To refuse to help my friend with her 'favours'

[isthischeekyfuckeryorwhat]

NC for this

We've been friends for 2 decades. Been through highs and lows of life together. Both have DC. Both LP.

I would say over the last 2 years it's felt a little one sided.

Here goes

I've helped her access financial support for family members and herself. Like supporting with understanding intricate rules, form filling etc. This was successful. Significantly better off financially as a result.

Childcare. Provided before and after school for her DC. Initially no issue but meant that I was tied to the house on an evening given the additional responsibility of another child and couldn't access my usual support from my family due to being tied to the house with DF child. Supermarket run, that sort of thing was impacted. Also have a younger DC and to be honest I'm drained being a LP, especially with a young child, work, etc.

I work PT she works FT. Think that's why I'm go to as I have more spare time. But I also have another younger DC who takes up said spare time.

There are other things that may be outing too.

I don't ask for favours, no babysitting etc apart from one time and DF couldn't do it.

But what bothers me, is that although she says thanks, although more rarely recently, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of as I can't really say no when she knows I'm available. She earns more as she's FT, I'm PT still struggling with childcare costs due to youngest DC and not even offer of a bottle of wine or nice chocolate as a thank you.

AIBU or is my friend a CF and should I pull back from the friendship?

OP she's taking the piss, you just got to say nope can't do it. Let her make alternative arrangements.

Make a rule for yourself. For the next three months you will do no before school care. Just decide it in your own head.

Not only that, take it further to repair the friendship. You don't have to be so tired and skint if you use her to take some of the load off you! Ask her to babysit as a regular thing so you can go do a club or gym or course or something. If she won't then you know that your friendship just became a favour free zone.

Make a big list of favours she could do for you and start being more demanding. What do you wish you had help with? You don't have to need the help, just feel it would be more convenient for you if she did stuff for you. So ask.

Surely Year 7 is old enough for the child to spend some time at home on their while their mum is at work? Unless it's all evening but then that shows how much is being put onto you. If I have read it wrong and they are actually 7 years old ignore me!

She was concerned about DD being home alone as her place of work is in another city and sometimes was held up with business calls in other areas so thought It would be beneficial for DC to sit with my DC. Same school year.

But it was additional electricity, heating, food. And I was forfeiting my family support to facilitate this.

OP, I mean it kindly...but you have taught her how to treat you....that is, as a complete mug.

Only you can change this.

Such a shit friend. She's very happy to take full advantage of you. Why on earth does she think that's ok? How does she justify it in her mind?

I have specifically chosen to work locally and PT due to my DC and most of my business calls not hq based work around DC and childcare.
She hasn't done that and has just thought I'd facilitate her work choices along with charging for the privilege. I don't think I can go back to the friendship bring as it was now.

I AM pissed off.

*being

I would just say that you can no longer provide childcare. If she tries to drop off her child in the morning just say no I cant, I'm going to the dentist/not well/shopping/popping to mums/waiting for a phone call etc. Shes earbing more money by using you are free childcare. Yes you are kind but you are being a bit silly and used.

You need to take a step back from the CF Friend. So she passes your house & can see you're in - so what? It doesnt mean you're available.
You work PT she works FT - well that's a decision you've made for your family. If you were happy doing more work (some else childcare is work, even if she doesnt pay you for it) then youd increase your hours.

You seem to feel accountable to this woman and/or that you owe her something. Lose that mindset and put yourself and your children first.

I cannot believe she took payment for the childcare vouchers. She should have given them to you as a thank you for all of the childcare you gave her. Especially as they were useless to her. Effectively she mismanaged her voucher purchases and made you pay for her mistake.

If she wants her ds looked after, she needs to reevaluate her decisions. It would be a firm no from now on for me.

I wouldn’t call this person a friend.Do you ever meet her socially?

Claw your time back OP and say no to her if it’s inconvenient to you(and it is).
Her lack of childcare is not your problem.

You had to pay her for the vouchers

Are you still paying the vouchers?

If she comments on your lack of availability say something like "I am protecting my time much more carefully. You know, I am sacrificing a lot in wages to be part time. I feel the need to maximise my quality time or I might as well go back to work FT.

this is perfect, at the end of the day you have decided for the sake of your DC to work part time, sacrificing salary to do that, by looking after someone elses child you are not getting the time with your children. Good luck, as a people pleaser I know how hard it is to say no

I cannot believe she took payment for the childcare vouchers. She should have given them to you as a thank you for all of the childcare you gave her. Especially as they were useless to her. Effectively she mismanaged her voucher purchases and made you pay for her mistake.

This what's spurred me on to write the thread. She asked me for the final instalment in a very indirect pushy manner as she was skint.

Well so was I. But I paid it.

I can't really say no when she knows I'm available

Being available doesn't mean you can't say no. Please do so from now on

It’s not a friendship is it, it’s just some woman scamming someone she knows, who cares if she knows you’re at home? It’s none of her business, say nah
When she next wants free services from you just say ‘I can’t provide any childcare anymore. Are you free on the 16th for a coffee in the CheekyBastard cafe?’ If she’s a wonderful person and worth having an actual friendship with, just bring it back to that, no services given. Otherwise she’s making a complete dick of you. People who choose to have a kid are the ones solely responsible for the kid, the other parent, relatives or paid childcare are her options, nothing to do with you, remove yourself from being used as labour.

Tell her you’ve decided to go FTE by adding a part time childminding business to your portfolio then present her with a contract and bill for deposit and first month’s booking 😉

Or...what everyone else and your brain said.

Jesus Christ - another one here who can’t believe she didn’t just offer you the vouchers as a ‘thank you’!

I would just say I can’t, I’m tired.

She is taking advantage, but to be honest, you're letting her do it?

Not everyone plays fair. Or rather, not everyone has the same idea of what "fair" entails.

Folk take the piss with people who don't set their boundaries firmly in place. Work on that and you'll be happier.

Might be helpful

Good luck

You have more time than her and she has more money. She's not entitled to your free time any more than you're entitled to her extra money. Would you feel comfortable telling her to throw you £100 since you know she has it sitting in her account? If not she shouldn't feel entitled to demand your free time.

If you are prepared to end the friendship then you could explain to her that her request for payment for the vouchers after all the free childcare you have given her has made you realise how one sided the favours and friendship are and you’re taking a step back. Tell her clearly not to ask you for childcare favours from now on, even in an emergency, as the answer will be no. That will save you from feeling put on the spot if she asks again because you’ve clearly told her no.

I would also do this all over text because I am a wimp.

This is the golden opportunity to put your cards on the table. Just text her to say you are very disappointed at having to pay for the childcare vouchers considering how much you have saved her. And also you are finding the mornings too stressful so you won’t be available for childcare anymore. Have some stock phrases ready in case she puts you on the spot. If she always texts you in the morning just switch your phone off.