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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money/Debt

82 replies

MrsBrentford · 23/02/2020 22:49

When I married OH 2years ago being had a lot of debt and we merged finances to pay this off which we have done (mainly).

I earn less but we have a joint account which everything goes in and out of and then we have the same amount of personal spending money.

We have got a few loans for some essential work that needed doing to the house and I bought a car. I have agreed to take in students pay for this, this is hard work for me as OH works away all week.

OH got a new credit card a few months ago and admitted he has been playing this fucking game on his phone and got £1500 into debt with it.

I was furious with him but he said he was going to pay it off with his “personal” money (the credit card).

He has then basically been using the joint account as his own account for nights out and large amounts this month (hundreds) have gone out via paypal which turns out is this game that he’s addicted to.

I have threatened to leave and divorce him He has deleted it (although made a big palava about this and leaving his “team”).

For me having a joint account is about trust and he has broken this, my wages aren’t safe (I earn 30k a year) and I am working my arse off with the students while he is flagrantly spending money like water on a fucking game.

I don’t really know where to go with this Sad

OP posts:
Bagofoldbones · 24/02/2020 21:16

Change bank and protect your money. Put your wages into a separate account.

I’d like to bet he actually owes more than you know about.

I think it’s time you show him what he has done by separating your finances. Your money is yours - his is his.

I think he is going to get you in to a lot of debt that you will have to pay back too. And that’s not fair but no way would I give him access to my wages again.

Learn your lesson or you will just be an enabler.

Bagofoldbones · 24/02/2020 21:17

So you took his debt on and paid it off?

If so no wonder he takes little regard to finances, why would he? You bailed him out and he knows you will do again.

Be careful op

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 21:18

I know I worry there is more - although all the paper bills come here and I open them but I know he could have paperless accounts.

I have looked through his phone and I can’t see anything and when he goes away (with work) I am in control of everything so would find out anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 21:19

I didn’t pay off his debt.

We merged our finances and I put a budget in place which helped him pay off debt and manage his money.

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 24/02/2020 21:21

You need to separate your finances again. Pronto. And he needs to pay you back everything.

I would not stay married to him.

Hahaha88 · 24/02/2020 21:26

You've posted for advice but then you aren't listening to any of it Hun.

  1. if you combined your finances then you financially supported paying off his debt, either by reducing his outgoing or by contributing towards the debt repayments
  2. it's only normal to have a debt for house improvements if it was vital, i.e. you needed to repair a damaged ceiling and not because you wanted to get a new kitchen.
  3. ditto the car loan unless you needed to get a car, rather than wanting a new one
  4. your oh is taking the absolute piss out of you. You need separate finances immediately as a very minimum. However don't be surprised to find he simply takes on more and more secret debt to fund his behaviour unless he takes this seriously and gets professor help.
  5. wtf racks up £1500 of debt for a blinking game then uses the joint money for piss ups as he's spending "his" money paying off his debt?? You see how disgusting that behaviour is surely?
partofthepeanutgallery · 24/02/2020 21:31

So he carried on with all his 'non-essentials, nights out, social shit, etc' out of your joint account while paying off a staggering 'gaming' bill, and still wanted to play?

I'd run, personally.

Darbs76 · 24/02/2020 21:32

He needs to understand this is last chance saloon and if you discover more debts that’s it. So he had best own up now if there’s more. Sounds like he needs some professional help. If you don’t want to give him another chance to mess up then I’d be honest and tell him that you simply can’t trust him

Lobsterquadrille2 · 24/02/2020 21:33

If you stay with him, you will have to police him constantly, from the sound of it.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 21:34

I can’t trust him can I.

I have been through severe financial hardship before I met him and sacrificed a lot to keep my house after I left my first husband who was financially controlling.

It’s shit Sad

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/02/2020 21:42

Is this joint bank account you both use to receive your salaries and pay bills from in both your names?

As far as I’m aware credit cards are considered unsecured debts, so if the shit hits the fan they can’t come to you for it. If the credit card/s are in his sole name, that is. You don’t have a joint credit card, do you?

I think what I would do is sit him down when gets back and have him register on one of those credit-file sites like Noddle or Equifax. Then you will be able to see what cards and loans he has taken out in his name and what the credit limits are et cetera. If he’s unwilling to do this with you, you will appreciate this for the red flag it is.

DO NOT threaten to leave unless you are willing to go through with it. Doing anything else will give him the idea that there is nothing you won’t put up with. This is the story of my parent’s marriage, alas and it didn’t end well.

Good luck!

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 21:43

He is actually on Noodle - that’s a really good idea, thanks 🙏

OP posts:
nancyjuice7 · 24/02/2020 22:01

Keep the joint account for food shopping only.
If he can't manage that or takes money from there then completely separate.

Regarding bills mortgage ect I'd have a separate joint account that he dosnt have access to and say to him you have to transfer me X on payday and X amount in food account.

Whatever he has left he can spend on games but he'll have no other money.

Sit down and organise his debts and minimum payments but don't do anymore, he's an adult and by the sounds of it has some gambling issue so I certainly wouldn't pay off anymore of his debt as a couple.

You need harsh boundaries here as he sees any more as gambling/chucking away money and that's not fair.

Toastytoes1 · 24/02/2020 22:05

I'm not going to say what he's done is okay but I am astounded by the amount of previous posters saying they wouldn't stay married to him..... I guess the whole for better or worse thing is only for when it suits some people. And that's not to say you should stay with someone no matter what the circumstances but let's be clear here.. you're talking about £1500; there's something seriously up with your marriage if it cannot survive wasting £1500. Yes it needs dealing with, yes you have a right to be angry but he's your husband and you need to spend more than one weekend thinking about what you're gonna do next to move past this with him. A marriage is worth more than a few grand.

Sit down and speak with him calmly, tell him why you're so worried about this, is there more that he hasn't told you about? Is there a problem with gambling that he maybe needs to get professional help with? You already combine finances do it shouldn't be difficult to sit and have an honest conversation and ask to see any accounts that you don't have access to to make sure that you're both on the same page about what debt you have outstanding and what you're going to do to tackle it. Let him know that what he's done has hurt you and worried you and ask for reassurance and evidence that it stops now and agree a plan that is going to work towards him regaining your trust.

Best of luck.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 22:06

I am not defending him but he’s not a gambler.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 22:08

@Toastytoes1

I agree, thanks.

I have also already been through a divorce and I know how traumatic it is.

OP posts:
Hahaha88 · 24/02/2020 22:13

Buying these extras in games is just like gambling, only with no hope of making the money back, only of winning levels

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 22:15

I get that - but he never ever gambles as in he’s not a gambler.

He gets obsessive about things, it’s an addiction but not gambling per say.

OP posts:
Hooferdoofer37 · 24/02/2020 22:20

He's an addict with MH issues, a couple of kids who he barely sees by the sounds of it (if he works away all the time) and he has no problem spending YOUR money getting into debt.

Don't for one minute think it's his money, because if you're having to support him by paying for his food, drinks, mortgage, loans etc whilst he's frittering it all away on daft games, then it is you who's losing out.

Does he have any redeeming features as you've yet to mention one?

Ellisandra · 24/02/2020 22:20

I would cut my losses on him. He will just drag you down.
He was in debt when you married him, and he’s back in debt now.
He will ALWAYS be in debt.
Horrible horrible way to live.

TheTrollFairy · 24/02/2020 22:21

Do a credit score on him (like Experian). I think these will tell you all the debt he has. I wouldn’t be believing that the £1500 is all he has

Ellisandra · 24/02/2020 22:22

Struggling to see how you remained sexually attracted to him when you were treating him like a child, sorting out his debt for him.
There are good men out there.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 22:22

He sees his kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 24/02/2020 22:29

I supported him to get out of some debt.

That’s not treating him like a child.

I agree his behaviour re the game is childish, but that has nothing to do with sexual attraction TBF.

OP posts:
Hooferdoofer37 · 24/02/2020 22:30

"Sees his kids" Option a)
As in once a week for a cinema trip and a Maccy Ds.

Or "sees his kids" Option b)
Meaning he does the school run at least half the week, helps with homework, packs their lunch boxes, washes and irons their clothes, cooks them nutritious meals, runs them to their extra-curricular clubs, hosts sleepovers for them and their mates, organises their birthday parties, sorts their world book day costume, helps them on educational subjects they find difficult, looks after them when they're sick etc, etc?

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