Is DS being a CF?

[MirandaGoshawk]

DS is 26 and lives at home. He works long hours, so I do his washing. His GF is also 26 and lives with her parents. She stays over with DS two or three nights a week. Her socks & undies have appeared in our washing basket a couple of times and I've done them without comment. Now a pair of her trousers have appeared. I mentioned them to DS and said I wasn't happy with extra work drying clothes in this weather. He said to shove them in with his and tumble dry (which I tend to avoid). But the label says no. Anyway today is blowy so I have washed them. AIBU to ask him to get her to take her washing home in future? What if I shrink something?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I used to take in lodgers back in the UK but one of my strict rules was no first-time home leavers, precisely because of this. No chance I, as a live-in landlady, was going to take over the role of mum and do all the fecking cleaning, washing up etc.!

Luckily most of the lodgers I had were quite capable of self-sufficiency.

[whatareyoucooking]

I don't even do my 15yo DS washing

[CheddarGorgeous]

Sorry OP I agree with everyone else. You have raised a man child. Zillions of people work long hours and manage to do their own laundry.

You are setting him up for failure as he'll expect future partners to do all the domestic load.

waits to hear how OP also does all his cooking and sends him to work with a packed lunch box

[messolini9]

OP: Is my DS a CF?
Everyone: Yes!
OP: You judgey sods.

[AriadnesFilament]

If he is being a CF, it’s because you’ve set him up to be by doing all this stuff for him ‘just to look after him’ and ‘just to help him out’ and ‘just because you love him’ - you facilitated, enabled, and nurtured the CFery whereby he doesn’t see he’s doing it, is the point 🤷🏻‍♀️

Complaining about it now, when he’s 26, is a bit too late tbh.

You could have done all the things you’ve done for him but in a different way so that he saw what you were doing all this time and didn’t see it as no big deal, so that when the GF’s knickers and trousers were found on his floor he’d have said “hey mum, is it ok if I pop these in the wash this once? If not, I’ll do them myself at the weekend. I didn’t realise they were there and it’s a bit grim to give them back now. We’ll have a chat about how to organise clothes a bit better next time I see her, don’t worry.”

But you can’t go back in time and bolt that gate now the horse has bolted.

[Nanny0gg]

Why should he do his own laundry? What a waste of resources!

Do the family laundry, yes. Do his own ironing (yes, some people still do that). Do his own folding and putting away. But not just wash a couple of bits on their own.

Does he do anything at all round the home? Change his own bed? Clean his room? Cook? Shop? Clear up? Anything?

[CheddarGorgeous]

At least OP's son isn't handing bags of laundry to female work colleagues

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

I am here all day

Maybe you could use the time spend propping up the 50s stereotype to do something for yourself.

[elessar]

Ha ha this thread is funny. So the GF is not at fault if she doesn't know son is doing it (poor girl, I imagine she would be mortified!), but you're horrified at the suggestion that son should be doing both their washing for them...?

A few pairs of pants and one pair of trousers is ridiculous for you to moan about if you're happy doing all his washing as it is - hanging up one extra pair of trousers is really not work. But by all means tell him he's not to do it, and if he moans then just tell him he can do his own laundry? It's quite simple...

In terms of time to wash - really? How long does washing actually take? For our household of two we do approx 2 clothes washes a week, I would say the sum total of time taken is maybe 30 minutes of hanging up and putting away, and that's for two people.

[starfishmummy]

I have enough washing without adding even a few bits that a CF girlfriend adds. Id just stick them in a bag for her to take home, she'll eventually get the message.

[Booboostwo]

I don’t think you are helping a 26yo by doing their laundry. You are infantilizing him which will make his life harder and co-habiting with someone else more challenging.

[Settlersofcatan]

Why should he do his own laundry? What a waste of resources

I don't get this at all. My DH and I do our own laundry. No resources are wasted, we just wait till we have a full load. Usually once a week, which feels fine. Unless you only own 2 changes of clothes, why would you need to run lots of little loads? How do you think people who live alone do laundry?

[Lunafortheloveogod]

Right it’s up to the OP what she does for her son. Perhaps if he doesn’t get into 7pm he goes for a shower/gym/dinner n all that faff n by the time he’d actually look at doing the washing it’d be 11pm n she’d have to listen to the dryer till 2am.. ours sings when it finishes and I can hear it upstairs. Not to mention it costing extra if he only put on half a load etc.

Just because your kids came out the womb with a feather duster in hand doesn’t mean that everyone else works the same way.

Is there a possibility that the gf’s just forgot to shove them in her bag n assumed she’d pick them up next time.. I’ve done that with knickers, I hardly count my laundry as I put it back into my bag. I wouldn’t expect it washed from anyone, One option could be just leaving her stuff unwashed...

[messolini9]

Right it’s up to the OP what she does for her son.

Of course it is.
But she also posted a thread here expressly to ask "Is DS being a CF?"

• so it's hardly out of line to offer the opinion that's been asked for.
  
  PS He is, & she's enabling him.

[Lynda07]

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Wed 26-Feb-20 14:00:21
Bit CF yes. Maybe you can say knicks yes, anything bigger with a more complicated wash care no?
.......
I would say, "Knicks - no"! What kind of a woman wants another woman washing her knickers? However she shouldn't be leaving any of her laundry behind - could be by mistake though.

[gabsdot45]

My son is 16 and he's been doing his own laundry for several years. I'm mortified for your son having his mother do his laundry and even more mortified for his girlfriend.
A serious talk with both of them is in order.

[momtoboys]

I know I am incredibly prudish but my sons know that when they are adults that there will be no sleepover events with anyone if they are in our house. They can have those relationships when they have their own homes of find a GF/BF that has their own place.

[momtoboys]

Sorry. Hit submit too soon. I would not be doing any of her laundry.

[MummyofTw0]

This isn't a son or girl problem, it's a mum problem.

Why on earth are you doing his washing? He is a grown man. You aren't teaching him to be self sufficient. How will be cope when he moves out? Will he expect his girlfriend to do his washing as you've taught him effectively that washing is a woman's work?

Do you have a daughter out of interest?

[Dontsweatthelittlestuff]

I have two adult sons at home plus one the girlfriend of one of them.
I do all the washing including the girlfriends. Not because my sons are not capable as they are. They covered all the household tasks last year when I was unable for several months.

It is a waste for everyone to do their own half loads plus as I am the only one home during the day it is more efficient for me to get it washed and dry during the day without the need to use the dryer.

I only wash what has been put in the basket in the utility, I don’t iron or put away.

It is hardly a hard or time consuming job. I am not beating the clothes with a rock down by the local river. I load the machine, add powder and turn a knob. An hour later I peg out. Takes no more than 15 minutes of my day.

[BengalGal]

You are training him to be a helpless man child. You are not helping him by doing his washing. It’s good he does things to help out, but that’s normal for a son you have raised even if you were not providing I assume free room and board. By treating him like a child that can’t do domestic duties you are infantilising him and creating yet another hassle for his eventual partner. I make my teen children do their own. It’s time you helped him grow up.

[Rtruth]

How about, stop doing a grown ups washing?

Or increase his rent payments to include washing.

Life lesson learnt!

[Mumgonenuts2020]

Mane she has just forgot is that happening regularly, I visited my then boyfriend now DH I used to take everything back in my overnight bag.. you can always ask her she us as an adult, don’t rely on your son to relay your concerns..

[Rtruth]

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy the days when knickers are torn off and flung across the room, clearly are forgotten memory

[niugboo]

Er why are you doing his?! Don’t do either. They’re grown adults. I’m not surprised she’s dumping her laundry in with his. It’s probably never occurred to her he has his mummy doing his laundry at 26!