To fantasise about going missing.

[Lilyamna]

I’m not going anywhere.

But I think about it a lot. Where I would go. How I would get there without leaving a trace. How long it would take people to notice I had gone and how long before they actually got worried.
I’d go to The Highlands, and I reckon it’s take 4 days for people to start looking.
Anyone else ever think about this or am I just odd?

I live in the highlands. It's the last place to go if you want to disappear. It's so isolated everyone knows everybody here. A new face will stick out a mile. They will question you relentlessly until they know your whole life story.
Over the years we have had several missing people show up here. A couple have jumped from the cliffs. Sex offenders get rehoused here too. So a new face gets watched carefully.

If you want to disappear go to the city.

I fantasise about running off to Central / South America due to one of my favourite songs: 'where I go I just don't know, I might end up somewhere in Mexico. When I find my peace of mind, I'm going to keep it for the end of time'. I'm sure the reality wouldn't be as glamorous as what is in my head though.

I think I’d fall at the first hurdle. What do you do about money? Find a job that pays in cash and just always use cash? You couldn’t open a bank account.

I think about this whenever I’m in a random country.

How easy it would be in remote areas of the world to just disappear in the wilderness. I think it’d take a bit of prep to build my off grid house somewhere though before I could just disappear.

I keep telling myself I’ll do it one day.

I’m delighted to see so many people recommending Ladder Of Years. It’s one of my favourites.

This is my fantasy too, lack of money stops me doing it.i was only daydreaming about this yesterday.
faracrossthepond I'm in the same position as you. The next 10 years plus fill me with dread.

Can you say a bit more @MrsTidyHouse? Your post sounds so sad. How did it all blow apart?

@Lilyamna this has reminded me of a trip my ex and I did years ago. I was having a tough time with family, friends and work issues. We decided one day that I'd call in sick and we'd just take off in the car. We went to the Highlands (we were living in Edinburgh). It was February and when we got there, there was deep snow everywhere. We saw very few people, some of the roads were absolutely deserted. Nobody knew where we had gone, we didn't have mobiles back in those days. We absolutely loved it and I think that's some of my fondest memories. We decided to stay overnight, we slept in the car then drove to Oban the next morning and got breakfast. I just loved the feeling of freedom, nobody knowing we were even away, nobody knowing where we were, we knew nobody and all the snow gave it that feeling of snow days as a kid. I just felt for thise 2 days that nobody could get to me and nothing could stress me out. I loved every minute!

Glitterblue

I did the same- OH and I jacked in our jobs, ( I took redundancy with a lump sum- he was a researcher and had just finished a contract) We were in our 30s, so older than a gap year!

We rented out our house to a friend and flew to Kuala Lumpur.

For a year we roamed abour SE Asia, friends and family didn't know where we were- we would send the odd postcard from Sumatra or Koh Chang or Java but that was it.

Bliss

We flew back from Bangkok a year later.

Did you find yourself pregnant @MrsTidyHouse ?

I often dream of running away. I am currently thinking of getting a camper, and staying in it part of the week by myself.

I agree a city is the place to go. I spent six months in Paris in a tiny studio and no-one knew me or noticed me. That was good in many ways.

@PianoTuner567

I think I’d fall at the first hurdle. What do you do about money? Find a job that pays in cash and just always use cash? You couldn’t open a bank account.

Hmmm, yeah this. ^ This is why I think the fantasy is (probably) far better than the reality. Unless you have a hundred grand in cash at your disposal, disappearing and starting a new life is not as easy as it sounds. I think it would be a lot more stressful than people think, and not like the fantasy version you read in novels.

I don't earn a LOT of money or have much surplus income, and DH is a higher earner than me, so we are quite OK financially together. I would struggle alone though.

I see middle aged women around me who are single, and divorced, and they seem to struggle very badly financially.

I know half a dozen single or divorced women who are after every last shift they can get at work, just to support themselves. And this at 50-60 years old. This is a time in their life when they should be/want to be winding down, and thinking about cutting their hours down, (or even retiring,) not working 50-55 hours a week just to pay the bills.

I do not want to be in that position. I work 26 hours a week now for the local authority, and although the pay is OK, I would struggle to survive on it alone.

I have a nice life, I live in a nice little home, and I have my own little car, and we travel quite a bit. I'm not afraid to spend money here and there, as DH is a decent earner...

When DH is OK, (and not whingeing) he is OK to be with, but he is becoming a real moaner as he is getting older.

Not moaning at me, as much moaning about the weather, the traffic, work, teenagers, the elderly, all sorts. And as I said, OMG does he fucking moan about his HEALTH?! One ailment after another. He never went to the doctors (hardly) before the age of 50, and now I can't keep the fucker away!!! (He is 57 now.)

I do care about him, and I suppose I do love him, and I have to admit, I am scared to leave as I am afraid of being alone and POOR.

If we were to win the lottery tomorrow, I sometimes think I would leave him. Then again, if we were rich, I feel that he would be different somehow. We'd be able to give up work and travel a lot, and take up all sorts of activities and hobbies that we can't afford now/don't have time to do now. So he would probably be a different person if we won the lottery.

He HATES his job/hates working, with a passion, and has been trying every trick in the book for the last 5-6 years to try and get written off on the sick full-time (or get early retirement.) At the moment it doesn't look like it's happening anytime soon. Mainly because there's fuck-all actually wrong with him.

I saw something called Hunted (?) last week, they had to get away and people were tracking them, mainly through their phones! First move, phone off, buy a burner.

Oh @faracrossthepond I know I should listen to my own advice... but please don't live your life like this! Do you own your home together? If that were sold there would be something over for a small place by yourself?
There must be things you want to do?

I have already decided I am not going to grow old with my husband. Slightly complicated in that both my children have HF asd, but I will leave and enjoy some of my life before it's too late. They're already waking up to his complete abrogation of family life, so I doubt it will be too much longer.

Bugbhaer - It’s so kind that you ask. Thank you so much.

My menopause had been awful, and I had had major abdominal surgery- nothing sinister found - which left me exhausted for about a year. Shortly followed by a TIA. Four adult DC were finally away from home. DD and DGC lived with us for about eighteen months, then got their own place. When they left, DH said, “I feel I’ve got my life back”, and my heart broke for him, because he had never complained through all our ups and downs and I hadn’t really known how much he wanted time for himself.

DH was hoping to reduce his hours to part-time or on temporary contracts. I was decluttering and boxing up, preparatory to doing up the house a bit then deciding whether to sell or stay. Mum was settled in her care home, and we frequently had two tiny absolutely adorable DGC for sleepovers, to give DD a breather. I think we had between six and twelve months when life looked enjoyable, rather than survivable.

Then I fell down the stairs at home, just as we finished sorting and boxing and getting ready to fix up the house. Spent six weeks in a non-weight-bearing plaster, totally shocked and exhausted and sleeping for twenty hours a day.

The week the plaster came off, SW placed the DGC with us, giving us two hours notice. DH went back to full-time contracts, mostly away from home. Younger DS (DGC’s uncle) moved back home, very distressed at the situation. Other DD helped massively with outings, shopping, attending SW meetings with me. I had a walking boot, but couldn’t drive for a couple of months. All our relationships within the family changed. I was trying to organise and emotionally support everyone in the family who was physically supporting me.

Obviously, there’s a huge backstory which is not mine to tell. But at the centre of it are two little children who were neglected and hit and badly fed and damaged, and the fantasy will stay a fantasy.

MrsTidyHouse that is really tough. That's a marvellous thing to be doing, but bloody hell, to be starting all over again, and having just got past your health issues as well...

I think we should start a commune. If we all pooled together we could probably get something decent. What about this place? Ex B&B. We could even rent out a couple of the rooms for wine money. Or this one? I think I stayed in this one once actually! I mean I can't promise anything on the weather...

toomuchtooold commune sounds lovely :-) I’ll bring chocolate and my ancient arthritic horse, and several gallons of Skin-so-Soft. Midges and mucking-out would be much preferable to the rubbishy school app and leaflets about threadworms.

As for keeping up with girfec, Shannari, CfE, nationals, and all the rest of it, my brain’s nipping!

Mmm, Skin So Soft. Scotland must be the only place in the world where all the hikers smell like lavender!

Yes I do. I reckon that if I picked a Friday, I could get about 5/6 hours before anyone started to notice. Maybe a bit longer before they worried. That’s long enough to get on a plane & out of here isn’t it? I’d love to do it but I bet I’d want to come back before the week was out as I’d miss the kids. I think it’s the idea of the freedom & having no responsibilities I like.

Id be gone for about 30 seconds before it was noticed than no one was answering "MUUM"!!

Have you read the ladder of years? Excellent book about a woman who simply, literally, walks away.

William Boyd has written a great novel about disappearing and going totally off-grid; no phone, no bank account, no trace. Then having to claw yourself back into a false identity and a new life:
williamboyd.co.uk/product/ordinary-thunderstorms/

@MrsTidyHouse What a lot to.deal with! You definitely need a little running away even just for a couple of days

YANBU. I think about it a lot. Always thought one of the islands - IOW or Isle of Man would be good places to disappear to ... less police presence so could hide for longer ...

for @MrsTidyHouse

@loobyloo1234 I know people on both islands and there's no way you could disappear there. Everyone knows everyone else's business and there's no escape; Curtain Twitching Central!