AIBU to feel like a failure for giving up breastfeeding?

[Dennisreynoldsduster]

My post isn’t intended to offend anyone who didn’t breast feed or gave up breast feeding, it’s purely my own feelings...

We had a tough breast feeding journey. He didn’t gain weight for a while so we were pressured to introduce formula top ups - in my anxious, hormonal state I just went along with it without much thought and he gained really well.

He developed reflux around the same time, and we had a few bad weeks where he just wouldn’t settle, was rigid and stiff and distressed after feeding, constant hiccups, arched back etc, throwing head back, all the classic signs. We ended up in A&E because of his breathing which I didn’t realise could be a symptom of reflux and we were given gaviscon.
Didn’t really work but I discovered anti reflux formula which really really helped. Because it helped so much I ended up breast feeding him less, but always offering the breast first followed by the formula

We realised pretty quickly that breast feeding made the reflux symptoms worse :( which makes me feel terrible as surely it should be the most natural and therefore best for him?

Recently he’s been really settled and I wanted to try and up my dwindling supply so I can get breast feed him more as I was hoping the reflux had settled a bit, I’ve been taking supplements and drinking special tea and over the last two days I was able to breast feed him a bit more...

Only for him to be in a terrible state - back to all the reflux symptoms, crying, curling into a little tense ball, unable to sleep or settle.. it was horrible and even more so to feel like I had done it to him.

So I think I’ve come to my breast feeding journey. Have tried starting to eliminate things but I can’t bear for him to be in such discomfort while I try and work it out. I thought it could be dairy initially but he’s better on the formula so doesn’t make any sense

Doctor wasn’t that interested at his 8 week check she just said they grow out of most digestive issues like this - she wasn’t particularly interested in helping me get breast feeding going again which I do understand isn’t her job.

I did see a lactation consultant and she advised giving up the formula and just breast feeding to get my supply up and then working on eliminating foods week by week to see what it is that’s irritating the reflux - but that could be weeks!

Sorry for the essay, I’m feeling really rubbish about it. All my friends have managed it well, none of them have problems with their babies being affected negatively by their milk... it’s just made me feel a bit low.

I didn’t expect to feel so emotional about it but when I see him rooting around my chest it makes me want to cry now!

Sorry for the essay, I guess I just wanted to get it all off my chest (excuse the unintentional pun!)

Wow I didn’t mean for that to be so long, sorry

Logically, YABU. As long as your baby is cared for and fed, how you feed him doesn’t matter for a moment.

But breastfeeding is a topic I had absolutely no logic on. So YANBU at all for feeling like that, even if it is somewhat irrational.

Whatever you decide, you are doing amazingly well!

You are not being unreasonable

I'm up feeding my 6 day old DD reading your post and it sounds so similar to how I felt a couple days ago. I wanted so badly to EBF her, I thought it was going well, but at 3 days old she had lost 12.5% and we got readmitted to hospital and put on formula top ups. I was absolutely devastated, felt like I had failed her and failed at breastfeeding.
She's now gained weight and back home but we're also dealing with reflux issues now, it doesn't seem to be as bad as what you're going through though.
I know how awful it feels, and other people don't seem to understand that feeling of 'failure', where other people seem to manage it with no problems. It probably won't stop you feeling like that, but honestly you sound like you've tried so hard and it's no failure on your part if things don't work out like you wanted. I know it doesn't seem fair but if you decide in the end that your baby is just happier on formula, then that's no failure, you're just doing what you know is best for your baby (I'm writing this partly to you and partly to myself as I don't always take my own advice! )
At the end of the day, before you know it your baby will be all grown up and how they were fed will likely have made no difference, but I know it's tough right now, just be kind to yourself, you're doing all you can x

You're only being unreasonable for thinking you have failed. It sounds like you have had a really rough time and have put a lot of effort into helping your baby. My advice is to try and recognise when you want to follow a course of action because YOU think it's right for you and baby, or what you think others expect. Definitely follow your own instincts, you are the mum and you sound like a brilliant one!

Thank you. I’ve been really taken by surprised at how emotional I feel about it. I didn’t think I was that fussed about breast feeding when I was pregnant.

His reflux has really settled on the formula - he still has wind issues, but it’s so clearly worse when I breast feed him :(

And yes that feeling of failure is so hard to explain because logically I know I’m not a failure but it’s just the feeling that I can shift. I’m envious of my friends who are managing well, and I know I’m going to miss the connection of feeding him even though I can still connect with him when formula feeding, I’m not really articulating what I mean very well

Posted too soon - sorry to hear you’ve had problems too @UterusesBeforeDuderuses

Be kind to yourself. BFing is hard as I have found out ........... currently trying to feed my 12 day old hence up at stupid hour on MN. We're also giving formula as a top up when she is cranky after a BFing session which is usually twice in a 24 hour period and during night feeds. She also lost too much of her birth weight so needed to give formula top ups as my milk supply was slow to come in. Mine is a supply issue still though. Don't beat yourself up about it, there's so much pressure on mums to be perfect at getting by with little sleep and EBF but reality is many find it difficult and babies lose too much weight so a plan of sorts need to base out in place so baby remains healthy. Do you have a BFing support service at your local NHS trust, mine does and they're being really supportive. I hope you can find something that works for you and your DS.

I do think YABU for being bothered about quitting breastfeeding when it’s the thing that is best for your baby. I recently quit with my second because she simply prefers a bottle - we tried breastfeeding for as long as we could and she is just happier, more full and comfortable after formula. Oh well! She’s healthy, she’s fed - how can I complain? It’s not about me, it’s about what is best for the baby. But there is a lot of pressure in the media for mums to breastfeed exclusively at all costs - I personally don’t feel it’s necessary but did with DC1 for as long as possible as it was convenient and suited him. But I just think - it’s not the end of the world to not breastfeed. My mum didn’t breastfeed me or any of my siblings at all - it was a decision she made - and we are all (and always have been!) strong and healthy. There’s lots of obstacles you’ll face as a mum, dwelling on something unimportant because it sort of bruises your ego as a mum (I don’t mean that in a harsh way) isn’t worth it.

Sorry meant to add that you are not a failure!

Don't beat yourself up. You can stop at any given time. You are doing the right thing. You know your son, what he has been through, you are the best person to judge what is best for him right now, you have advice from the right persons. Don't compare yourself to others, in your shoes perhaps they would have lasted an hour.
You are doing well : your child is gaining weight. As he grows bigger he will have less reflux hopefully.
Mix is working. You can continue that until it's stops. You can do formula only. You are not a failure. I know of moms who breastfed for only a month, one of my collegue only once, and they are filled with pride that they did it. They rave about the bonding moments of feeding that they enjoy no more. - All teenagers now those babies. There is so much more to it then the breast or the bottle. Be proud.

As long as you're feeding your baby then you're doing a great job. It doesnt matter if it's formula or breast milk.
Have you tried expressing and then giving the milk to the baby? Maybe the breastfeeding position makes the reflux worse!?

But dont worry, in a few months he'll be on solid food and the way you initially fed him will really not matter.

Good luck!

@Poorolddaddypig you’re absolutely right, I am feeling sorry for me because I don’t want to lose
the experience if that makes sense.

I’m having trouble expressing unfortunately I think because my supply is dwindling. I was going to start pumping more today but DS was so unsettled and clingy it was impossible.

Thanks for all your kind words

It doesn't have to be one without the other, mix feeding can work well for people and can even help you to eventually get back to ebf, if that's what you want to do. It does sound like your baby may be reacting to something I'm your breast milk, probably cow's milk and often soya goes along with that. If you were to exclude these you would hopefully see a difference when bf after a few days to a few weeks.

Reflux isn't a disease its a symptom and often allergy is cause of that. The formula you've been given probably helps to minimise the reflux which is why baby will seem better on it. Excluding the allergen from your diet should help baby have less reflux when bf but also gp should be prescribing ranitidine or similar to help to control the reflux when bf.

There's nothing wrong with stopping bf if that's what you want to do, but it does not sound like you want to in which case trying the exclusion diet may help you to be able to continue. My baby's symptoms resolved within 3 days of cutting out soya and dairy. There is a brilliant website on cow's milk allergy I'm babies whjcb has lots of advice to help, plus resources such as kellymom and the breastfeeding network are brilliant for bf advice.

I found gp was pretty useless when I said I thought my baby had cow milk allergies, I got a lot better support from a lactation consultant. If you do exclude dairy when bf you need to take a calcium and vitamin d supplement. But the actual exclusion isn't nearly as difficult as you might expect I've found it a lot easier than I thought it would be.

If you don't want to stop bf you don't have to, but if you do feel ready then please don't feel bad - you've done so well in very difficult circumstances and your baby is loved and cared for. Be kind to yourself.

Do you have any bf support groups in your area? Often getting to one and speaking to other bf mums or a peer supporter can be invaluable. I do think if you want to keep going you can get through this, it's just tough when you're in the thick of it and your baby seems so sore. I was despairing but a week after excluding dairy my baby was completely calm, nappies back to normal and eczema gone.

If you want to continue all the best. There are not a lot of threads about it out there, but weaning was a VERY emotional moment for me. And I was not the only mum. I can't quite explain. I get this 100%. If you are not ready don't quit.

This is probably a silly question, but does formula have cows milk in it?
He’s got some dry skin like eczema as well which also made me think dairy allergy or some kind of allergy, but the fact he’s a bit better on formula has confused me.

I’m happy to exclude, but I don’t think I have enough supply to keep going now :-/ he’s only on for about five minutes before he gets agitated, tugging at the nipple and crying and lactation consultant said that’s because he’s not getting the milk as quickly or as much as he wants

I get it.

But honestly, 14 years later it isn't even on my radar. I actually think, in the grand scheme of things for me (and for most people who live in developed countries who have formula fed and have done a pretty good job of feeding their kids a nutritious and balanced diet well into their teens and ensuring that they get enough exercise, are educated, and vaccinated) it makes not one jot of difference.

When it DOES work. It is quite lovely. I fed my next babies until they were over two and loved every minute of it. But I don't for one second think they are healthier than they might have been because of it. For the reasons I mentioned in my last post.

I felt this way with dc1. As if bf was my first test of motherhood and you're trying your hardest but somehow failing, which is unfair so you rage at the unfairness but there's no one to feel angry with but the baby, which isn't right so maybe (I said to myself at the time) you're not trying hard or being a good mother... you go round in circles.

It's unfair. Babies are unfair. Some people get ones who sleep easily and feed easily and are all cuteness and giggles, some get one that are much harder work. It's the luck of the draw, it doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.

Emily Oster's book crib sheet has a good chapter on the actual evidence-backed benefits of breastfeeding. It's the best for your baby but not by much. Like preventing a cold or two in the first years, that's it.

If it works for you and helps you bond then good, but if it doesn't then don't stress. Your baby will be fine either way. She just wants you, preferably not in a state of massive anxiety. Feed her whatever way works, be kind to yourself and remember everyone stops breastfeeding eventually - in six months this will all seem like a lot of distant fuss.

You said baby is fussy after a while possibly due to not getting enough milk - try breast compressions & switch feeding to increase your supply (if you don't already).
Also babies can just be fussy at the breast, I was paranoid about low supply (we had to top up with formula at the start as my supply was late coming in) - i found it hard to tell if baby was just fussy or actually not getting enough but you just need to keep an eye on wet/dirty nappies.

your baby is fed, loved and cared for. there is nothing to feel guilty about. you are doing brilliantly because you have been able to closely observe what makes your baby unwell and what helps, and have adapted flexibly to maximise your baby's wellbeing. that is good parenting, well done. you are ok.

from an evolutionary biology standpoint, human babies are born far too early. gestation should be around 12-15 months but our big brains and smaller hips that are adapted for walking on our hind legs means that we evolved minimally short gestation to get the babies out while they are still tiny. so the digestive system of a baby less than 6 months old is not really developed enough compared to other newborn mammals, and we have a lot more problems. some babies have more problems than others and for two hundred of thousand of years of human history some babies would just be unable to get the nutrition they need from their milk and would fail to thrive and would die - infant mortality used to be horrifically high for this and many other reasons. now in modern times thanks to the miracles of science we have so many other options and a baby who in a previous century might not have thrived can be fed, and can be safe. this is only a good thing. rejoice and be thankful that your baby is well. your guilt is misplaced.

I’ve been really taken by surprised at how emotional I feel about it. I didn’t think I was that fussed about breast feeding when I was pregnant.

I was exactly the same. I had to take a break a few days in with my baby as we’d had some trouble finding our latch mojo and I was in so much pain. I spent the whole day in tears. Even now, although e we only give DS formula every now and then I still hate doing it!

I’m no expert but I doubt that drinking any kind of tea is going to affect your supply. I don’t have anything to suggest except to point you in the direction of the Breastfeeding Support and Information UK Facebook group. The admins on there are trained in breastfeeding support and will be able to give you some advice. I do hope you manage to persevere but if you don’t, try not to judge yourself over it.

You are NOT a "failure"! You've done your best and formula is better now than it ever has been.

The guilt over it all has only just started to fade for me, and DS is 3! It’s a weird, weird thing - the pressure we put ourselves under. For us, even after weeks of trying, we just couldn’t get breastfeeding right, and it had got to the point where DS would scream hysterically in rage anytime I was near him. Then I got such bad mastitis I couldn’t even pick him up, and I still gave myself a horrific guilt trip over it. Breast isn’t best in every case and it’s clearly not in your case so you need to do what’s right for you and for your baby.