To refuse to help my friend with her 'favours'

[isthischeekyfuckeryorwhat]

NC for this

We've been friends for 2 decades. Been through highs and lows of life together. Both have DC. Both LP.

I would say over the last 2 years it's felt a little one sided.

Here goes

I've helped her access financial support for family members and herself. Like supporting with understanding intricate rules, form filling etc. This was successful. Significantly better off financially as a result.

Childcare. Provided before and after school for her DC. Initially no issue but meant that I was tied to the house on an evening given the additional responsibility of another child and couldn't access my usual support from my family due to being tied to the house with DF child. Supermarket run, that sort of thing was impacted. Also have a younger DC and to be honest I'm drained being a LP, especially with a young child, work, etc.

I work PT she works FT. Think that's why I'm go to as I have more spare time. But I also have another younger DC who takes up said spare time.

There are other things that may be outing too.

I don't ask for favours, no babysitting etc apart from one time and DF couldn't do it.

But what bothers me, is that although she says thanks, although more rarely recently, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of as I can't really say no when she knows I'm available. She earns more as she's FT, I'm PT still struggling with childcare costs due to youngest DC and not even offer of a bottle of wine or nice chocolate as a thank you.

AIBU or is my friend a CF and should I pull back from the friendship?

Say your studying for something or have a new exercise regime if you need an excuse. Sorry as of X i am busy in the mornings.

NAH OP I think it’s a little one sided. I do think however you need to open your mouth and say so. Don’t end the friendship of 20 years over this without saying anything.

The vouchers thing was a little cheeky though. I’m assuming OP gets the vouchers free ? I’m not sure how it all works.

How much were the vouchers worth ?

Why do you need to pay her back if she’s not paying childcare because your doing it for her for free ?

Just say you're wiped, struggling in your own life with all your responsibilities at the moment, and can't take on hers any more. You're done.

I can't really say no
Thats what you need to work on, and you need to learn to say 'no' before you snap and lose your temper.

You can say no, but you choose not to. Do you know why? do you believe its a rude word? Are you worried about peoples reaction, or what they will think of you?
How far are you prepared to let other people go before you start being kind to yourself and put some boundaries in place?

I was there OP.
I had to drop my CF friend in the end. Too many after school , half term , inset day child minding.
She once asked me to mind her 16 month old. I didn’t want to but she pleaded. I said to bring him round at 8am as it would be after breakfast. She said she’d pick him up at 11am after plumber had been.
Her husband dropped him off at around 7.15 and said he was grateful as he could go home to have “a leisurely breakfast!!! Child hadn’t eaten breakfast.
Child STANK of shit... like overnight shit. So I had to clean him . They said everything was in his bag. No spare nappies or wipes in his bag.
Dad said food was in his bag. ( No food in his bag just a packet of nappy sacks and toys he wouldn’t play with!) He screamed and cried the whole time. I kept phoning but no answer. Mum , eventually picked him up at around 4 pm. She said she’d had a lovely day and hoped that her child was ok. She said that plumber left quite quickly but thought that I wouldn’t mind caring for her son and that she’d had a lovely time with her husband and went out to lunch.
I wish that I could say that was the last time , but it wasn’t . I’m a great mug but I dropped her not too long after.

*The vouchers thing was a little cheeky though. I’m assuming OP gets the vouchers free ? I’m not sure how it all works.

How much were the vouchers worth ?

Why do you need to pay her back if she’s not paying childcare because your doing it for her for free ?*

The vouchers are tax free contributions she's made but didn't use up before her DC left primary so in effect they weren't free and were a few hundred pounds.

But I don't think I would have charged me full whack for them. I'd have offered half price or something given all I've done.

Christ almighty op she’s walking all over you and you are lying down for her to do it.
Who cares if she knows your in doing nothing.

It's a piss take isn't it? Im a fucking walk over!

But I'm a descent person and friend and thought she was too. But yeah I've been taken advantage of.

Wake up OP! You are sacrificing a part of your salary to serve her! She is USING YOU big time!! Wake up!!
Next time, just politely tell her “sorry Hun, can’t do it today” or something. Don’t offer any explanation.

@1Morewineplease that's an absolute piss take.

Glad you've binned her off.

You don’t have to be confrontational or even talk to her about it. If you “cannot say no”, you are way too nice and you cannot take it up with her. Let it be. Don’t worry about what happened. But from now on, send “sorry Hun, can’t help today” for everything. If she asks “why?” - just don’t reply.

Oh for goodness sake OP.
After all you have done for her, she took payment.
After all the free childcare.

She is a CF and you are a mug.

No apology. Send a text if it's easier.

"Hi CF, just to let you know I am exhausted from everything that I have going on and won't be able to do any favours for you as I really need to mind myself". End of.

No apology.
She is not your friend.
Friends don't use each other like that.

Wishing you well.

And I've seen the looks she gives when I say that working FT just isn't worth it right now due to childcare.

The look of "you're stupid as in the long run it will pay off" but doesn't say it. All while I'm facilitating her FT.

Pick up the phone, say ''this no longer works for me so you need to make alternative arrangements straight away'', and when she complains that she is losing her childcare and cashpoint repeat ''there's nothing to discuss, I am no longer available''.

@ 1Morewineplease Thats crazy! What a cheeky b !!

I've stopped the after school but now. I think she knows it was too much.

It's just the random before school "favours" I need to get assertive about.

She text in half term and I was thinking here we go!! No favour was requested, thankfully.

So what’s the next thing you are meant to help her with and mnetters can help you get out of it

Surely Year 7 is old enough for the child to spend some time at home on their while their mum is at work? Unless it's all evening but then that shows how much is being put onto you. If I have read it wrong and they are actually 7 years old ignore me!

I think everyone knows someone who takes the piss with childcare. One of DS's friend's mum always forgets when it's inset day, has a hospital appointment but doesn't think to organise childcare until the evening before etc and will facebook, whatsapp and text me all at once to ask for help.

I have started saying no more often now and have had genuine reasons most of the time but I still feel guilty about it. It's hard but gets easier over time. Good luck!

So what’s the next thing you are meant to help her with and mnetters can help you get out of it

Nothing at the moment. The requests are as hoc.

I wanted clarification on whether the situation has been a piss take or not. It has according to MN.

And tbh I've been feeling really resentful about it recently, realising I've been taken for a mug. Being tired and skint has probably fuelled it too.

The length of the friendship is a bit of a non-issue, imo. If taking care of yourself and not being taken advantage of is enough to kill a so-called friendship, it's hardly worth having, no matter how many years you've known someone.

You don't have to have a long conversation about it, if you'd rather not. You can just tell her you need more time for yourself and your family, have a lot going on at the moment, etc. and aren't able to do XYZ. You don't owe her an excuse or a detailed explanation. Your time is your own, and if she can't understand that, she's not worth worrying about. On the other hand, maybe she'll realise she's been asking too much and gracefully back off from all the favour-asking.

After understanding the childcare vouchers - I still think she’s a cheeky f*cker. With all the money she has saved in childcare - you mean to tell me she couldn’t help you out; just once ??

Nahh

From now on - just say no. No explanation. Just ‘No, I’m busy’

Just smile sweetly and say "No I cant sorry" .If she asks why just say you are too tied up IE cant get to supermarket etc . Some people are real CFs !

I think I'm the same I get walked over abit too.

But remember we only get walked over if we allow ourselves too.
One of my friends is so blunt and she never got walked over, she use to say it how it was, I use to think wish I could be like that!

Then I thought I can be like that!!!

I remember once a so called friend.
We use to go out at weekends see each other quite a lot I use to pick her up etc etc.

Then I remember once we were round her sisters and my car was in for MOT, i knew she was passing my house on her way home, I asked if she could drop me off on her way? She actually said no I'm not going that way home tonight , she actually went out of her way to not stop me off!!
I dnt see her anymore but I will never forget it.
I done so much for her as well.
I'm too soft but I am trying to harden up

Writing that has wound me up!!
How bloody dare she not drop me off