AIBU to feel like a failure for giving up breastfeeding?

[Dennisreynoldsduster]

My post isn’t intended to offend anyone who didn’t breast feed or gave up breast feeding, it’s purely my own feelings...

We had a tough breast feeding journey. He didn’t gain weight for a while so we were pressured to introduce formula top ups - in my anxious, hormonal state I just went along with it without much thought and he gained really well.

He developed reflux around the same time, and we had a few bad weeks where he just wouldn’t settle, was rigid and stiff and distressed after feeding, constant hiccups, arched back etc, throwing head back, all the classic signs. We ended up in A&E because of his breathing which I didn’t realise could be a symptom of reflux and we were given gaviscon.
Didn’t really work but I discovered anti reflux formula which really really helped. Because it helped so much I ended up breast feeding him less, but always offering the breast first followed by the formula

We realised pretty quickly that breast feeding made the reflux symptoms worse :( which makes me feel terrible as surely it should be the most natural and therefore best for him?

Recently he’s been really settled and I wanted to try and up my dwindling supply so I can get breast feed him more as I was hoping the reflux had settled a bit, I’ve been taking supplements and drinking special tea and over the last two days I was able to breast feed him a bit more...

Only for him to be in a terrible state - back to all the reflux symptoms, crying, curling into a little tense ball, unable to sleep or settle.. it was horrible and even more so to feel like I had done it to him.

So I think I’ve come to my breast feeding journey. Have tried starting to eliminate things but I can’t bear for him to be in such discomfort while I try and work it out. I thought it could be dairy initially but he’s better on the formula so doesn’t make any sense

Doctor wasn’t that interested at his 8 week check she just said they grow out of most digestive issues like this - she wasn’t particularly interested in helping me get breast feeding going again which I do understand isn’t her job.

I did see a lactation consultant and she advised giving up the formula and just breast feeding to get my supply up and then working on eliminating foods week by week to see what it is that’s irritating the reflux - but that could be weeks!

Sorry for the essay, I’m feeling really rubbish about it. All my friends have managed it well, none of them have problems with their babies being affected negatively by their milk... it’s just made me feel a bit low.

I didn’t expect to feel so emotional about it but when I see him rooting around my chest it makes me want to cry now!

Sorry for the essay, I guess I just wanted to get it all off my chest (excuse the unintentional pun!)

I breastfed/mixed fed my first until he was 10m. It was miserable for a lot of the time. With hindsight, what I needed was a kind word from DH, my mum or a friend to give me permission to stop. There was too much emotion and I could not make a rational decision. 2 years down the line, I don’t think abut it at all now.

Yanbu to feel conflicted, but please do what you think is best for you and your baby.

When I was pregnant with my first, a close friend who had had PND talked frankly to me about what factors she felt contributed to her having it, as she felt that we had similar personalities. One thing was her inability to breastfeed. It was extremely helpful as I went into breast feeding with an attitude of "if it works, fine, if it doesn't fine, the most important thing is that the baby is fed and I am ok.' So if you have achieved that, then that is the best!

Totally get it. Still feel a twinge of it 12 years on as my robust, academically strong dd goes about her business.
Fed is best. Be kind to yourself. Be really kind.

Thank you so much, I feel a bit tearful at all your kind words.

I have been to some breastfeeding support groups and they’ve been really helpful and given me tips for the reflux and positioning etc but nothing seems to improve it when bf unfortunately.

I know it’s silly but I keep thinking about being out for coffee with friends and being the only one not popping their DC on to feed... which is stupid as it doesn’t matter, he’s healthy, he’s gaining weight big time after struggling at first and is a proper little smiley chunk now.

I think I am making it about me and projecting how I feel onto him so I’m telling myself he’s going to miss out etc etc

I’m glad I’ve managed it for two months, despite all the problems I’ve had, so I’m going to try to focus on being proud of that.

Going to have another read through at the suggestions and see if there’s anything else I can try but tbh at this point I don’t think I can bear to draw out his discomfort.

Don’t feel guilty. Don’t waste your time with your newborn beating yourself up for not BFing. You’ve been a hero so far and done more than most. Now settle down to enjoy your time with your newborn.

I let BF failure guilt drag me me into PND. I would do anything to stop someone else making the same mistake. My DD is 4 now and bright as a button. You would never know she wasn’t EBF.

If you want to bf then follow the lactation consultant’s advice. I would also pump every two hours in the day to up your supply if the baby isn’t on the breast

As for the curling / fussiness your GP is right. Most do grow out of it. My DS is below the 5th centile and had a tongue tie and I insisted on breastfeeding and expressing throughout despite the agony and ill qualified midwives telling me to use formula (but then not telling me what brand was best, or how it could be better considering his wind) because I wanted to. If you want to then do it.

I used inocolic (you can get it from boots) before every feed and baby massage (focus on his belly and legs) and eventually DS improved. Digestive problems are very common in baby boys. It was hard but I didn’t want any regrets.

Oh bless you OP.

Could it be that he’s taking in a lot of air when he feeds from you and his pain is actually trapped wind and not reflux?

Have you had his latch checked properly by a feeding consultant? And has him assessed for tongue tie?

A bad latch can cause all kind of breast feeding issues whereas bottles are much easier for babies to feed from so doesn’t cause the same problems.

I’m just wondering whether the problem isn’t your milk at all, but more how he is feeding.

Grumpy - are you seriously suggesting the OP does all that pumping, every 2 hours?? Pumping is miserable and OP has already done enough! GRR!

I have had the latch checked and every person who has checked it says he has a good latch. He does have a mild tongue tie but again, every health professional has said it’s so mild and he has good movement so they wouldn’t treat it.

I think it is reflux because it occurs when we use normal formula but improved massively with the thickened formula, but that’s not to say tongue tie isn’t actually affecting breast feeding and causing all his “reflux” issues after BF if it’s more of a struggle than a bottle for him.

I can’t bring myself to follow the consultant’s advice to just bf and pump as I know he will be in discomfort, I don’t think I’ll have enough milk to satisfy him and I would end up literally not leaving the sofa or the house if I was pumping every couple of hours on top of feeding as he’s a slow breast feeder (unless he starts struggling to get milk and then he gets agitated and has to come off). But I appreciate that if I did, I would most likely get my supply going properly again and then I could look at the other issues. I just don’t think I have it in me to commit to that knowing what he will be like.

Don’t feel guilty! Fed is best and you’ve done everything that you can

It’s probably something you are eating. Try living in plain stuff for a few days, no caffeine, minimal dairy and see how it goes.

Never, ever feel guilty for doing the best for your baby. You are a lovely mum, your care and love for son shines through your posts. Natural doesn't mean easy, be kind to yourself.

No. OP wants to stop. Stop making suggestions.

I’ve been there. Things were really tough after my son was born and I couldn’t cope with the struggle to establish breastfeeding and we switched to formula after a few weeks. It was irrational but I felt guilty and ashamed and it lasted for a long time. I was determined to breastfeed my second child and I did, couldn’t get her to stop until she was almost three at which point she was still waking me up 12+ times a night and damaging her teeth. I realised it wasn’t all it was made out to be, and that there was no way I could have succeeded first time around - I had support in place that I just didn’t have with my first child because I understood how difficult it could get, and the experience with a baby so it wasn’t such a shock to the system.

Don’t beat yourself up. You have to do what is right for you and your baby in the moment.

I actually could have written this myself. Breastfed with a reflux baby for five months. Had all the symptoms, used the oneprozole. Discovers cow and gate reflux formula and everything is better. He’s content, well fed, gaining weight, i’m happier as i’m not covered in sick and he’s happy not having to be changed constantly. Don’t feel guilty op, the baby will be happy that you are happy xx

I think yabu. If baby had never had formula you wouldn't know any different and would still be ebf.

They grow out of reflux. If an allergy to something in your diet then that would be a temporary adjustment for you. Either way it is such a short period of time.

YANBU to keep bf despite it all. Don't feel guilty for wanting to continue.

I totally wasn’t prepared for how bf would make me feel with my first. We had a rocky start after a traumatic birth and my supply never came in properly. I had to combi feed and at 8 weeks he totally refused to feed from me anymore. It made me feel so guilty that I had failed. I’m a paeds nurse (not that it should make any difference) but I felt I had more pressure and expectation put on me. I think the trouble is that all the way through pregnancy all you get told about is bf is best etc so the pressure is there before the baby is even born. At the end of the day it is far more important that you and your baby are both happy and healthy. But don’t expect the guilt to just go away, I’m four years on and still get a pang when I see people bf! I’m now pregnant with my second and trying to not put pressure on myself to succeed, although I feel more knowledgable about it now.
Don’t beat yourself up, a fed baby is a happy baby and it doesn’t matter which way that milk comes. Just enjoy being with your baby as it goes too quickly x

You love your baby, doing what's best for him is par for the course even if it's hard. I know that not much comfort but it's the truth. Parenting is full of compromises and learning, just do your best and focus on the outcomes. He is very loved, I can tell.

1. You don't have to just breast feed,
2. your milk flow will adjust WITH TIME. Keep your cool. It will.
3. If he has eczema he definitely has a trigger on dairy. There are brands that are specifically made for that problem unfortunately it did not work for me. The eczema will get worse and worse sorry.
4. Coffee is a killer for reflux too.
5. He will be twitching if he is accustomed to the bottle, for a while only, then he will get the difference.
6. Pumping helps, if you do pump it will not last forever. Give yourself a week. You will need extra support for this.
7. Do you have a haakaa pump ? It's a passive pump. For lack of a better word. This is really good.
8. Burp, burp and reburp, and burp again.
9. Pamper your breast. warm water before to get the milk going, cold water after for them to keep their shape. You are a pretty woman.

10. My Obgyn told me 20 mn on each breast every 2 hours. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't give a peanut about how much gets out, just relax. If he's still hungry : bottle. End off. But never before those 20 minutes. If he falls asleep, you're in. He cannot fall asleep while feeding. He has to do the 40 mn. Of course don't wake him up if he did not wake up after two hours, this is when and where I would pump INSTEAD. Not on top of feeding. Prepare the bottle before you sit down, or get someone to do the bottle and even give the bottle for the night feeds.

He should not touch your breast or latch longer because you want to recover, and your body needs time to build up the next feed. And breast are not toys. Boys have a way of systematically forgetting that. It worked for my 3 kids.
You will get to a point when you just think about your baby and there is milk everywhere, which is another kind of problem.
I put there all the advice I would have liked to have in one go.

This is my memo list to remember not to go crazy with my last and 4th edition. No I don't give a qualm about weaning if it does not work, each baby is different with different needs. Says me, and of course when do wean, your heart lacks some beats. This is what those kids do to you.

It's absolutely miserable when something you have to do 10+ times a day isn't going right. YANBU to feel emotional, but YABU to see it as a personal failure, many parents struggle with medical/feeding/food/behaviour issues with their children and you are seeking out advice and doing your best to get it sorted.

Yes, formula is made from cow’s milk. Given this, I believe any symptoms are more likely to be related to the tongue tie/ latch than anything else.

The advice above about restricting time on the breast and allowing time for milk to build up is very wrong, I am afraid and yes I do have the qualifications to say so.

If you have any desire to still breastfeed I would ask for the tongue tie to be treated; if you are ready to stop then that’s a different matter and you should stop whenever you want.

I honestly think it’s shit they jump on the formula bandwagon as soon as a baby doesn’t gain weight as quickly as they’d like. They did it with my last DC too but luckily he was my fourth so I had the guts to refuse the formula and low and behold he started gaining weight on breastmilk in his own time... I find it quite sickening that the NHS really push breastmilk but simultaneously offer pretty much no support with it and in fact try to force formula on new vulnerable Mothers. It’s normal for breastfed babies to gain weight slower than FF babies because breast milk is digested much quicker. The reflux coincided with you starting formula...

I’m not trying to make you feel worse, I just resent the NHS for doing this to new Mothers.

when you do wean, you heart misses some beats...

@LemonScentedStickyBat
I had my children years ago, so my two pence are only from my experience, please any expertise here is welcomed. I'm all ears.

This is probably a silly question, but does formula have cows milk in it?

Most formula is cows milk based but you can get special presciption formula which isn't. When I had my first he had bad reflux and was diagnosed with cows milk protein intolerance and was prescribed a formula called neocate. As it is expensive you really have to push for it to be prescribed. I mixed fed for 1 year and also cut dairy out of my diet which helped with the reflux.

I voted YABU becuase you shouldn't feel like a failure not becuase you are using formula. Do what you feel settles your baby the best, reflux is really tough.