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Original poster

Money/Debt

82 replies

MrsBrentford · 23/02/2020 22:49

When I married OH 2years ago being had a lot of debt and we merged finances to pay this off which we have done (mainly).

I earn less but we have a joint account which everything goes in and out of and then we have the same amount of personal spending money.

We have got a few loans for some essential work that needed doing to the house and I bought a car. I have agreed to take in students pay for this, this is hard work for me as OH works away all week.

OH got a new credit card a few months ago and admitted he has been playing this fucking game on his phone and got £1500 into debt with it.

I was furious with him but he said he was going to pay it off with his “personal” money (the credit card).

He has then basically been using the joint account as his own account for nights out and large amounts this month (hundreds) have gone out via paypal which turns out is this game that he’s addicted to.

I have threatened to leave and divorce him He has deleted it (although made a big palava about this and leaving his “team”).

For me having a joint account is about trust and he has broken this, my wages aren’t safe (I earn 30k a year) and I am working my arse off with the students while he is flagrantly spending money like water on a fucking game.

I don’t really know where to go with this Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 22:34

His kids don’t live with us, therefore he can’t do all those things, no absent parent can. My ex did absolutely fuck all and he lived 4 miles away with his new wife.

OH drives ridiculous distances to see his kids EOW, has them half the school holidays. pays for their mobiles so they can keep in touch, drives 8 hours to be at a school play and parents eve and has now managed to get transferred back to the town his kids live in.

This has nothing to do with his parenting.

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 24/02/2020 22:44

I think that you know what you need to do.
He is reckless with money and he will eat away at your joint finances.
You need, now, to separate your finances and work on a way to leave him.
This is only going to get worse.
Good luck OP.

Hooferdoofer37 · 24/02/2020 22:45

OP, people are genuinely trying to support you here, but you haven't given us much to go on.

The description you painted of your H was a man that ran up debt, lived away from you and his DC, drinks, spends your monthly income on games & doesn't seem to consider your feelings.

If you're saying he's actually a wonderful man and a great father, who made a daft mistake that's one thing; but that's very different from the original information you gave, hence myself and other posters asking for more.

It seems you're determined to stay with him either way. But please keep a close eye on the finances, as you could be liable for debts he runs up, which is why so many posters are suggesting you separate your money legally.

You could divorce but stay as a couple. That way your house would be safe whilst you maintained the relationship, if that's what you're keen to do.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 24/02/2020 22:46

I don't think it's normal to have debt for home improvements. Lots of people save up for things like that rather than get into debt.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 22:49

He drinks?

He went for one night out - I was pissed off this came out of the joint account, he’s not out on the piss every night.

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 24/02/2020 22:49

He sounds like a bit of a disaster zone. Does he want to tackle this.

I don't think home improvement loans are normal. We always live without "improvements" or save up for them.

sendhelpppppp · 24/02/2020 22:50

it's only normal to have a debt for house improvements if it was vital, i.e. you needed to repair a damaged ceiling and not because you wanted to get a new kitchen

Well this is bollocks and classic of middle class mn where everyone can afford kitchens from their pocket change.

A couple of loans is normal op. Dont let people make you feel like youve done anything wrong here. You havent.

The gaming money has broken your trust and it doesnt seem like hes doing much to earn it back. I would consider ending it if he doesnt change his ways very quickly.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 22:52

He’s in the forces (and was when I met him) and I choose not to live in a married quarter, I chose to live in my/our home.

It’s perfectly normal to get a loan for home improvements.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 22:53

Part of which was replacing a double glazed patio door which was broken in to because you could just lift it off the runners, it was that old.

OP posts:
sendhelpppppp · 24/02/2020 22:55

You dont have to justify it op. Its normal to do that in the real world. Mn isnt like the real world.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 22:56

@send Grin

OP posts:
maa1992 · 24/02/2020 22:56

What's the game?

Bagofoldbones · 24/02/2020 22:58

It is normal for people to run up debt for home improvements. It’s completely normal to have car leases and loans.

But also OP you can get loans for online sites which leaves no paper trail. It’s all done via email. He may have those too.

OP if your still on here. Your dh relationship with his kids is nothing to do with this.

But it would be really sensible to separate your finances right now. It’s not fair he has done this. You’ve come from one financially abusive relationship in to a kind of other one where he has no control over his finances and will gladly use your money.

The other posters are trying to say that because you merged finances and you did a budget - it meant he was able to pay his debt off. But that was only possible because of your money supporting this.

So in essence you did help him pay his debt off. And now he is taking more than his fair share.

Protect your money love. Don’t get in a bad spot again Flowers

idontlike789 · 24/02/2020 22:59

It is perfectly normal to get a loan for home improvements. The bank will usually give you a good rate for home improvement loan as it's usually adding value to your property than say a loan for a car .
People take out loans for cars some prefer to save its personal choice.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 23:03

I traded my old car in as it had high mileage and needed a new gear box and I am an essential car user at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 23:03

@maa1992

Hero Wars

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 24/02/2020 23:05

No rational person spends that much money on a game in a month.

I like games, I am a high earner, and I haven’t spent that much on games in the last decade.

If it were me I would

  1. lock down the accounts in some fashion. Honestly my first choice would probably be he gets an allowance for the time being, but there are other less restrictive options.
  2. he spends absolutely nothing on gaming for the next several months.
  3. he seek mental health treatment for addictions
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 23:11

Not that it’s ok - but he hasn’t spent it in a month.

It’s been several months.

I haven’t got to the bottom of how long yet.

He had a WhatsApp group with his “team” (all men) it’s all very sad and embarrassing.

I have told one person IRL I am that mortified.

OP posts:
Thetigeronthewobbelboard · 24/02/2020 23:13

No advice on the actual issue in hand but wanted to say that I too think it’s normal to have loans to pay for big purchases like home improvements or cars.

Hollyhobbi · 24/02/2020 23:33

Unfortunately with everything being online nowadays it's even easier to gamble. And OP your husband is a gambler. Would he join Gamblers Aynomous?

Waveysnail · 24/02/2020 23:43

First things first. Seperate finances now. Move all household bills to your name and coming out of your own account. Shut down any joint accounts. Get him to transfer you bill money when he gets paid each month.

If he is willing - shut all his credit cards and change his bank account to a basic account with cash card so he cant spend online. Use one of the credit report providers and get him to show you his full credit report - moneysavingexpert has a good free one.

I live with an adhder who was also forces. I had to do the above as he dug himself into a hole and combined with PTSD it wasnt pretty. We have rules of full financial transparency and I can check his credit report any time on my phone as we set it up like that

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 25/02/2020 03:01

Well this is bollocks and classic of middle class mn where everyone can afford kitchens from their pocket change.

Well this is bollocks and classic of middle class MN to think you need a new bloody kitchen all the time!! Plenty of people have never had a new kitchen. My parents lived in our family home 20 years before changing the kitchen. Nothing else got redecorated either, just a new coat of magnolia paint in a few rooms. It was fine. No one used to shell out for getting their eyebrows done either.... hello, tweezers. People these days waste a lot of money.

sendhelpppppp · 25/02/2020 07:07

My parents lived in our family home 20 years before changing the kitchen

Yeah.. we bought a house like that and had to change the kitchen funilly enough.

longtimecomin · 25/02/2020 07:13

Leave him, the trust is gone, you'll always be questioning him and will never be happy with him. He's childish to waste that much money on a game.

Iusedtobeapartygirl · 25/02/2020 07:20

Separate your finances straight away. Separate bank accounts, direct debit /standing orders to pay off the loans plus to pay bills.

I would find it hard to trust or respect someone who spent £1500 on a game, but that's something that you have to decide.

The fact that he had debts when you met, which you helped him pay off, but now has more secret debts is very worrying.

I agree with PPs, he probably has more secret debt, and he has a gaming addiction.

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