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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Troublesome 19yr old daughter

63 replies

Slb2276 · 25/02/2020 01:24

Hi I am at my wits end. My daughter has told us that she hates living with us but is happy to stay when she feels like it. She has a boyfriend and spends all of her spare time with him. She refuses to eat here because she says I cook rubbish, I am a part time worker, full time Carer to my husband and also have a 15yr old daughter and an 18yr old son in his first year at uni. I make homemade food when I have time. She has now decided that she will come and go as she pleases she spends most of her nights sleeping at her boyfriends house which he shares with his mum and gran, she sleeps in a single bed with him. She comes home at 7.40am when her boyfriend goes to work to change and get ready for work because she doesn’t like to be there when he’s not there. She goes to work comes back after work, showers, changes goes out and we never know if she will be back to sleep or not. We have told her that we expect her to at least let us know if she will be coming home for the night or staying at her boyfriends. She doesn’t let us know and expects us to put up with her behaviour. What are your thoughts? Are we asking too much? I’m thinking of telling her I don’t want her here. My mental health is strained at the moment because I am juggling so much and this is only adding to the strain. I just feel that maybe if she wasn’t here for a while things would be better for all of us

OP posts:

xdestarx · 25/02/2020 08:15

It's still your house, and even if she's not sleeping there very often, she's still storing all her stuff there and so needs to have the respect to send a quick text letting you know her night plans, especially if it's preventing a good night's sleep for you!

I would forget about the dinner thing - if she doesn't like then then let her sort herself out and don't cater for her, just tell her to buy her own food.

What is unreasonable is the lack of respect, she may be an adult, but she's still your child living under your roof, and should be keeping her room tidy for while she's not there, and helping you out more around the house if she can't afford much rent, due to not working very much!

If she's planning on moving out anyway, I'd tell her that's what I expected during the two weeks boyfriend is away, and if she doesn't like it, they'll rent their own house!

billy1966 · 25/02/2020 08:20

OP, she's dictating to the house and that is never good.

At 19 she needs to learn some manners.

I would not accept the rudeness about your food.
Cease providing food for her.
Cease any laundry.
Insist she makes a financial contribution.
Lock the door at night and assume she's not coming home.

If she wants to stay with the boyfriend, then fine.

But I would not allow her to dictate to the house and cause upset.

Coming and going is very normal for 19 years, but so is courtesy.

If one of children was rude enough fo tell me my food was rubbish, they wouldn't forget it for a long time.

She's very rude and that's not acceptable.

The sooner she moves out the better.
I wouldn't hesitate in telling her that.

Families have to work as a team with politeness towards each, otherwise it's awful for everyone.

You sound like you have a huge amount on your plate. I would read her the riot act and if she doesn't improve maybe give her the experience of being locked out.

It's a very tough world out there and she sounds like she could do with a dose of reality.

I bet her boyfriend's family are also hoping she jogs on too.

I know lots of 19 year olds and while they definitely can be selfish at times, they buck up promptly when it is pointed out.

Wishing you well OP

FizzyIce · 25/02/2020 08:25

To all those saying it’s normal for 19 year olds to come and go as they please .. it’s not .My 19 year old has the common courtesy to let us know his plans and what time he thinks he’ll be home .
If he’s going to be later than he says then he’ll even text to let me know .
He pays rent, helps round the house and actually likes my cooking .. most of the time

Chickychickydodah · 25/02/2020 08:33

Give her a months notice to move out, that might motivate her to be more considerate

SnuggyBuggy · 25/02/2020 08:55

I'd pick my battles. The rudeness and leaving the place like a tip I would come down on. The coming and going and eating I wouldn't. If she was away at uni you wouldn't know where she was sleeping on what she was eating, I'd let her just get on with that.

Scotmummy1216 · 25/02/2020 09:28

I was ungrateful and rude to my mum when i was this age. As soon as i moved out to go to uni and had to do everything for myself i appreciated my mum so much and realised how lucky i was. Our relationship was so much better. Hopefully this happens with yours.

Cherrysoup · 25/02/2020 09:33

I would be doing zero for her and telling her she has a month to get her own place. Why on earth do you tolerate her shit?

TeensArghhhh · 25/02/2020 13:41

She refuses to eat here because she says I cook rubbish

I’d consider this a positive tbh. Let her get on with it. My DD used to say she would be home for dinner so I’d make food for all of us and wait....and wait.....for her to arrive before serving up. Only for her not to bother. No message to let us know. Now I don’t count her in for family meals, unless she is in and definitely not going out.

As for not knowing if she will be home - I sympathise. The rows DD and I have had about her falling in at all hours of the night and going to bed without locking the front door!

19 year olds can do what they like - within reason. I don’t see why they can’t be more thoughtful of others though.

If a 19 year old wants to be an adult (when it suits them) they are capable of paying their own rent and running their own home. They can make as much mess as they like in their own home. Nobody cares. It’s a PITA having to constantly be picking up after an “adult” whose stock phrase is, “Ill do it now!”Only to still be there 3 days later after much reminding.

TeensArghhhh!!

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/02/2020 15:02

She refuses to eat here because she says I cook rubbish

My food is awful.

Dc cook their own and mine if they are making something

I am ok with ready meals and boiled veg but actually mixing things and that is where things go wrong

Dc know if they want anything more than a sandwich then they need to cook it.

I will have a go but the last time I cooked pasta it disappeared.

Gingerkittykat · 26/02/2020 02:31

If she earns £100 a week how is she going to afford to live with her bf?

billy1966 · 26/02/2020 10:09

@TeensArghhhh

I know that teens that are going on 20 can come and go BUT basic courtesy is not difficult.

My children know that it is a total non-negotiable that if they won't be home for dinner, the let me know with a quick two second text.

35 years ago I was able to do this for my mum and we didn't have phones.
I didn't think it was a big deal either.
It was just basic courtesy towards my mother.

We teach our children how they can treat us and how they can treat others.

I have made it abundantly clear to my children that I deserve courtesy, and I won't tolerate my efforts to provide them with a lovely home and meals being treated like it has no value.

No way!

Daftodil · 26/02/2020 10:52

Agree with the vast majority of the comments already on here.

It takes 5 seconds to send a text to say you won't be home. I really don't understand people who don't do this. I was a teen in the days before mobile phones & would find a phone box to call home if I was going to be late. Why make/let someone (who already has a lot on her plate) worry unnecessarily?

Criticising a meal someone has made you is not on. Would she speak to her boyfriend's mum or her friend's mum this way? Highly unlikely, so why is it ok to speak to you that way?

19 is old enough to be contributing to the household, either financially or through housework. She can start doing the cooking if she doesn't like what you provide.

How will she rent anywhere, pay her bills and buy her shopping for £100/week!? She needs a reality check, perhaps starting by paying something towards her "board" or sorting out & paying for an online shop once a month.

And will her bf want to sign a 6-12 month rental contract with someone who cheated on him 2 months ago? Don't think I would...

TeensArghhhh · 26/02/2020 15:17

35 years ago I was able to do this for my mum and we didn't have phones.
I didn't think it was a big deal either.
It was just basic courtesy towards my mother.
We teach our children how they can treat us and how they can treat others

Hear hear.... Why do so many posters think it’s “normal” for adult children to mess everyone about and be comfortable with their offspring being dead ignorant? As you say it’s far easier now to let parents know your plans than it ever was.

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