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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am resentful in helping my husband’s scouts activities

57 replies

Confuse2012 · 24/02/2020 20:02

My husband is a group scouts leader and he looks after the beavers, cubs and scouts. He is super dedicated and passionate about it and the children enjoy it too. However, I have never been passionate about it all, I help him with the admins, cooking for camps, help out with the occasion events but I have told him I do it because of my love for him and the children, nothing else. He just asked me to help out with a latest event (sleepover) because they are a leader short. He said the reason is because I forgot to give him a one of the child’s form before they organised the leaders. I said no as l really do not enjoy doing the sleepover and we had a row ( not the first time about the scout stuff) I said why is it ok that none of the other leaders partners help out and they are all fine with it but he makes me feel like a utter scum for not helping him! He’s really pissed off with me but I feel that I need to stand up to myself and not feel guilty by not help him? Am I being unreasonable though?

OP posts:

MostlyHappyMummy · 24/02/2020 20:03

His hobby not yours
Nothing to feel bad about

GreyishDays · 24/02/2020 20:04

If he wants to be group scout leader, I would expect him to do it.

TorkTorkBam · 24/02/2020 20:05

What's your hobby?

I can't usually help DH with his because of mine and vice versa.

You are too available.

tiredanddangerous · 24/02/2020 20:05

You’re not being at all unreasonable. It’s his hobby, not yours. And I say that as a Guide leader.

Sexnotgender · 24/02/2020 20:05

Sounds like you go above and beyond already. Not your hobby so you don’t need to do anything and you certainly don’t need to do the bits you don’t like.

JasonBrun · 24/02/2020 20:07

Stop doing anything that you don't actively want to do. Life is too short.

ifonly4 · 24/02/2020 20:07

It's something he obviously enjoys and I'm sure he'd love your company, but his hobby doesn't have to be yours, so you have to be honest. I'm sure there are many other things you enjoy together, so stick to those

topcat2014 · 24/02/2020 20:08

GSL is a bit thankless though. I am happy sticking at beaver section assistant

CopperMugs · 24/02/2020 20:10

Nope. Fuck it. It was never your choice.

Besides, as a parent, I'd rather the leaders and helpers weren't resentful.

Snowfalling · 24/02/2020 20:10

Not your hobby. Not your monkeys.

Ignore him. Use this row as an opportunity to think why he feels it's ok to take up so much of your time for a hobby HE does. He is an entitled man. Tell him from now on, you're not interested in helping out in any way.

Elouera · 24/02/2020 20:10

Surely he needs to either ask other parents to join/help and share the load, or recruit more leaders- rather than trying to rope you in! You obviously care about him and want to help, but him getting mad at you for not handing a form in on time would be my end point to stand up and say NO MORE!!!

Find yourself a hobby! Make yourself less available and not as willing to help. If no one elses partner helps out then why do you need to? YANBU at all!

MagdaS · 24/02/2020 20:11

My husband is a Scout leader. I help where I can - not much with my work commitments - but more with ideas for activities than practical stuff. I don’t do any of his admin. Nor should I, for GDPR reasons, as I’m not a member of the the Scouting organisation. He doesn’t expect any more from me and wouldn’t in a million years ask me to attend a sleepover. He knows I’d rather chew my own arm off.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 24/02/2020 20:12

My kids are at Cubs and Guide and DH and I have happily helped out when they need extra adults. Has he actually asked the parents yet?

mogloveseggs · 24/02/2020 20:13

Guide leader here
Yanbu
Dh supports me by looking after the kids when I am away and paying for the wine and takeaway when I return
Obviously he can't help, but even if he could I would t guilt him into it
You're allowed your own interests

billy1966 · 24/02/2020 20:19

His hobby, not yours.
You are doing so much already.

I would not be impressed with him being pissed off and I would tell him any more guff and he can find another helper.

Oh and you are too available OP.

TorkTorkBam · 24/02/2020 20:20

Don't react to him being pissed off. Do not attempt to mollify. Let him get used to the new normal where you sometimes say no when asked to do a huge favour.

Almostfifty · 24/02/2020 20:33

I was a GSL. My DH helped out when he fancied it, and didn't when he didn't. I never, ever expected him to help, but was always glad of him coming along.

As PP have said, it's his hobby, not yours. He shouldn't expect your help, just be grateful when you do.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 24/02/2020 20:34

DH was GSL for 2 years. It took over our lives. (I was a Cub leader). He nearly burnt out. After moving, he's now happy just be a Scout Leader, and I'm just a Cub leader.

We help each other out, but we keep it balanced. He's taking them camping this weekend- I'm doing the shopping,helping with set up etc. I'm the Home Contact. But when he asked me to be the On Call driver, he quickly realised how impractical that was when I said I could, during the day, when not busy taking our DC t their clubs...

YANBU to refuse to help anymore if you don't want to.

BackforGood · 24/02/2020 20:39

YANBU at all - and I speak as a Scouter.
It is his hobby.
I presume though, if you are doing the admin, holding dcs' details that you are on Compass, DBS checked, done your GDPR training etc ?

Re not having enough Leaders available, he need to look at that and not 'presume' you will just go. Part of his role as GSL is about ensuring there are enough Leaders within the group. Yes, I know, easier said than done - though, having to cancel an even or limit who can go through not having enough Leaders often sharpens the focus of people who hadn't thought before about becoming a Leader - ore even Occasional Helper.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 24/02/2020 20:39

Get yourself a hobby and be less available!

Marellaspirit · 24/02/2020 20:47

The scout group I'm involved in is very family oriented, in fact I'm the only one not related to someone! The GSLs husband was the cub leader and 3 of her children were leaders in scouts and beavers. All but one of them have given up in the last couple of years and I know at least one of them kept it on much longer than they wanted to out if a sense of duty rather than because they enjoyed it. They found it very hard to say no to things because of the family expectations.

So no, YANBU to not want to be involved. It's your DH's thing and of they are a leader short they need to be looking to parents and young leaders to step in and make up the numbers.

Original poster

Confuse2012 · 24/02/2020 21:26

Dear all, Thank you so much for all your kind words and advices, wish I use mumsnet sooner, l wouldn’t feel so alone in my head . Some of you have said that I am making myself too readily available, which is pretty spot on as I only work part time and not much to do apart from looking after the kids and the house! I need to get myself some hobbies to let him know that I do have a life😂. Thank you to all the leaders and helpers for giving me the assurances that you and your other half does not give each other grieves for not helping out too.
It is really hard to recruit helpers and leaders sadly and I often do feel sorry for my husband as he’s stress out at work and stress out about scouts. Being in scouts has save his mental health as he was very depressed for a long time and it gives him a new focus so I would never ask him to give it up. I am the official administrator so have to do most of the admin stuff which I don’t mind but when l feel he try to get me onboard to do this ‘whole family scouting thing’ that I don’t like. I have told me multiple times that scout is his thing not mine and he just said fine when he’s not fine! Anyway, think he just sacked me by saying since I dislike it so much and not actually really good at the admin stuff I might as well not bother being involved at all!

OP posts:

EvaHarknessRose · 24/02/2020 21:34

Wow, he is going to regret that. Stick to your guns and start your own hobbies. Think how much time you've just gained!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 24/02/2020 21:37

He sounds over stressed. Is he getting any support from District?

TorkTorkBam · 24/02/2020 22:16

Result! Take it quick.

^Thanks pet, I really appreciate you noticing that it was getting me down. I'm going to sign up for that Speaking to Badgers in Japanese course I've been thinking about doing. And you know Janice asked me to join her bee-keeping book club, I think I'll do that too. Thanks babe. So glad to drop that admin. Right, I'm going to have a glass of wine while I choose an electric ukelele online."

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