My son.. Please can I have advice

[Happymind]

This isn't an AIBU, but I know this is one of the busy threads and I need as much advice as possible.

My son is 16 (almost 17) and is six months into his A-levels. He is suffering with depression and anxiety and is currently awaiting therapy sessions. He is finding his A-levels difficult due to the fact that he studying three different subjects and at the moment, it's an effort to get up and dressed for the day let alone find the motivation to study and get his head around his subjects.

After a long chat, we decided that it may be in his best interests to quit and look into studying one subject that he is interested in. I know this isn't possible to do with A Levels, but does anyone else know what is available to someone of his age in terms of studying for a qualification.

I find the whole further study options confusing having not looked into them properly beforehand. If he went into another form of education, would they accept him at this stage? And if he did have to wait until their intakes, would he be allowed to work until then? (I'm not sure seeing as they are meant to be in education until 18).

He is passionate about film studies and originally wanted to get his A levels to enable him to attend film school. If he doesn't do A Levels, is that still possible with another qualification?

Sorry for all the questions, I just feel desperately sorry for him and don't want his to waste his life away but equally don't want to force him to do something that is adding to his mental health issues.

Many thanks in advance.

I was exactly in the same situation with my DS at that time of the year.

My advice would be not to let him give up so easily. It is very very common to feel that level of anxiety leading to depression at this stage of A levels studying, and that more for boys than girls usually as boys are commonly used to a let's just study before exams approach.

My DS was exactly the same and wanted to give it all up. He was really low, hadn't made new friends and was convinced was everyone was enjoying studying and he was the odd one out. Talking to teachers really helped as it turned out they were putting a lot of pressure on them at this stage. They do that to indeed get them into a mindframe of ongoing studying rather than leaving it all to the end, which doesn't work with A levels. However, they were able to reassure him that he would gradually find the study methods that works for him, that it was normal to struggle to understand the concept of the course, and that it will all click together, he'd be fine.

We also discovered that he was very low on vit D so he started a treatment. He agreed to keep going with little confidence but taking it one day at a time and gradually, it indeed got better. He also decided to take a weekend job which although added to his workload, have him another perspective to life. He enjoyed making his own money, started to take driving lessons. He was much much happier by the start of his second year by which time he knew how to study and was progressing well. He ended up getting 2 As and 1 B and has gone to Uni doing very well there too.

My advice before considering giving up would be to talk with teachers to understand what it is he is struggling with as he might find the same challenges with any form of course. At the same time, he could indeed be much happier focusing on one course. I wish him good luck.

Happymind, I can't offer advice, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. We're in the same place and DS is struggling hugely with feelings of failure and the school are just shouting "work harder! Be more organised!" at regular intervals. We also have diagnoses of SpLDs and DS is not going back into school today while we retreat and regroup and work out what to do. Sending strength and solidarity.

The official line is that 16-18 year olds HAVE to be in education or training, but I still don’t know what policies are in place to actually enforce that.

It's employment, education or training, you can go into work if you can get it.

OP

a level 3 BTEC extended diploma in an arts based subject would possibly be better if your ds wants to go to college and then uni, BTECs are mostly course work. I've taught health and social care BTEC, most students go into nursing and I would much prefer a student nurse with a BTEC than A Levels. He will get funding for the course if he doesn't already have a Level 3 qualification, so best to not try to finish A Levels.

qualifications.pearson.com/en/qualifications/btec-nationals/art-and-design-2016.html

The other good news for your son is that for arts courses it is often your portfolio that gets you the place on the uni.

He could start getting that together with a mobile phone. He could therefore technically be home educated until September and then start a BTEC.

Random uni entry requirements.

digital.ucas.com/courses/details?coursePrimaryId=66891816-2489-d588-d853-603ed401eea4&academicYearId=2020#entry-requirements

Final thought.

You can go to Uni any age, health is more important at this stage.

Final final thought, I was forced into a VI form I didn't want to go to, to do A Levels I didn't want to do - I wanted to work or if not then do an Art Foundation course.

VI form was a complete waste of 2 years of my life and I was miserable - I'm not suggesting that you are forcing him, I'm saying A Levels are not right for everyone.

I have a lot of friends that work in film. Tv and music

Best bet. Do something like lighting. Or sound?

This happened to a friend of my DD. They were at grammar school and the group of friends all stayed on to do their A levels, this one girl wasn't happy, left and went to local college to do a BTEC. They all went to university and got degrees, all got jobs in their chosen field. She has done just as well as the others and importantly had a happy healthy time doing it.

I hope your son is OK and you can find him a place. Is there anywhere he could apply to do some relevant work experience until he can start college?

My old schoolmate took a year out aged 17 and ended up producing for the BFI.

Don't lose heart OP. But do get DS to persevere if you can - film is kinda competitive.

Definitely speak to local colleges about Btech as suggested by previous posters. I think it would be in his best interests right now to drop out of school and work on getting his mental health on an even keel. He could do some volunteering or a part time job which will all be beneficial to his uni application, so this time won't be wasted at all. Good luck to you both, my own DS went through a hard time a few years ago and I know now worrying it is for you.

I really appreciate everyone's input and it has been hugely helpful.

I can't answer individually just yet as I'm working but will do soon.

Just to point out, my sons depression and anxiety doesn't stem from A level pressure. The A levels have just added another dimension to his mental health struggles.

I'll be back soon to reply. Thank you all once again

It's very common for young people to re-group somewhere during 6th form years. Both mine did, as did many of their friends. And DS2 was struck by how less able to cope with uni were those students who came straight from school and A-levels compared with those who had had greater control over their studies at college.

Do you have any orinces trust courses near you? Maybe he could get on one of their short courses before starting a BTech or apprentiship?
www.princes-trust.org.uk/help-for-young-people/unlock-your-potential/discover-new-talents

you sound like a lovely Mum

Please dont worry too much, they all find their way in the end.
My daughter gained a level 3 at college,got into uni then dropped out in the first year. She couldnt cope,so now works full time in a pet shop where she is happy.
She is 20 now and has a life ahead of her if she ever wants to restudy.

So much great information. I'm overwhelmed.

I called his college today and they have given him an appointment with a careers adviser. From the brief conversation I had with his form tutor, he agrees that it's worth looking into an alternative. I'd rather him do something more achievable with less pressure.

I feel guilty I never looked into all his options beforehand.

It's encouraging to hear that I'm not the only one with a child in this position and that it worked out for them in the end.

I'm now trying to see what he can do between now and September.

kerkyra - that's so good to hear. Education opens doors, but it should never trump someones happiness or mental health.

Etinox - thank you so much! that's very kind.

I'm going to look at that link now.

thefemalelemur - thank you. I hope your son's are in a good place now :) Worrying isn't it.

By all means change course but it won't magically help his depression

GP apt, CAMHS referral and chase chase chase and follow up every conversation in writing.
Vit D screening and supplement if necessary.
Therapy whilst waiting - you will probably have to pay
SSRI's helped dd get to the right place for therapy to work but some gps will and some won't.

IWillWearTheGreenWillow
Happymind, I can't offer advice, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. We're in the same place and DS is struggling hugely with feelings of failure and the school are just shouting "work harder! Be more organised!" at regular intervals. We also have diagnoses of SpLDs and DS is not going back into school today while we retreat and regroup and work out what to do. Sending strength and solidarity.

It's so upsetting isn't it. That's exactly what is happening at his college. They are aware of his health issues and are sympathetic, however the demands of A levels don't work well with someone who can barely organise their own school bag at the moment.

I thought that once you chose a pathway that you were stuck with it. I didn't realise how many other options were out there.

I truly wish you the best of luck with your son.

OhTheRoses
By all means change course but it won't magically help his depression

I'm aware of that, but it's certainly not helping! It's just added another dimension of pressure.

His therapy and CBT are soon approaching so I am feeling much more optimistic. If he changes courses at least he will have a few months to work on his mental health. That interesting about your daughter. We was told that they don't like to give children medication to treat depression? How old was she if you don't mind me asking? I thought that was standard GP practice but obviously not.

DD was 17. GP refused and CAMHS were hopeless - couldn't get past the mh nurse who couldn't see beyond family problems that didn't exist. We had to go privately.

Thank you @Happymind. After a long talk today, he is determined to stick with it but will consider anything less than 3 As to be failure. At present, he's not pulling marks anywhere near that and he's aware that he needs to do much more work but can't get over the ADHD hump to actually do it. We have another meeting with the school tomorrow that will likely result in lots of pretty lies about the support he can have. Hey ho. Hope your boy's careers meeting is useful.

God wrong thread, I've requested deletion of above message

anti depressants are often very effective.
Whilst I understand that they do not "like" to prescribe them for "children" this may be the right thing for your son.

I teach apprenticeship and assess them - sounds like it could be a route for him to investigate - lots
Of support from both the place of work and the organisation he picks to do it through ... you can get it through colleges and private institutes 😊

Though I would say - maybe a little break to get his mental health sorted - he could always do an online course to keep him doing something but I was that kid who didn’t get the help and It isn’t fun