To refuse to help my friend with her 'favours'

[isthischeekyfuckeryorwhat]

NC for this

We've been friends for 2 decades. Been through highs and lows of life together. Both have DC. Both LP.

I would say over the last 2 years it's felt a little one sided.

Here goes

I've helped her access financial support for family members and herself. Like supporting with understanding intricate rules, form filling etc. This was successful. Significantly better off financially as a result.

Childcare. Provided before and after school for her DC. Initially no issue but meant that I was tied to the house on an evening given the additional responsibility of another child and couldn't access my usual support from my family due to being tied to the house with DF child. Supermarket run, that sort of thing was impacted. Also have a younger DC and to be honest I'm drained being a LP, especially with a young child, work, etc.

I work PT she works FT. Think that's why I'm go to as I have more spare time. But I also have another younger DC who takes up said spare time.

There are other things that may be outing too.

I don't ask for favours, no babysitting etc apart from one time and DF couldn't do it.

But what bothers me, is that although she says thanks, although more rarely recently, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of as I can't really say no when she knows I'm available. She earns more as she's FT, I'm PT still struggling with childcare costs due to youngest DC and not even offer of a bottle of wine or nice chocolate as a thank you.

AIBU or is my friend a CF and should I pull back from the friendship?

Just say “sorry I can’t anymore, I have my own children and my own job I’m not a free child minder, and you’re taking advantage of it now.”

Good grief. You must have saved her thousands in free childcare with this arrangement if it's been going on a long time.

Drop this cold hearted woman as a friend and stop the childcare immediately. I don't use this word lightly but she's a cunt, I can't believe she actually charged you for the childcare vouchers. She should have been paying you for the childcare you've done, this is way more than what you'd expect of a friend and should have been a financial arrangement from the start.

So cut your losses and move on, she's not a friend. Next time anyone asks you for childcare or other regular favours, don't automatically say yes, but discuss with someone else (or ask the best of vipers on MN!) and work out whether you want to do it and if so what you should charge.

*nest of vipers

“Hey friend

Life is getting kinda busy at the moment and we are taking some time to make plans and regroup as there’s a few changes happening.
It’s been a pleasure to look after Tarquin of late but I’m afraid after this week I can’t continue with the arrangement, just giving you the heads up so you can make alternative plans.
Hope you’re good and obviously we need to get together for a Pinot and pizza when our schedules allow x”

You’ll know probably in the space of one text whether she sees you as friend or babysitter meaning you can choose how to process the matter accordingly.

Ps I can’t imagine
a) asking a mate to look after my kid in the morning. Christ, I can barely deal with them never mind anyone else.
b) doing it on a regular basis again and again, the guilt would savage me

It takes some amount of neck and not giving a a complete fxxk about someone to have received so much free childcare from them AND THEN ask for payment and receive it for a free voucher.

Honestly, I cannot get my head around being treated so appalling......and by a supposedly old friend.

Sorry OP, unbelievable.

The before school childcare is not often to be fair. The after school bit has now stopped, as it was tying me down and I wasn't getting my regular support from family.

I feel much better now I aren't tied. But it was the childcare vouchers that really got me.

I just thought I'd done s log for DF in favours, including odd days of childcare in the holidays. Just thought it would be reciprocated but obviously not.

Thanks for all your views, it's been helpful.

• a lot

CF. Take her child, go and do boring things like grocery shopping with them and put them in charge of keeping yours entertained and quiet while you concentrate. They'll never want to see you again.

OP, you have made a wise move in stopping all the unpaid work you did for her. I think the only problem now is that you realise, with hindsight (because she charged you for the childcare vouchers), that she was ungrateful. Is that right?

If that’s really bugging you, I would tell her you felt a bit hurt by that, given how much money you had saved her over the years. If you’re not that bothered, just leave it.

But definitely don’t provide any more childcare or other favours! She has been taking the piss. You can still enjoy her friendship if you like, but be clear about saying No when you want to. If she drops you, you’re better off without her.

This is the golden opportunity to put your cards on the table. Just text her to say you are very disappointed at having to pay for the childcare vouchers considering how much you have saved her. ... so you won’t be available for childcare anymore.

I would send this.

My neighbour does this shit (I work ft while she works pt). She is single by choice.my automated response is No I am not a childminder and that we are having family time. To add if people do me a favour then I reciprocate with bubbles, play dates during the holidays, have them over for dinner etc. I turn up on time. It can work so long as it isn’t one sided.

Sorry- I can see you have sorted this out and well done for that but I just want to add, whne you say No you do not have to give her a reason. You don't even have to give yourself a reason.
Even if you have the whole day free doesn't mean you need to waste it doing favours for other people.
When i get to this stage with people, I always try to tot up what I do for them and what I get in return, even the smallest consideration can tip it, but if you are getting nothing or feeling used than I would cut it out.

OP, you have made a wise move in stopping all the unpaid work you did for her. I think the only problem now is that you realise, with hindsight (because she charged you for the childcare vouchers), that she was ungrateful. Is that right?

@Thinkingabout1t that's exactly it. It made me realise exactly how one sided it is and actually she's quite mercenary. And that is not a friend.