AIBU to think she shouldn’t have manhandled my child.

[TheNightKing]

Picked up DS2 from preschool. He started throwing a bit of a tantrum about a lost glove. He then ran into their staff room, away from me. I was half way across the staff room about to get him out myself when the nursery manager grabbed him by the top of his arm and dragged him out. I am fuming but don’t know if my feelings are coloured by my dislike of the women (I find her to very rude and abrupt in general) and the fact I’m not in my usual state of mind (depression). So AIBU or not? Please be kind, I’m struggling at the moment as it is hence why I’m asking to see if my reaction is justified.

Oh @TheNightKing they’ve come on so much in 25 years! Honestly!!

A low dose wouldn’t make you feel spaced out at all!!

I say this gently OP but I think you're being unreasonable. If you're not actually bothered by what she did but more so that she didn't wait for you to do it then I think you should let this go.

He was somewhere he wasn't supposed to be in his preschool and as such, the nursery manager dealt with it. These are people you leave to look after your son whilst he is there, you do have to allow them some form of authority over him whilst he is on the premises else it just doesn't work.

I understand you were right there but obviously she was closer and took it upon herself to deal with the situation. I don't think she was wrong.

This isn't a hill I'd be willing to die on personally.

And re ADs, I was on low dose sertraline. I felt a bit 'wired' for a couple of days and then it went and then I felt fine. I'd speak to your GP, don't just rule it out, speak to them, they may be able to find something that suits you.

I think YABU. She's not a stranger, she's a childcare professional who knows your son. It's part of her job to prevent the children from going into places they shouldn't. She doesn't need to wait for you to act when she's right there to do it.

Perhaps she was firmer than you would have been, sometimes that’s enough to snap a tantruming child out of it or just another person intervening. I don’t think she was in the wrong their could have been hot coffee etc in there so making sure he knew it was a no go wasn’t a bad thing. Is your child injured or has bruises?

I had bad depression when my older children were small and I felt every negative thing said about my kids 100x more than I would now for example. I took it to heart, I felt horrible and a bad parent and I cried a lot.
I also accepted help, there are other places than your gp that can help, numbers you can ring to talk to someone and meds do help, I felt they numbed me to begin with but that’s what they need to do to make you better. I also joined a gym and that really helped. I didn’t have many friends in the area so was lonely too. It’s hard being a young mum when you feel isolated and depressed and you don’t know who can help. Try a different gp/health visitor/nurse? Some hv have staff nurses attached or nursery nurses. You need to get better for the sake of yourself and your son. It’s hard and it’s a long long road but you’ll feel the benefits even if you just start small and work your way up to speaking to someone writing it down here helps too. Lots of people who are similar or can give good and sound advice or a shoulder to cry on almost.
Take care of yourself, I’m now 42 had 2 more children life isn’t always rosy but compared to where I was 13 years ago it’s much better and I know how to help myself or who I can speak to if things aren’t going so well.
I hope you’ll find that too

I don't think it was unreasonable of her to physically remove him. That's going to be happening through out the day anyway if a child is doing something dangerous. She may have been too rough with him but it's hard to picture from your description.

She works in an environment with young children, she probably just acted on instinct, she sees a child doing something they shouldn’t and just deals with it.

Anti depressants have changed a lot over the past 25 years, don’t struggle unnecessarily because of one view from many years ago.

I think yabu. I think it’s important for children to learn acceptable behaviour from different adults in different situations and the teacher behaved appropriately. “It takes a village” and all that. I have no issue in a teacher/coach/other parent showing my children the correct way to behave when and if the situation arises

OP - seriously - there are so many kinds of ADs.

I've been on various ones. Some have made me feel spaced out but most haven't.

Until you try them you won't know. Everyone is different.

They have definitely helped me. I do suggest you at least give them a go.

"Don't be so sensitive. He wasn't hurt, what's the issue?"

Yes, this^^

YANBU. Nobody would like to be grabbed by their arms and DRAGGED out of a room, why should it be okay for a child to be treated like that?

YABVU about the anti depressants. You are not your mum and this is not 25 years ago. Medication is not always the answer, but it is often part on an answer. The best counselling in the world wont help if you are too ill to respond.

It depends on what the risks were and how she moved him.

I used to work with SLD kids and it is a bit of an instinct to protect them that takes over. Could have been knives, hot drinks, leads across the floor that could bring down a laptop etc on top of him in there.

I think you'll find that adults that throw tantrums and enter restricted areas are often manhandled too Gin. Try it sometime.

Ok, I accept that my judgement is off and IABU.

Thanks to all those giving advice with regards to my depression. I deeply appreciate it and I am going to seek some help. The kind, gentle responses were just what I needed. I was kidding myself into believing that I was “handling” my depression but the reality is that I’m not and need the outside help.

@TheNightKing well done for realising and getting help- it really is very brave and will change your life for the better. Good luck x

I’m glad you’re going to see the doctor about anti depressants

I’ve been on and off then for 12 years and honestly couldn’t cope without them

They definitely do not make me feel spaced out

It’s so brave of you to realise it @TheNightKing - it’s not an easy thing to accept sometimes.

But your life will be so much better even two weeks from now!

OP with respect you need to listen to your GP regarding your Depression before it completely takes over. AD are there to help, please do not dismiss the idea, they are lifesaver.

OP I get what you mean about ADs. I found self-help books for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy worked best for me. As well as drastically cutting down on sugar and upping my exercise (I didn’t have weight issues, they just seem to improve my mental state)

I agree with @GinDrinker00 no need for her to be rough or man handle him

Hi TheNightKing, I hope you feel more like yourself sometime soon.
Mind Over Mood is a good CBT workbook that I think you can still get. CBT works better if you actually do the written exercises, (repeatedly) don't just read about them.