AIBU to feel like a failure for giving up breastfeeding?

[Dennisreynoldsduster]

My post isn’t intended to offend anyone who didn’t breast feed or gave up breast feeding, it’s purely my own feelings...

We had a tough breast feeding journey. He didn’t gain weight for a while so we were pressured to introduce formula top ups - in my anxious, hormonal state I just went along with it without much thought and he gained really well.

He developed reflux around the same time, and we had a few bad weeks where he just wouldn’t settle, was rigid and stiff and distressed after feeding, constant hiccups, arched back etc, throwing head back, all the classic signs. We ended up in A&E because of his breathing which I didn’t realise could be a symptom of reflux and we were given gaviscon.
Didn’t really work but I discovered anti reflux formula which really really helped. Because it helped so much I ended up breast feeding him less, but always offering the breast first followed by the formula

We realised pretty quickly that breast feeding made the reflux symptoms worse :( which makes me feel terrible as surely it should be the most natural and therefore best for him?

Recently he’s been really settled and I wanted to try and up my dwindling supply so I can get breast feed him more as I was hoping the reflux had settled a bit, I’ve been taking supplements and drinking special tea and over the last two days I was able to breast feed him a bit more...

Only for him to be in a terrible state - back to all the reflux symptoms, crying, curling into a little tense ball, unable to sleep or settle.. it was horrible and even more so to feel like I had done it to him.

So I think I’ve come to my breast feeding journey. Have tried starting to eliminate things but I can’t bear for him to be in such discomfort while I try and work it out. I thought it could be dairy initially but he’s better on the formula so doesn’t make any sense

Doctor wasn’t that interested at his 8 week check she just said they grow out of most digestive issues like this - she wasn’t particularly interested in helping me get breast feeding going again which I do understand isn’t her job.

I did see a lactation consultant and she advised giving up the formula and just breast feeding to get my supply up and then working on eliminating foods week by week to see what it is that’s irritating the reflux - but that could be weeks!

Sorry for the essay, I’m feeling really rubbish about it. All my friends have managed it well, none of them have problems with their babies being affected negatively by their milk... it’s just made me feel a bit low.

I didn’t expect to feel so emotional about it but when I see him rooting around my chest it makes me want to cry now!

Sorry for the essay, I guess I just wanted to get it all off my chest (excuse the unintentional pun!)

Please do not feel bad (although I know exactly how you feel as I was upset at having to combi feed my first and eventually giving up at 5mths)

I'm 10mths in with DD2 and honestly wouldn't have survived it without the support from a fb group I joined.

if you aren't on one I recommend UK breastfeeding and parenting support.

its saved my bf a few times.

Ultimately tho, you are not failing in any way. The mere fact that you are worrying and posting about it shows how much you love and care for your baby and that is all that matters.

I destroyed the first few months of each of my 3 children due to BF failure guilt. Hundreds of £ on travel, groups, lactation consultants, hiring pumps. Hours spent pumping with screaming babies and irritable toddlers vying for my attention.

Limping on for a couple of months with each, mix feeding and spending every spare second pumping. I drove myself into severe PND each time. Before each birth I swore I wouldn’t do this to myself again, but I did.

This isn’t supposed to be about me; but pls OP if you have tried all you can, just STOP. Please don’t become me. 15, 8 and 5 years on from I actually can’t believe I did this to myself. Just stop. And enjoy your baby. You have done fantastic, but it sounds like it’s time to stop.

There’s no way he’d be more allergic to breastmilk than formula considering the latter is made from either cow or goat milk. Also, my son had what they called a ‘minor’ tongue tie too - but there’s no such thing as a minor anything at that age as they are so small. All tongue ties cause gas and wind and failures to latch properly whether at the breast or bottle so getting it fixed will definitely help the wind.

Hello OP. I really struggled to Bf my son and stopped after about 10 days.

He’s 6 Months old now and the sadness and distress I experienced at that time are a distant memory. I promise.

The main thing is that he’s healthy, fed and happy.

As above, is his formula free of cow's milk? If not and he's fine in it then you can rule out dairy for the allergy, if he's not quite fine on it then get one that's for CMPA. Soya and egg are also common allergens that might need to be cut out and reintroduced much later, possibly gluten. It will take some days for it all to have left your system if you're breastfeeding. If you're ready to give up then just do so, you're taking excellent care of your baby. It might be worth persevering to find out his allergy so that you find it before he gets to eating solid food, and proceed very carefully when he does start on solids; pain now rather than later. You're his mum and you know if he can or can't manage it. It sounds really hard and I hope everything gets easier for you both soon.

Well I felt a complete failure. child 1 couldn't suck properly and I had a uterus infection which was undiagnosed so didn't get any milk come through so we tried for a couple of weeks but it wasn't working. so that one went on formula. child 2 was BF for a couple of weeks but I had to go on medication which meant I couldn't BF so formula again. I really struggled with my feelings about it as I had just assumed I would BF. I was not allowed to go to local groups as nearly all of them were BF ones so I wasn't welcome at them and I felt very pushed out and judged by some people. HOWEVER looking back I realise that frankly their opinions on OUR problems were their problem not mine. I would encourage you to do whatever is needed for your baby and you to thrive and be happy and healthy.

Also having spent years trying to sort out my own digestion problems by ruling out foods etc to try and establish what was wrong I really would say that I would go with what agrees with him most. He may well grow out of the reflux and colic symptoms, it may be he does have an intolerance in the future which as MRex says you will still have to identify but whilst he is so small I would think it is highly likely it isn't really linked to anything other than just being little and new and his digestion not being quite ready yet.

You feel a failure because you're a good mum who wants to do the best by her child. Unfortunately it just so happens that breast isn't best in your (and many others ) case so in my opinion the best thing you could do now, for your own and babies sake, is to stop worrying about what your friends are doing and feed your baby with the milk that suits him better. And if it's any consolation I breastfed all but my youngest for around 10 months. My youngest, I only managed for around 2 months and yet I am closest to him more than I am with any of my other kids (love them all the same obviously) Good luck with whatever you decide to do OP

You're absolutely not a failure! You're doing the best for your baby and that's great!

If it was me, I'd get the tongue tie checked again as a "mild" tie can still cause problems. If you really want to still breastfeed (which it sounds like you do) then I think you have to really push for the help you need! Many doctors are too quick to say "just switch to formula, it'll solve all your problems", without even looking at the baby properly or observing a feed.

Have a read of this article and try the lactation consultant again:

www.analyticalarmadillo.co.uk/2012/01/mild-tongue-tie.html?m=1

But if you make the switch to fully formula fed, then your baby will still be fine and you are still doing the best for him!

Healthcare professionals in the U.K. really overstate the benefits of breastfeeding. I breastfed (extended) for both my children. I did it because it was most convenient. I was a formula baby. I was in perfect health and grew up to be reasonably clever, academically very successful, had a successful career, good relationships etc.

There is absolutely no reason to breastfeed your son, especially at the cost of inflicting pain. This breast is best trope is misogynistic nonsense used to guilt women into giving up their or their baby’s physical comfort for negligible benefits. It’s most often spread by other women who need to justify their own sacrifices by repeating thus nonsense. Just do what works for you.

You’re not a failure. Happy Mum is vital for happy baby. I think sometimes hormones make us try to persevere with breastfeeding when it’s not working. You’ll look back at this and wonder why you were so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break and enjoy your happier baby!

Not at all - there’s far too much pressure to breastfeed in my opinion. Before my baby was born I knew I’d like to try but wasn’t hung up on it. Baby took the first feed perfectly after birth so naively thought we’d manage fine. We never had a successful latch again without major help from a feeding expert in hospital - even then it took her a good hour to get baby to latch. The pressure that was put on me from other staff in hospital to feed was just awful - not one of them had any support for my decision to not continue apart from the wonderful feeding expert who told me she believed that formula was best for us. It took me a long time to make peace with that choice and it still angers me that I was made to feel so bad.

hibeat sorry if I sounded tetchy, just that there is a lot of misinformation about breastfeeding out there. It leads to mothers worrying they have low supply when they often don’t. It’s not the amount of time on the breast that’s important, it’s the overall pattern of the feed and the baby’s behaviour during it - but this isn’t the place for lots of bf information as I don’t want to pressure the OP if she has decided to give formula from now on.

Check tongue tie, even with formula this can still cause issues. Sounds like your a mum trying to do their best. If you need to pump then do that. More likely to have prbs with formula then your milk. But you may find certain foods can make baby worse. Check out milkmatter.org. They deal a lot with reflux, tt and issues you seem to be having.

Also parents read the formula igredients I have seen several posats where it is clear parents don,t know what they are giving there children. (Not just this one.).

When people ask if he is fine on the formula - he does get wind afterwards and gets a little bit red and strainy but is usually very settled and sleeps afterwards so I figured it couldn’t be a cows milk allergy

Op- I am a breastfeeding peer supporter. I haven't yet rtft because I'm trying to flip pancakes for the kids.
But I just want to say that if you don't carry on bf, it is absolutely normal and absolutely ok to grieve for your breastfeeding journey if it didn't go the way you wanted it to.
Fed is best is all very well but doesn't take into account how sad a mother may feel about needing to use formula.

Fed is best is all very well but doesn't take into account how sad a mother may feel about needing to use formula.

100% agree.

Hearing fed is best, formula isn’t poison, your baby will thrive on it etc etc etc sometimes doesn’t make a jot of difference to how sad a woman feels when she’s having to contemplate using formula when she wants to BF.

Have you ruled out food allergy? My lg wasn't gaining weight, reflux etc but she was actually reacting to allergens in my milk. Once I stopped eating them she got better!

Turned out my sister had to cut out nuts as this was upsetting my nephew.

I haven’t ruled out food allergy, but he is gaining weight (very well! Maybe a bit too well 🙈) and he’s eating well.