To not know how to deal with this at work and am really pissed off.

[shitjob]

I've been in my new job for around 2 years. Love it. Love my team etc. Things are going well etc. I have a colleague who is senior than me who I work quite closely with. He isn't my manager or part of my team but my role requires working with him alot.

We get on brilliantly and work really well together and became friends. We don't see each other a lot outside work though so it's more of a work thing. We text each other all the time.

On Friday he suggested we go out for lunch, all normal, we regularly do that anyway. He basically told me he has feelings for me etc and wants to the things further. All fine except I'm married! Why would he even suggest that? I was quite stunned and didn't really know what to say. I told him it couldn't happen for obvious reasons but now that I've had more time to think about it I'm really pissed off at him and I'm not too sure about him.

Also i know things are going to be awkward on Monday. How long will this awkwardness last. I really enjoy working there and with him too and now he's messed it up. Knob.

Stop blaming women for men’s behaviour. OP has given no indication that she led him on so yes she is an innocent victim.

you might want to read the OP's posts
The sex or gender has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this story - genders could be reversed or it could be gay or lesbian couples.
There's no "innocent" here, and no "victim" either .

You send the wrong message, you say no when someone is getting the wrong end of the stick and talking about taking things further, all between adults, move on.

It's insulting to keep describing women as permanent "victim" all the time. Talk for yourself, I am not one.

OP has given no indication that she led him on so yes she is an innocent victim.

There can only be a victim if there's been a crime. Affairs happen, which proves it's not a universal truth that expressing an interest in a married person is a crime. He asked, she politely told him to bog off, as long as that's the end of the matter, no crime.

Of course it's a cringy encounter, but I doubt he's feeling any better about it than she is. He's the one whose been knocked back, whose been shown to be deluded, and who may face consequences from work if she is very offended.

@JustInCaseCakeHappens

It's insulting to keep describing women as permanent "victim" all the time. Talk for yourself, I am not one.

You’re the one who said OP should stop pretending to be an innocent victim. I merely challenged your statement. It’s YOU who introduced the word victim.

Don't play daft, you understood exactly what I meant, there's just no need for so much over-reaction.

Shame that as long as a MAN is involved some posters go into absolute overdrive.

I hope we all remember this thread next time someone comes on complaining about their husband or partner texting a female colleague in the evening or weekend. Instead of saying 'pack his bags' or 'he's having an affair' we'll all be saying is a bit of innocent chat between friends.

If nobody took the chance and asked then nobody would have anything other than friends

The OP is married FFS!
Unless she's not mentioned her DH/DW once throughout their working relationship/ social lunches, then being married should be a pretty big clue that you're unavailable & are happy to be friends. I totally understand her being pissed off & changing her view of him.

If you're both carefree & single, knock yourselves out.

We had the meeting. He was just his usual self and was even joking around with me in the meeting like as though nothing had happened. As the meeting finished and as we were all about to get up he said shitjob, can we have a quick word about X. I just need to go through a couple of things whilst you're here. Obviously totally made up.

He then apologised profusely and agreed it was a shit thing to do. He didn't want to speak over text and wanted to talk face to face.. He's been feeling sorry for himself lately and he just thought what the hell, and took the chance.

He said his feelings for me will always be there and that he loves and cares about me alot and wants the best for me. He's been feeling like this since last summer.
He doesn't want to lose me as a friend but understands if I want to back off.
He was really regretful and felt shit that he hadn't communicated with me all weekend before we went back to work.

I'm not sure why people are saying I have brought this upon myself. I mean can't you be friends with people. We don't flirt. I don't even know how to! We get on very well. He is single but was in a relationship when I first started working there. My DH has even met him. I would class him as a friend.

@shitjob

That's good he has apologised, but I'd definitely back off with the texting him outside of work. It doesn't matter that he has met your DH etc or that you consider him a friend...he wasn't being a friend to you by putting you in this awkward situation, and knowing damn well you are married.

I'd be taking a massive step back and minimising the out of work contact with him. You may have innocently gone along thinking he was just being a friend, but feelings like that just don't go away. He will be licking his wounds, but I'd be VERY careful now. When some people get rebuffed, whilst they may be very cowed by it and regretful, they may feel resentful towards you and your DH. Either way, he should have confided his 'feelings' to someone totally out of the situation and showed some restraint. If he had done that, the neutral person may have told him to think on!

He sounds like a very decent guy, and he did the right thing by apologising.

I'm not sure why people are saying I have brought this upon myself. I mean can't you be friends with people. there's being friend, and flirting. Texting each other a lot, and when you already work together, that's.. A LOT. It's more than friendship.

It's not even like texting each other a lot AT WORK when you mess around to pass the time.

If you are genuinely friendly and have no idea where that comes from, you will find it easy to limit contact to working hours.

We don't flirt. I don't even know how to!... seriously

He doesn't want to lose me as a friend but understands if I want to back off.

Yes, back right off.

He isn't your friend. He never was your friend.

No more friendship, no more texting. Ever.

He definitely knows he should have kept his mouth shut. Like I said he he was feeling sorry for himself and he just told me. He wasn't planning on it or anything and he doesn't even know what he was going to gain from it. He knows there's no chance in hell I would do anything.

And he didn't even think about the impact it could have at work or even our relationship as friends.

He regrets it massively and would just turn back time if he could.

We will be working on another project again soon . It's always assumed we would work together on it but he's suggested someone else could work on it with him instead of me if I want to have a bit of distance. I told him that would be great and we'll just take it from there.

At first I thought , well at least he's honest. But then I got really upset. What kind of prize does he think he is ? How dare he question your vows ? It would be difficult for me to be "friends" with him, where is his moral compass ? It's so disrespectful. He has crossed the line multiple times. First he thought about it, then he talked about it to you. That might be a teaching moment for him. Make it count, protect yourself but really there is a lack of substance there on his part, I would not venture into friendship territory with this kind of person. Also please review if anything in your attitude might have provoked this.
Cristallisation is a real this though, you might just look in the direction of some brat for them to think that you are head over heels in love with them...
Hope you manage well this monday.

Make sure that this does not have consequences on your career. At the end of the day being side stepped because "you're so nice and pretty" is ugly too. What an A... I really don't like this type of guy.

Fuck this 'he did nothing wrong' bullshit. It is NOT OK to pursue married people. Does nobody respect marriage anymore??

he was feeling sorry for himself and he just told me. He wasn't planning on it or anything and he doesn't even know what he was going to gain from it. He knows there's no chance in hell I would do anything.

he says, he says.

He regrets it massively and would just turn back time if he could

he says, he says.

He's not nice, he was chancing his arm, he was never a friend, he saw you as a potentially easy lay. That really is it and if you've any sense you will keep far away from him.

@JustInCaseCakeHappens

Don't play daft, you understood exactly what I meant, there's just no need for so much over-reaction.

No I don't know what you mean. What did you mean when you said OP is pretending to be an innocent victim?

On the way home and I don't know if I should tell dh. I feel like I'm not being honest if I don't tell him if that makes sense. I know I haven't done anything wrong but I feel that I should tell him. Should I?! I think he will be ok about it and does trust me or will it open a Pandora's box?!

Jesus Christ, OP. Stop being such a drama queen about it.

If you're half as dramatic in your retelling to your husband as you have been on here, you'll be lucky if he doesn't punch the bloke or make you put a formal grievance in at work!

The poor bloke just told you how he felt about you.
He never expected you to reciprocate.
He didn't make any moves to kiss/grope you.
He left you alone this weekend after you told him nothing would happen.
He apologised to you as soon as he could and said he'd never bring it up again.
He was silly to tell a married woman how he felt. But that's it. No malice involved.

Just bloody let it go!

I would tell him. You have done nothing wrong, but a lie by omission would definitely look suspicious and I'm guessing you would want your husband to tell you under the same circumstances.

She believed they were friends, he had feelings for her, but somehow she was the one that made a mistake? What a load of bollocks. She did nothing wrong.

I can imagine how slated an OP would be if she had got in to this with a married colleague. I‘m certain we’ve had that story before.

OP tell your DH of you must, and I can understand it, but be prepared for him not to be happy with you being in touch with him.

I’d leave it.

He didn't make any moves to kiss/grope you

Bloody hell, we really do set the bar low for how women should be grateful that men behave, don’t we.

OP, do you really need to bring it up with your husband.
I probably wouldn't bother.

However, I agree with @hibeat and @FizzyGreenWater.

Back away.
He's not a friend.
He knows you are married.
He was chancing his arm.

You don't need a shit storm at home with an affair nor in work with a co worker.

I would text him that whilst you appreciate his apology for his inappropriate remarks last week, you would prefer he maintains a professional distance from you in future.

Screenshot it and keep away from him.

I think anyone who does anything to jeopardise your livelihood should be treated as hostile!

The OP is married. Can I Ask OP why you thought it was appropriate to go out for lunches and constantly text this guy. You were starting an emotional affair with him.

Well that’s what we would tell a women who came on here and saying that she found out her H was texting and lunching with a colleague.

Jesus Christ. I bet she bought him coffee too. That’s practically booking a room at the Novotel that is