To not know how to deal with this at work and am really pissed off.

[shitjob]

I've been in my new job for around 2 years. Love it. Love my team etc. Things are going well etc. I have a colleague who is senior than me who I work quite closely with. He isn't my manager or part of my team but my role requires working with him alot.

We get on brilliantly and work really well together and became friends. We don't see each other a lot outside work though so it's more of a work thing. We text each other all the time.

On Friday he suggested we go out for lunch, all normal, we regularly do that anyway. He basically told me he has feelings for me etc and wants to the things further. All fine except I'm married! Why would he even suggest that? I was quite stunned and didn't really know what to say. I told him it couldn't happen for obvious reasons but now that I've had more time to think about it I'm really pissed off at him and I'm not too sure about him.

Also i know things are going to be awkward on Monday. How long will this awkwardness last. I really enjoy working there and with him too and now he's messed it up. Knob.

You've brought this on yourself ; texting him all the time is step one of a work affair so he thought you'd reciprocate.

Tell him you over stepped your boundary and it will never happen again. Stop texting him and going for lunches. You got lucky your marriage isn't going through a weak spot. Read up on how affairs start and tell yourself off. Then forget about him!

@Friendsofmine catch a grip, she did nothing wrong

Agree that you should say let's forget about it & be less friendly. Hopefully he is normal & feels bad about getting it wrong

I would write a letter to your employer and date it but seal it and ask him/her to not open it unless or until you tell him to. This futureproofs you against any problems with this co-worker.

If the wheels come off it, you can ask your boss to open the letter and they will then know it's not a recent thing.

Put into the letter what happened when and where and how it made you feel. That you plan to do nothing about it and ignore it but all the same you feel the need to protect yourself and that is the purpose of the letter.

@IrmaFayLear of course he did something wrong, he stepped over a line! A married man approaching another attached woman knowing full well she's in a happy relationship...it's not a simple case of "if you don't ask, you don't get" FFS. What planet are you on?

Well, of course it's a bit off if he's married, but there's no need to feel so full of outrage. A "No thanks, Derek, I'm quite happy as I am" and all is made clear. Gosh, you must be absolutely incandescent at tv programmes as most seem to feature affairs. Just because someone makes an approach you don't have to accept. A la Grange Hill, Just Say No!

We haven't texted over the weekend so that's weird in itself.

what is more weird is that you feel it's fine to constantly txt a male colleague. Yes, you are married, but it sounds like you gave him the wrong signals too .

You can't be too pissed off as he hadn't done anything else than tell you. If he completely backs off, and become professionally distant, he's doing the right thing.

Well he's not your friend, so no more texting.

I suggest you DO tell your manager. Of course you don't want to - but it's more important than some minor embarrassment. This guy isn't nice or genuine - he knew you were married, he very likely must know you're not interested - anyone with half a brain cell can tell when there's attraction or not - but he put you on the spot anyway just to chance his arm.

Do not take the risk of him getting the hump at being turned down and turning on you at work.

Let your manager know that there was an unfortunate conversation between you and X 'where he seems to have misread a friendship and there was a bit of an awkward moment. I have no intention of letting it affect our work relationship and I've made it very clear to X that there seems to have been a misunderstanding. As we are colleagues I thought it best to let you know but I hope there will be no atmosphere and no effect on the job.'

Then email X:

'Dear X, I thought it would be a good idea to message you following the events of Friday. I am surprised and saddened that you clearly misread the terms of our friendship as I would consider that I have never given you any indication that I saw you as more than a friend. As you know I am happily married and found your comments completely inappropriate. This is to let you know that we will no longer make any contact that isn't directly work related as a friendship is clearly not a good idea. I of course respect you as a work colleague, wish you all the best and hope that our working relationship will stay as cordial and professional as it always has been. Best wishes Shitjob'

OTT?
Standoffish?

Possibly, who fucking cares - give him the message loud and clear in a format you can forward to your manager if there's even a hint of a bitter knocked back wannabe-wick-dipper making trouble for you.

@IrmaFayLear totally agree. He should keep his feelings to himself if the other person is married and happily so.
I’d be pissed off too OP that he thinks that you are a potential cheat. It’s insulting.

Put it another way, if your DH keeps texting a female colleague all weekend? how would you feel? It's weird. You spend all working days together already.

I don't believe the blame is entirely on that man here.

@IrmaFayLear

Yes, I do get incandescent at cheating in general (not by shitty TV programmes), purely because I was cheated on myself by my ex. When someone knows the full picture (like the OP's work friend and the old dog walking friend), they shouldn't cross the line. If it is someone who doesn't realise you are already attached, then that's different, they weren't to know. You can then say "No thanks, Derek, I'm not interested".

Fair enough, PinkMonkeyBird.

In the case of OP, I agree, I don't think dh would be thrilled if I were txting a work colleague at weekends not about work . And I certainly would be if he were doing the same. Not appropriate. Unless both are free and there is something in the wind...

You've been sending out the wrong signals to this guy.
Poor bloke must be mortified.

You’ve nothing to feel awkward about. Act professionally and distance yourself from the friendship. This is all on him.

Excellent advice from Alunwynsknee

but don't pretend it comes out of nowhere and you are the innocent victim of a something that didn't even happen.

It would be very awkward for all concerned if your colleague was forced to show all the text you have exchanged to prove he's not a perv and he just made an really embarrassing mistake.

@JustInCase

Stop blaming women for men’s behaviour. OP has given no indication that she led him on so yes she is an innocent victim.

Are the fucking MRA on MN today?!

You've been sending out the wrong signals to this guy.
Poor bloke must be mortified.

Poor man.....jesus christ

Are the fucking MRA on MN today?!

I know right?

@IrmaFayLear I understand re: the texting outside of work, totally and agree that it isn't necessary unless it is on a professional level with a need to discuss something just work related.

Personally, I don't like mixing work friends (male or female) with my private life. I keep them as that, just work friends. That makes me sound like a crabby bitch, but I'm far from it. I like to hear about their lives but don't want to extend to socialising with them! I like to leave work at the end of the day/week and not be reminded of work! After decades of working, you just learn from experience to keep them separate! Works for some people, but not for me!

Poor bloke must be mortified.

I know! All the poor little lamb did was proposition his married work colleague. It's like nobody would even consider that he's a man and therefore you just can't apply the rules of common decency and politeness and simple friendship to him.

So sick of people expecting men to just behave like normal friends when you're friendly to them and not even considering that they might just have to act like dogs in heat constantly. Totally unfair expectations imo.

Ii think some people (men and women) enjoy flirting at work. It gives a sense of validation of one's own attractiveness - an ego boost, if you will. And, if married, it's literally flirting with danger.

Dh's friend (single) struck up a friendship with a female colleague (also single). Like in the OP, much texting, socialising out of work, clothes shopping etc. This woman even came round to dh's friend's house by herself for dinner/film. But when dh's friend made a move (I think it was a hopeful arm round on the sofa) she went mad and said what had made him think she was interested in him. Dh's friend was mortified and was very depressed afterwards.

know! All the poor little lamb did was proposition his married work colleague. It's like nobody would even consider that he's a man and therefore you just can't apply the rules of common decency and politeness and simple friendship to him.

And he's senior to her. But o course, he can't possibly be expected to understand.

Look, if OP comes back to tell u that they usually text 300 times per weekend including about their respective partners or deepest darkest secrets, I might express some sympathy for him. But otherwise, a friendship with a married person should automatically be assumed to be just that - a friendship. Platonic. It amazes me that this needs to be clarified.

He behaved disgracefully. Coming on to a married work friend? No ok.

Why are some posters making OP (and women in general) out to be fragrant Victorian ladies, shocked if a man proffers his suit.

I don't believe for one second that OP didn't know or at least suspect that the married work colleague fancied her, or maybe even had deeper feelings. You just know when someone always laughs at your jokes, or sits next to you at a work thing, or you catch them looking at you.

I really don't see why there needs to be drama and "reporting". All the OP needs to do is to say, "Sorry, Frank, I think there's been a bit of a misunderstand." The End. Return to the work relationship you have with everyone else in the office. I doubt whether OP is texting all her colleagues out of work all the time as she has been doing with this fellow.

He's told you has feelings for you.

He didn't force himself on you, push you in to anything or pester you repeatedly.

You told him nothing was going to happen and he hasn't pursued it, leaving you alone all weekend (as appropriate).

Now, what he did isn't morally great as you're married.
But it's nothing to get him in to trouble about at work.

It may be awkward on Monday. And for a few days after that. But that's normal. He's told you something personal. It'll pass.

If he carries on bringing it up and trying it on with you, speak to somebody at work about it. Absolutely.
But if he doesn't mention it again then just let it go and move on.