Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Troublesome 19yr old daughter

63 replies

Slb2276 · 25/02/2020 01:24

Hi I am at my wits end. My daughter has told us that she hates living with us but is happy to stay when she feels like it. She has a boyfriend and spends all of her spare time with him. She refuses to eat here because she says I cook rubbish, I am a part time worker, full time Carer to my husband and also have a 15yr old daughter and an 18yr old son in his first year at uni. I make homemade food when I have time. She has now decided that she will come and go as she pleases she spends most of her nights sleeping at her boyfriends house which he shares with his mum and gran, she sleeps in a single bed with him. She comes home at 7.40am when her boyfriend goes to work to change and get ready for work because she doesn’t like to be there when he’s not there. She goes to work comes back after work, showers, changes goes out and we never know if she will be back to sleep or not. We have told her that we expect her to at least let us know if she will be coming home for the night or staying at her boyfriends. She doesn’t let us know and expects us to put up with her behaviour. What are your thoughts? Are we asking too much? I’m thinking of telling her I don’t want her here. My mental health is strained at the moment because I am juggling so much and this is only adding to the strain. I just feel that maybe if she wasn’t here for a while things would be better for all of us

OP posts:

JRUIN · 25/02/2020 05:50

It's pretty normal behaviour for a 19yr old, but that doesn't make it right. Don't allow her to take the piss out of you anymore. If she's going to be rude about your cooking, stop cooking for her. If you do her washing, stop doing that too. Tell her she needs to pay 20 quid a week towards food and bills and she also needs to clean up after herself. If she doesn't like it she can move in properly with her boyfriend now.

similarminimer · 25/02/2020 06:02

You have lots of criticisms about her behaviour - but I am not clear on why these things are causing such offence.

Can you outline what you would like her to do in order for you not to want her to move out?

Jellybeansincognito · 25/02/2020 06:16

Why are you calling your 19 year old daughter a teenager and treating her equally so?

She’s 19, an adult.

HoppingPavlova · 25/02/2020 06:26

She’s 19, an adult.

While legally an adult, a 19yo is not an adult. Yes, I know 19yo’s go off to wars etc but they are not really adults. Just the older version of a teenager.

notanurse2017 · 25/02/2020 06:29

Op choose your battles. It's just basic good manners for your dd to let you know if she is coming home so that you can lock the house up etc.

At the same time, her not eating with you is no biggie. Let that one go.

She sounds as though she is getting her life together, she has an apprenticeship. Presumably she's turning up at work on time and doing well? If so really she's fine!

19 year old girls (who are still teenagers!!) can be incredibly selfish. I speak from experience. You just need to ride it out, decide what is really important in order for you all ti rub along together and ignore the rest of the stuff.

Good luck 😁

notanurse2017 · 25/02/2020 06:38

Ah see that she is applying for apprenticeships, apologies. She is at least working and looking to her future. £100 a week as a self employed hair dresser is incredibly low paid, is she working full time?

user1487194234 · 25/02/2020 06:40

She's a adult .Treat her like one.If she has a interview that's she is unprepared for that's her problem,don't make it your problem.Otherwise she will never grow up.

avocadoincident · 25/02/2020 06:53

The fact she does come back is a good thing. You are at a cross roads here and if you choose the one road that could lead to her going very low contact with you. Just accept she's a young adult and let her come a go.

Don't expect rent if she's hardly ever there anyway.

It's very annoying for you I understand but it's very frustrating being a teenager too...the worst years of my life anyway. Good luck

kateandme · 25/02/2020 06:57

sounds like you dont like her very much or aprove of anything shes doing

longwayoff · 25/02/2020 06:58

She may 'hate ' you but I bet the boyfriend's parents hate her more. Soon be over.

ivykaty44 · 25/02/2020 07:01

While legally an adult, a 19yo is not an adult

Capable of getting an interview, working, making her own life With her boyfriend

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/02/2020 07:01

he’s going to Oz in two weeks his home country and she’s happy to come back just for the two weeks while he’s away

How very generous of her!

My DD has also been unable to find decently paid work. She has a p/t minimum wage job which brings her in roughly the same as your DD (possibly a little less). She contributes £100/month to the housekeeping, and she eats what she is given - sometimes she doesn't like it (I warn her if it's food I think she might not enjoy) and she goes down to the co-op and gets herself a burger or pizza or something. She costs more than£100 to keep but the point is, she contributes.

How does your DD expect to rent a flat when she can't afford even to give you a few quid?

i wouldn't throw her out - I couldn't see my child "homeless", but I wouldn't cook for her or do any washing.

Bakedbrie · 25/02/2020 07:03

I think I’d do everything to hasten her decision to move out. But make it crystal clear that its her behaviour of late and the impact on the family that you cant endure...not her per se, who no doubt you do love very much. Make her grow up and pull hr own socks up now!

ArtemisOfOrtygia · 25/02/2020 07:11

It sounds like your daughter is the mother of the house, and the rest of you are under her authority. As a mother, it's your job to lay down the house rules for her very clearly, and execute the consequences when she does not comply to your rules. She's not a child anymore, living under your roof is more of a privilege than right at this point.

Also, it sounds like she has very little respect for you, the way you say she talks to you. Again, you need to stop letting her get away with disrespectful behaviour. Not just for your own sake, but someone who doesn't even respect their mother most likely has no respect for anyone else, either.

Saranvenya · 25/02/2020 07:12

Whilst she adult enough to make her own choice she’s also part of a family and so when it comes to your home she follows the rules or she’s out.
I have 2 boys 23 and 18, they have keys, they come and go, have people here but they also know what I expect as this is our home not a hotel, it’s not about arguing with her OP as an adult give the choice but be firm that you will stick to it.
So no rudeness about meals, clean up after herself, contribute towards the family or off you go.
Sometimes you have to be tough and it feels horrid but it needs to be done for all of you including her.

ooooohbetty · 25/02/2020 07:12

19 is an adult. Yes, an actual adult to the person who said they aren't. Far too old to be behaving like a spoilt brat. Don't cook for her, why should you when she's so vile to you. She's old enough to look after herself. She needs to pay board, even if it's just a £5 a week. I hope she's doing her own washing and ironing. As for the coming and going, let her get on with it. With regards to her room I'd dump everything she leaves on the floor on her bed every time she leaves something on the floor. Good luck

Largeyellowdaffodil · 25/02/2020 07:29

You need to treat her like an adult. It is more house sharing with rules once they are working. Mind come and go as they please but tell me if they are not going to be here at all. Meals vary- basically if you are here then you pitch in but if you are not here then no big deal, they keep their own room and bathrooms clean, Hoover weekly and do the dishwasher when it needs doing. The rest everyone just mucks in when it needs doing. Do their own washing and look to see if anything else will go in a load with it.

feelingverylazytoday · 25/02/2020 07:32

Of course 19 is an adult.
Just set her some basic rules - keep her room tidy, charge a small amount of rent, then step back and let her get on with it.

Itsonlywords · 25/02/2020 07:33

Is it her attitude that is the biggest issue? I've instead of just not eating it's a bit palavar about how your food isn't very nice? Has she offered to cook instead? I can see how it's not that outrageous for a 19 year old to act like that, it seems to be disrupting the household so I'd have a word with her. Just say maybe you're happy she has found someone she enjoys spending time with, but all you want is a quick reply to texts etc.

okiedokieme · 25/02/2020 07:34

It's quite normal. My dd is out overnight a lot, or her boyfriend stays here. We have ground rules - she has to give me 24 hours notice as to whether she (and him) want a meal, she must say if she's staying out, she must tell me if he comes over and stays (after I'm in bed she sends a text to warn me). She needs to be an adult.

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/02/2020 07:35

I have a 19 year old who comes and goes as she pleases but for her it is mainly work related.

She has multiple jobs and a bf who doesn’t have a regular job either so she can go to work at 3.30 in the afternoon and not get off a shift until 5am the following morning.

She does give us a rundown of her week but it can change from day to day.

I do stay up to make sure she is safe when I know she is coming home and she does call me to chat when she leaves work and is going to her car in the middle of the night

She does keep her room tidy and she does tell me what she is doing from day to day but after that she does what she likes

If dc want food they tend to make it themselves as I am the worst cook.

I tend to eat what dc have made

Even I don’t like eating my cookings

vintanner · 25/02/2020 07:56

19 is old enough to move out and find her own place. Take her key or change the locks.

Otherwise, you don't:-

cook for her
clean for her
do her washing

YOU DO CHARGE HER RENT

Saracen · 25/02/2020 07:59

I don't see why it's a problem for your daughter to come and go - it makes your life easier if she isn't there all the time, doesn't it? And if she doesn't like your food then you don't have to cook for her or buy her food. There was no need for her to be rude about your cooking though.

If/when her BF's family have had enough of feeding her, she could cook for your family so it will be food she likes, plus it will take some of the weight off you. If she doesn't want to commit to doing that every night, she could cook your family meal say three nights a week.

You didn't mention whether she pulls her weight in terms of housework, and helping to look after her dad occasionally? Fair enough if she can't pay rent because of being on a low wage while working toward qualifications, but she should do her bit in other respects.

Fi57 · 25/02/2020 08:13

She’s 19 she’s not a child! If she’s earning£100 a week i would ask for a token amount even if it’s only a tenner, she needs to learn to pay her own way. Ive been through this stage and believe me you are doing her no favours by allowing her to treat you home this way. Next time she tells you she hates living with you, remind her where the front door is!!!

strawberrylipgloss · 25/02/2020 08:15

My almost 19 year old comes and goes as he wants (his work often finishes very late). He cooks his own evening meals and is quiet when he gets back so no skin off my back.

If she wants to treat your house like she's a tenant, start charging rent and stop offering family services like food and laundry. If she can afford to move out then she can afford rent to you

Flip

1 2 3