AIBU to think she shouldn’t have manhandled my child.

[TheNightKing]

Picked up DS2 from preschool. He started throwing a bit of a tantrum about a lost glove. He then ran into their staff room, away from me. I was half way across the staff room about to get him out myself when the nursery manager grabbed him by the top of his arm and dragged him out. I am fuming but don’t know if my feelings are coloured by my dislike of the women (I find her to very rude and abrupt in general) and the fact I’m not in my usual state of mind (depression). So AIBU or not? Please be kind, I’m struggling at the moment as it is hence why I’m asking to see if my reaction is justified.

@Shookethtothecore @Soubriquet @OhCaptain @MidniteMessenger thank you. Message left with doctors that I need an appointment.

@ConkerGame @Bluetrews25 thanks for the recommendations re: CBT. I will look into it now.

I don't like the way you described how she handled yours DS

grabbed him by the top of his arm and dragged him out

YANBU to not like this but I don't know what to do about it now. Just keep your eye on her. Small children especially shouldn't be pulled by their arm if it can be helped.

Good luck getting help for yourself too, you can do it!

Another one wishing you luck. I’m on a low dose of Prozac and it’s been life changing.

I think she probably wanted to send a message to both him and you that neither of you shouldn’t be in the teachers’ private area. There may have been confidential documents out or hot tea/coffee.

TBH if my DS was being naughty and running around a staffroom I would expect him to be frogmarched out. It sounds like it was handled appropriately IMO. Did you apologise to the teacher?

Yanbu

It was the staff room not crack den. You can remove a child gently and say no without being rough.

Ok he shouldn't have gone in there but he was an upset child and they sometimes do things they shouldn't when they are mid tantrum.

Depression or not, rest assured this isn't an appropriate way to handle a child. I would be telling them my child is not to be dealt with in this way again unless they have literally lurched forward in front of a moving vehicle or something.

my mum had a nervous breakdown about 25 years ago. They put her on antidepressants and she said she felt “spaced out” and “like a zombie”. It’s definitely affected my feelings on antidepressants.

I'm sorry about your mum & also your present difficulties OP.
But really - you must get over your feelings about antidepressants.
Medicine & mental health awareness have developed over 25 years. There are many different types of antidepressants, you won't simply be prescribed a "one-size fits all."

Your GP will work with you to find a course of treatment that works specifically for you. The more help you accept for your depression, the more you will find that services open up to you - you will be able to access counselling, & find a type that suits you.

To deny yourself the assistance that you need purely because your mum had a negative reaction to a presription 25 years ago is ... possibly even a symptom of your depression. Will you please do yourself a favour, put yourself back into the hands of your GP, & start taking all the help you can get?

@messolini9 I’ve got a GP appointment booked for later today. Thank you.

Well done OP, it's the first step, be proud of that x

I think yabu. You sound like you were embarrassed by the situation and maybe as a result over sensitive. With regards to antidepressants, your mum is not you! Just because she reacted by feeling spaced on antidepressants doesn't mean you will, if a gp considers that they will help you they will monitor you to work on finding a dosage that helps you. I would make an appointment just to at least talk about how you feel and see if counselling or drug therapy would help. Hope things go well for you. X

How did you respond when he "started having a bit of a tantrum" about the glove? If staff thought you weren't responding to that situation I can understand it if they took over the matter when your child ran away from you into a private area of the nursery. Bearing in mind a staffroom could have kettles, hot drinks, food, sharp items such as craft knives or scissors, breakable items, personal belongings etc which they would not want your child to be in contact with.

I agree with @GinDrinker00 no need for her to be rough or man handle him

Well we don’t know that this actually happened do we? As the only account we have is from OP who is viewing this through her state of depression.

When you have to suddenly catch hold of a darting toddler on the wing, the natural place to grab them is exactly where this person did. You then keep hold of the bit you've grabbed because if you try to change, they wriggle out of your grasp and dash off again. YABU.

Medicine has changed so much in twenty five years, then putting folks on Valium was often the answer. Now they are reticent to even prescribe it, which shows how the world has moved on.

One in every six people are long term users of anti depressants, which tells you something about their ability, you don’t see one in six adults walking around like a zombie or spaced out.

If you get something that doesn’t work for you, then you stop taking them and try something else, but that’s not likely.

Finding the right medication and treatment for you is what it’s all about, you don’t need to live your life suffering. It’s just an illness, like chicken pox or some other illness, get treatment, get it sorted move on.

Good luck tomorrow,💐

Had he run across the private staff area and knocked someone's coffee over, scalding himself, where would the blame lie then? I think I can guess who you would be here, blaming.

I sympathise completely. I nearly burst into tears over a perceived slight against my son at a playgroup.

I was really low at the time and I can see now I was viewing through the lens of mild depression.

I hope your appointment goes well.

Also the nursery manager may have a brusque manner. It's ok to not like it.

I believe YANBU If you were that close to DS then I think she over reacted and I would be cross as well.

@mrsBtheparkerno you can’t guess. It would be entirely his own fault. Thanks for paying attention to the fact that I had asked people to be gentle with me as I am currently suffering with depression and just wanted to know if I had misjudged the situation.

Antidepressants can indeed have a catastrophic impact and a collective letter from psychiatrists was written last year asking for this to be recognised. It made the headlines. You are right to be aware of the drawbacks and risks associated with coming off them, although this doesn't mean they wouldn't help you.

Regarding the incident, she sounds like she was being a bit of a cow. How hard would it be to respond pleasantly. My only thought is perhaps she was concerned there was hot coffee in the room and it would be on her head if someone was hurt. But still, there's a way to do these things.

@viques she had already seen me remove him from the classroom and talking to him outside in the hall area. She also saw me following him into the staff room and that I was just two steps away from him which I have already said several times. So, yes, I was dealing with it and she was fully aware that I was.

I wouldn’t be happy if someone grabbed my child (who is also preschool age) and dragged them out of a room. If it was me I’d have turned the child around and led them out from behind to escort them out the room telling them they weren’t allowed in there. No one should be grabbing anyone, unless they are about to run into the road or something similar. I’d have said something personally if it is as rough as I’m imagining from your description.

@TheNightKing - just remember that the staff there also have a duty of care over your child while he is on the premises - it is best for them to not "assume" you have the situation under control if the child ever appears to be at risk. It's not a criticism of you at all, and so don't let your depression tell you that it is. It's just their job.

I understand though how some days all you can see are the negatives. Take care of yourself!

TheNightKing just because you're depressed doesn't mean this incident didn't happen as you saw it. The manager is already on your radar for being a cow.

Keep an eye on her and in future if anyone handles or treats your child in a way you don't like you are completely within your rights to tell them to stop. No need to be rude or escalate the situation, just tell them no.

Oh well done for making the GP appointment OP.
It's time to trust that you deserve to get better, & a professional medical team will help you with that feeling too!

Op I hope you get the help you ask for first step is always the hardest you are very brave !@TheNightKing

To me it seems like your dislike of her. She's not some random stranger and he needs to know that his behaviour is not going to be accepted.