To not know how to deal with this at work and am really pissed off.

[shitjob]

I've been in my new job for around 2 years. Love it. Love my team etc. Things are going well etc. I have a colleague who is senior than me who I work quite closely with. He isn't my manager or part of my team but my role requires working with him alot.

We get on brilliantly and work really well together and became friends. We don't see each other a lot outside work though so it's more of a work thing. We text each other all the time.

On Friday he suggested we go out for lunch, all normal, we regularly do that anyway. He basically told me he has feelings for me etc and wants to the things further. All fine except I'm married! Why would he even suggest that? I was quite stunned and didn't really know what to say. I told him it couldn't happen for obvious reasons but now that I've had more time to think about it I'm really pissed off at him and I'm not too sure about him.

Also i know things are going to be awkward on Monday. How long will this awkwardness last. I really enjoy working there and with him too and now he's messed it up. Knob.

I think you need to state very clearly to him that you are going to forget Friday happened, and hope that you can get back to your normal way of working together.

And try!

Can you have a word with your manager to flag this up before you knock this colleague back just in case he takes it badly and causes trouble for you?
I'd knock him back via email or text for evidence as well.

I think if anything he should be feeling awkward more than you! But I’m sorry he’s created this weird atmosphere now that you don’t need.
I would try carry on at work as normal as possible but keep him more at arms length - no more lunches/texting. It’s unfortunate, maybe in time you can build it up again but for now it’s best just to have more distance so your position is clear.

We haven't texted over the weekend so that's weird in itself. We'll just see each other today at work and I have a bloody meeting with him and another colleague this morning too!

I don't feel like telling my manager. I honestly don't think he cause trouble. I honestly just want to forget it happened.

You really don't expect him to react you in a casual way again do you?! CYA and let him know you are sending the incident down the memory hole over e-mail. Then be completely professional with him, no more informal, friendly stuff.

*text, not react 🤦‍♀️

Agree that best course is to say or text, let’s forget that convo on Friday ever happened. Don’t want to lose our working friendship. And then act normal

It's shit when men take friendliness for anything more, particularly at work, but sadly a lot of people of both sexes think men & women can't just be friends.

Agree with above. Awkward convo about how he's misinterpreted your feelings for him, it's not going to happen & you hope you can both move on.

I'd have a chat with my manager to let them know the score, just in case he becomes less cooperative. It's sad we have to think that way but it's also realistic.

Don't be naive, send your rejection by email detailing time and place where it happend.

Eg. Regarding our talk at 'mcdonalds' on Friday, I respect you as a colleague but do not reciprocate your feelings and do not wish to start an affair with you, let's forget this conversation took place.

That way you have a pin in the moment of time he changed the working relationship so if he gets funny at work you have something to show HR.

Just ignore it. They're not your feelings. It will gradually settle down into a new normal. Don't adjust your behaviour in some kind of assumption that it must be your fault.

What Lou said. Do that. It's not overdramatic. Be straightforward and polite. Protect yourself.

I don’t know what people are saying about “before you knock him back” you’ve already done so.

I’d just start to act normal again and try to put it behind you.

I agree a CYA email would be sensible. Mark it confidential, be focused on working together professionally. Do NOT be tempted to apologise for possibly having given him the wrong impression about your level of interest.
Then be smiley and professional.

See how it goes, you may find he's as ready to forget all about it as you.

It's shit when men take friendliness for anything more

If nobody took the chance and asked then nobody would have anything other than friends. You can only ask and see where it goes. Now he knows its a matter of what happens next. He hasn't texted over the weekend so obviously understands things have changed. Perhaps he feels its time to step back. He may intend to carry on as if nothing had been said. An email sent with the obvious intention of protecting yourself will probably stop the friendship and turn the relationship into a basic work only relationship.

If nobody took the chance and asked then nobody would have anything other than friends

Um...OP is married.
He's expecting her to either have an affair or leave her husband for him. Thats not really the same as two single people seeing if the other fancies them AT ALL.

In addition to telling him that you propose to carry on as if your conversation hadn't happened, also make sure that you cut down on texting. It's not really normal to be constantly texting a work colleague at weekends and out of office hours.

Sorry OP but you are over friendly with him. You text out of office, at weekends and go for lunches. He has got the wrong end of the stick. I've worked in very male dominated offices and I have gone for lunches and texted a few non work messages and have a laugh with them but have very firm boundaries because this happens.

If I was your DH I wouldn't be happy about this at all.

Personally I would prefer people to be honest about their feelings so you can adjust your behaviour accordingly. He's told you how he feels, he knows you don't feel the same way. You can now cut back on non-work related contact and revert to a professional relationship only.

@frangipanini - aaah, the old blaming the woman shtick: "you must have led him on. He can't possibly have understood that because you're married you are not interested in a relationship."

OP, short of you having been flirting with him outrageously etc, please don't take responsibility for this. I tend to agree re the CYA email - "Before we saw each other later today I just want to reiterate that I don't have any feelings for you outside of friendship and I hope we can continue to be friends and colleagues."

Send @LouHotel email and be professional.

Do not apologise in any way but be polite and professional.

If you feel even the slightest obstruction happening bring your manager into the loop.

Best be ahead of this.

He's expecting her to either have an affair or leave her husband for him.

Not that strange/unusual in Mumsnetland.

I do agree that the relationship was already far beyond a normal work relationship and could already be seen as borderline inappropriate for work colleagues. There have been a lot of threads by women complaining of their husbands/partners texting female colleagues out of hours and everyone would holler they're having an affair. Time to reign it back. If he's stopped texting he may have already have made this decision.

Sometimes its easy to be friendly with someone of the opp sex at work ,hence the term "work wife" . However its unacceptable for this guy, to read anything sexual into it as he knows OP is married . A few friendly texts and going for Lunch shouldnt mean anything more than that ! Some men will try it on though and read more into it . Just act normal and try to not spend as much time together .

I had similar happen to me last year with an old dog walking friend who declared their feelings by email. Like you, I was actually pissed off that this person assumed he could just come out and tell me this when I was in a (new) relationship. To outline the context; we used to walk dogs in a group, I moved house and we all kept in touch by email. It was just round robin updates on what we were all doing every few months, nothing more. Plus he was 20 odd years older than me, married and even if I was bloody single I would NOT have even considered him as anything other than a friend. I got totally jumped on by some MNetters for apparently 'leading him on' or 'giving the wrong impression' which is a load of bollocks.

If someone knows you are in a happy relationship, why on earth do they think they can declare their feelings and expect you to do something?! It is beyond me.

OP I would definitely document the conversation by email as @LouHotel has suggested.

We text each other all the time.

This must have encouraged him. It does sound more of a friendship than simply a friendly working relationship. Were you texting about work, eg Nathan's new trousers or Sandra's retirement party, or was it more banterous non-work related?

I have had had a few mistaken suitors at work in my time, but there's no need for a drama in letting them know they've got the wrong end of the stick. Why report the guy? He might well report you back for flirting with him at work etc. Best have dignity, and just cool things back down to a professional basis.

What did that man do wrong, PinkMonkeyBird? If he had been handsome and younger I don't expect you'd have been insulted. There is nothing wrong with someone tenatively putting out feelers as to whether another person is interested. If it's a no, it's a no. To then pursue it would obviously not be acceptable, but making an approach in the first instance is not a terrible crime.