Troublesome 19yr old daughter

[Slb2276]

Hi I am at my wits end. My daughter has told us that she hates living with us but is happy to stay when she feels like it. She has a boyfriend and spends all of her spare time with him. She refuses to eat here because she says I cook rubbish, I am a part time worker, full time Carer to my husband and also have a 15yr old daughter and an 18yr old son in his first year at uni. I make homemade food when I have time. She has now decided that she will come and go as she pleases she spends most of her nights sleeping at her boyfriends house which he shares with his mum and gran, she sleeps in a single bed with him. She comes home at 7.40am when her boyfriend goes to work to change and get ready for work because she doesn’t like to be there when he’s not there. She goes to work comes back after work, showers, changes goes out and we never know if she will be back to sleep or not. We have told her that we expect her to at least let us know if she will be coming home for the night or staying at her boyfriends. She doesn’t let us know and expects us to put up with her behaviour. What are your thoughts? Are we asking too much? I’m thinking of telling her I don’t want her here. My mental health is strained at the moment because I am juggling so much and this is only adding to the strain. I just feel that maybe if she wasn’t here for a while things would be better for all of us

Sit her down and clearly outline your expectations

• no rudeness eg criticising your cooking
• if she won't be home she needs to tell you
• she needs to do her share of the household chores
• anything else you'd like to add

If she can't do that, then she has a month to find her own place.

Dead lock goes on a certain time and off in the morning. She tells you or she's locked out.

Don't worry and stress, just simple, no nonsense rules and solutions.

My 19 year old spends all her time at boyfriends too. Except when he’s busy. Then she turns up and expects a meal with 5 minutes notice. All she does here is bath, eat (if she hasn't got anywhere better to be), breeze in at any time of the day or night to collect some clothes or iron something she needs for the morning...

She has a job interview at 9am tomorrow. She’s been out since 6pm and hasn’t arrived home yet. Not answering calls or messages. One night I will be able to fall asleep before she gets home 😴🙏 ....Teenagers surely do take the piss! - not all. Neither of my eldest children were like this. I cannot wait for youngest to leave home tbh.

It's normal isn't it? Doesn't she have her own key? Why would you need to know she's coming back or not? Unless it's to do with meal planning....since she hates your cooking, just tell her you won'[t be including her in meals unless she asks.

If she hates living with you and makes comments about your cooking she can move out and cook for herself. Sorted.

I'm not sure why the coming and going bothers you so much though. Is it because you're worried for her safety or more of a 'if you live under my roof, it's my rules' kind of thing? Because if it's the former then her moving out may mean you rarely see her at all, and never have an idea where she is.

Regardless, I think it's worth looking into why this is causing so much stress.

Don't give her the power of letting her see her behaviour upsets you. What part of her coming and going bothers you - is it the uncertainty or the rudeness?
She does at least sound responsible enough to have a job and get ready on time. Soe of this is about the natural transition into adulthood -she feels she's ready to be independent but she doesn't have the means and opportunity. If she hated you she wouldn't be coming round as she has the option of staying at her boyfriends.
If she's rude, say so plainly but not argumentatively. "That's not a very nice thing to say." "You don't have to eat it but please don't be rude about what I've cooked, it took me a long time/I'm doing my best".
She might also feel that she's the last one on your list with younger children and a disabled partner...can you build up your relationship, buy her the odd treat/bar of chocolate just for her, send her a funny text in the day?

We’ve sat her down several times lately but just get the “I hate being here.” I asked her to tidy her room because the plumber was coming on Monday she left it trashed on the Friday and said she’d be home Monday morning to clear it up (when the plumber would already be here). I just think that out of respect she could at least let us know if she is or isn’t coming home

I would put her out. No cause for such rudeness and disruption to the household

Oh forgot to add her boyfriends mum seems to allow her to stay when it suits, she’s not been welcomed with open arms because she cheated on him a couple of months ago. Also he’s going to Oz in two weeks his home country and she’s happy to come back just for the two weeks while he’s away

Thank you for all of your replies she isn’t so much causing the stress but she certainly is adding to it. Our 15 yr old will soon be sitting her GCSE’s and suffers with anxiety we have been there for the other two during their GCSE’s. And I actually home schooled my 19yr old for six months prior to her exams due to a mental breakdown

..can you build up your relationship, buy her the odd treat/bar of chocolate just for her, send her a funny text in the day

There you go OP. A bar of chocolate and a funny text is all you need.... 😂😂😂. 🙄

Mine come and go as they wish and I don't have an issue.
If they don't let me know they'll be home to eat, I don't cater for them.
I do a call out for groceries once a week and they can add things they want/need, otherwise they buy their own.
If I need them to do something around the house, they do it. Sometimes it may take a few days but they don't complain. If I want us to have a meal together, they are there, otherwise they are perfectly capable of looking after themselves.

It's an arrangement that works for us. I see no need beyond catering to know their plans. if I want/need them home, they'll be home otherwise I treat them as the adults they are. They more often than not volunteer their plans and keep me updated. They pay $$ to live here and contribute when asked.

I feel for you. This is a really difficult time for many families, they're not ready to move out alone but they're an adult who wants full independence. Everyone rubs each other up the wrong way at this transition stage.

I would say gently and kindly that if she hates it so much she's welcome to find her own place to live. If not then she must commit to being a responsible member of the household.

Is your daughter paying you rent? If she isn’t she needs to be or find her own place.
It sounds as if she’s in a rut , maybe hating her job etc and life but not knowing how to make a change. That’s really up to her to change and stop taking her frustrations out on you!
Does she have the larger bedroom of your kids?
My oldest refused to keep her room tidy, never did as we asked, she was horrible to live with. In the end when she was away we swopped her large bedroom with the smallest bedroom. Her sibling was much tidier and respected having a bigger bedroom
She didn’t like it , but it did make her think
Your house, your rules

She’s 19, not 12. Why is it such a big deal if she doesn’t want to eat with you? Just don’t cook or buy food for her, problem solved. There’s no need to make a big fuss about it.

She’s 19 and I would assume she does come and go as she pleases at that age. Why wouldn’t she?

Why are you making so much of her sleeping elsewhere, and in a single bed with her boyfriend, and with other adults that aren’t you in the house, etc etc etc. Are you religious, is it the possibility that she’s having sex that is bothering you? Or are you jealous that she’d rather spend time with her boyfriends mother and grandma than at home?

Honestly you need to stop being so heavily invested in her every moment and you also must stop trying to micromanage her life and analyse every movement she makes. She’s 19 and an adult now. Of course you love her and worry about her but she’s not a small child any longer. She’s clearly wanting her freedom as a 19 year old adult, and if you keep trying to smother her then she’s likely to break further away from you.

But on the other hand, since she so clearly wants to be an adult then I suggest you sit down with her to also discuss things like:

• paying rent as she should be paying at least a nominal amount
• chores - she may not be eating at home but think about all the things you do each week and divvy some up to her such as cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, washing etc as she should be taking on responsibility for some.

I do think it’s reasonable for her to send a quick text to advise you if she’s not coming home at night as that is good manners, but combined with everything else that may come across as controlling if you are also so worked up about who she’s sleeping with, where she showers etc.

She doesn’t pay towards living here, she tells us she doesn’t earn enough. She is a self employed hairdresser working in a salon and apparently earns less than £100 a week. She has passed her first qualification and is half way through her second for which she has had to take out an advanced learner loan to cover her study fees. She makes no effort to attract business for herself. She is applying for apprenticeships in other fields which means that she will be earning a low wage for the next 2 years. She doesn’t help around the house at all. She has already said that she and her boyfriend are looking to rent a place I’m guessing when he returns from oz

If she hates being with you then she needs to find somewhere else to go.

I had a key at that age.

She's an adult. Nothing wrong with her coming and going but common courtesy should dictate her behaviour.

Sorry, but you are enabling her bad behaviour by allowing her to treat your home (presumably you have worked long and hard for it) as a doss house.

It is common courtesy to tell the people you are living with if you won’t be home for the night so they don’t worry.

Seems normal for a 19 year old to me.

Nothing here sounds remotely unusual or worrying to be honest. The only thing I would say is that if she doesn’t like the food you cook then stop cooking for her and she can cook her own. She’s old enough and perfectly capable and at her age with you working she should be helping out with dinner anyway.

I think it’s pretty obvious that if she goes to her BFs for the evening then she’s probably not going to be home for the night so do you really need her to text you every time? A more sensible thing to ask would be for her to let you know if she does decide to come home, just so you would know if for any reason she didn’t make it back safely.

Obviously if you lock the door at night and she can’t get in then she’ll soon learn to tell you in advance if she’s expecting to come home.

Don’t make a huge drama out of something that is a normal part of growing up and spreading her wings a bit. Is her BF welcome to stay overnight at yours? If not, or if she has to share a room with a sibling, that’s why she stays at his house as often as possible. I don’t see it as something to go into battle over, to be honest.

I would give her 2 options - she tows the line or you change the locks.

It’s well and good people saying she is 19yo, she can do what she likes but she can’t leave a room a pigsty to become a cockroach attractor and she can’t use the place as a doss house and expect everyone else to do her share of the chores. She needs to wash her bed linen, she uses the shower and bathroom, she needs to clean it, ditto for the toilet. I would even say some other chores over and above what she actually uses given she’s not contributing to the electricity/hot water/bathroom products etc.

I wouldn’t cook for her OP, if she can’t communicate when she’ll be home as does crap all when she blows through just rule her out for meals and she can sort herself out wherever she is.

If she’s looking to rent a place with her boyfriend when he comes back from abroad, then she’ll be out of your hair

When she comes back for whilst he’s away she’ll be able to sort out her own meals if she doesn’t like your cooking, no biggy, she’s an adult so can cook and shop etc and she’ll be doing that when she gets her own place. Along with paying council tax, water, electric, gas....£100 isn’t going to go far. Strange she doesn’t earn enough for giving you board but has enough to move out ???

she spends most of her nights sleeping at her boyfriends house

we never know if she will be back to sleep or not

But you do know, don’t you? Every parent of a teenager or young adult goes through that stage of saying ‘you treat this house like a hotel.’ In fact I’d be more worried about a 19yo that didn’t do that, because it would mean they are spending more time In the company of their parents than with their peers and that’s not always healthy either. it sounds to me as though you are feeling rejected and struggling to let go.