s his struggle with his job and low mood - GPs don’t prescribe the highest dose of antidepressants for mild depression. There is also the possible undiagnosed AS. A clinical psychologist or psychiatrist is the only route to formal assessment and diagnosis, but your DH could do the ASQ test on line (like IQ but for Autism). That will give him an idea if diagnosis is something worth pursuing further. Otherwise, it’s worth saying that the trauma of bullying and perhaps a difficult dynamic with mum and dad may be causing him to have difficulties relating to others.

One thing with trauma,essentially PTSD now is that the normal adult development doesnt take place.
He is "stuck" in this dynamic because he hasnt developed into an independent ,functioning adult.
Also his DP are thriving on this and need him to need them in this unhealthy way.

My in laws are like this. They latch onto any kind of upset/negativity/drama and try to centre it on themselves:

• "we're so worried about DHs asthma that WE just can't bear it any more, WE are incredibly stressed and upset about it"
• "our friend's little grandson is very unwell, it's so stressful for ALL OF US, we're not sleeping"

The above are a couple of examples! It drives me nuts, because instead of actually dealing with the issue at hand, we're expected to put that on hold, so as to deal with their stress and drama. I tend to ignore as much as possible, or bluntly say "no, this isn't something to fuss about, because..." doesn't always work

My in-laws try this crap when they don’t get their own way, for example when we got married as we’re both atheists we didn’t even contemplate a Church wedding, and we got a call from FIL to say MIL had been up all night crying and couldn’t go into work because she’s so upset we weren’t getting married in a Church. When I pointed out that she’d never been to Church in all the time I’d known her she agreed and said but you have to get married in a Church, it’s normal

Or when I was pregnant I had HG and no matter how many times we explained to them it looks awful and is uncomfortable but it’s not dangerous, there’s nothing we can do and it will go away eventually, it didn’t stop them telling everyone they knew how worried they were, calling daily to ask if I was better yet and saying we should go to the doctor and demand “an injection” to make it stop.

The only way to deal with it is to call them out on how ridiculous they’re being and pointing out that them worrying all night and coming for “chats” isn’t actually helping anyone.