aibu about mil grandma "name"

[alwaysmoody]

Good Evening

So my mil was named mama by her eldest grandchild who is now 9. His sibling whom has just turned 2, has also followed suit in calling her this.

She calls herself mama to my dd (now 2.5) but dd doesn't call her nothing she calls all the family by names except her. (She doesn't really like her or my own mother for some reason)
She calls me mummy (thankfully) but used to call me mama.

DH has always told her to stop this as he doesn't think it sits right but the whole family are saying we are being unreasonable as it's "her name" for example, his brother will say to dd "go to mama" (meaning his mother) and dh will jump in and go "stop doing that, she's not her mama" which thankfully saves me the energy of being the "bad one"

DH says what he finds unreasonable is that he has talked to her about it but she has ignored him/us and continues to push for what she wants?

But I'm wondering if we are actually being unreasonable and maybe have just gone along with it?

"Ma-mar is quite normal here too "

Interesting that a few people are mentioning this, but I've never heard it on TV. How is it pronounced? Are you actually pronouncing the 'r' or is it Ma-mah. But then is it the posh Ma-ma or is the emphasis on the first syllable? Maybe I should watch Peaky Blinders or something...

Why not use Anay?

When and if I become a grandparent, I want them to call me by my first name!

@Clangus00 We do, but everyone seems to have a problem with it even though that's what dh siblings called their own grandmother

My kids call their grandma something different to their cousins and it’s never been a problem.

It depends how it's pronounced -
Ma-ma or
Mamar

For me, DD often calls me Mama instead of Mummy; Ma-mar is shortened for Grandmama IYKWIM

I would just let it go personally.

When and if I become a grandparent, I want them to call me by my first name!

That's exactly what we do in my family. Also no aunt/uncle business. We just call older relatives by their first names.

My granddaughter calls me Mama and DH Dada. We started off as Grandma and Grandad but this is what she chose. She knows the difference between Mama and Mummy. My daughter now uses the term and to be honest I prefer it to Grandma. I don’t see the problem.

What about Nana?

@CalleighDoodle your reply made me giggle, how does your sister react to her son calling you mummy haha if she managed to prevent him calling your mum mama! It made me giggle imagining him innocently like "oh she's called mummy" .

Mummy is like the ultimate sort of mother name, if mil wanted mummy I would have caused murders haha!

My sister’s granddaughters all call her momar - emphasis on last syllable and my sister thinks a: it’s unique to her, which it isn’t. I hear it everywhere and B: people will think she’s the girls’ mother, which they won’t because she’s too flipping old!

More annoying is one of my daughters in law who insists on her daughters calling me ‘grandma’ which I hate. My other grandkids all call me Nannan or Nan which I much prefer and I’ve said that ever since all the kids were born. It really pisses me off that the one daughter in law doesn’t respect my preference and it confuses her daughters when they hear their cousins call me Nannan.

DD has a Grandma, and Granny (my step mum) and Grandmama.

I had a Grandma, Granny, Gran Gran (Great Gran) and Nana (step-mum's mum)

DD calls me Mama (mam-a I guess) or Mummy or Mum mum.

@Lincolnfield I think you are well in your right because your preferred term isn't taking anything away from her. And I do think she should have let her daughters call you Which you prefer! It's a normal grandma name. She is being awkward, is it because her mother has taken your chosen moniker?

I had two Grandmas and it never confused me !

I'd find it weird if your MiL had always insisted age wanted to be called this. But she hasn't, it was your niece / nephew that started it and their sibling has carried it on. It's a pet name that has come about organically.

Er, no it didn't! She childminded for the eldest grandchild and taught them to call her Mama. - apparently while calling the child's mother 'nothing'. So not neutral or organic at all - a grandmother muscling in and coaching a child to give her a mother name instead of a grandmother name.

And now even when her son has said he's uncomfortable with that and doesn't think it's appropriate for his child she's insisting.

OP I would not let it go and yes I think it's a big thing. She's not mother. If she won't accept that your child will call her a grandmother name then I'd simply say fine, she'll probably see less of you then as it's confusing and we're not comfy with it.

The red flag is her insisting and trying to manipulate when the parents have said they're not happy with it. Surprised you're getting these answers tbh, no way on earth would I be happy with my child calling someone else Mama!

Does your MIL pronounce it Mam-ahhhh or Mama? My step-daughter has a Mam-ahh - it's quite a common choice (I mean frequent) in more northern areas.

@RainbowMum11 it's ma ma like the way your child probably calls you. My dd actually nicknamed by breasts "mamas" when she switched from Calling me mama to mummy lol!

I loved hearing her call me mama those short sweet months and I'm quite sentimental so it's like sensitive to me!

the whole family are saying we are being unreasonable as it's "her name"

My DM chose what she wanted the GC to know her has. It would be awful to have insisted that they call her something she doesn’t want to be known as for 40/50 + years. (The women have longevity in my family!)
If that’s how MIL is know by the other children then I see their point.

everyone seems to have a problem with it

Yep, well seeing as it's YOUR CHILD, the thing that matters is that both you and your DH have a problem with his mother wanting to be called Mama.

Smile and say - you're Anay to OUR child, if you don't like that we don't have to visit. No, Mama is what she calls me, so that isn't an option. Rinse and repeat.

@FizzyGreenWater Yes that's correct, she then taught the eldest to call his mother "mama first name" which he still does to this day, but most commonly just "mum"

This is exactly my issue! Is that even though dh her son has had so many nice talks with her she still insists. I really didn't want to drip feed, but when dd started calling me mama at first (when she started to speak) she would but in and go "no that's "always moody" I'm mama" and tried to steal it so I went low contact. Even now she calls me "mummy first name" to her? Which my dh has corrected her with "no she's just mummy, there is only one mother" but the siblings insist we are over reacting! (Maybe they don't have children so they don't understand, my eldest sil with the other grandchildren has only commented on it to me saying "you choose what dd calls her but she will probably copy her cousins". But we only see her a few times a year anyway because she lives far.

And this has resulted in from weekly visits to Mils house to once a month!

@alwaysmoody the girls call her mum Grandma as well and she’s so poe faced about it. Generally I get on well with her but the name thing has been a bit of a battle ever since the girls were born. I’ve asked lots of times for them not to call me Grandma but she insists it’s the ‘proper’ name and she doesn’t like Nannan!

@FizzyGreenWater also with sil last child she did try calling mil "anay" which worked but after a weekend she let her mum babysit her child was calling her mama lol

I think you're being a bit precious TBH. Your DD isn't gonna get your MIL confused with you

I’m sort of with the rest of your family but probably that’s because I know quite a few ‘mama’ grandmothers and the DGCs have never got confused between their mummies and their mamas

Dd calls my mother 'Marmar' for grandma...
not to be confused with ' mummy, mummy mummy mummy mummy, MUMMY, mmmmuuuuummmmmmeeeeeeeee' which is what she calls me. Even if I am right next to her... 🤦‍♀️