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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Play date behaviour - advice

80 replies

Sassenach85 · 23/02/2020 14:48

Not really AIBU I know, but I am looking for a wide range of advice tbh

I have a DD who has just started having play dates and one thing I find tricky to manoeuvre is how to deal with bad behaviour of the other child?

So far 2 mums have dropped their kids off at my door and have left me in charge, this is fine and not an issue but if the child is cheeky, domineering, rude or badly behaved I feel like there must be a way of dealing with it without putting the kids off from wanting to return!

I am a primary school teacher lol I don’t know if I am setting my standards too high but I’m just looking for more experienced mums to share any useful tips on this?

Thanks

OP posts:

FudgeBrownie2019 · 23/02/2020 16:44

Unfortunately it gets worse. I get on nicely with teenagers at work but in my home they're (dc friends) very grating. Worst bit is how old and out of date and irrelevant, while still expecting to be served - that they find me.

I've found the very opposite to be true; DS1's teen mates are just lovely. They might occasionally swear or make a daft comment but they're also great company and love being here. We cook for them often and we all sit around the table together; I think there are a couple of them who come solely for that family time and the chaos of a regular home. I expect them to set or clear the table and not one of them moans - they probably roll their eyes behind my back but as teens go I've no complaints.

Brefugee · 23/02/2020 16:45

I felt too awful saying to the mum well actually, he behaved appallingly. I wish I could have been honest but i couldn't bring myself to.

Well that does nobody any favours, does it? Because if you invite them again you get more of the same or worse, and the parent doesn't know why you're suddenly busy all the time if you decide never to have them back.

I didn't have too many badly behaved episodes, but I always said to the parent that x hadn't wanted to keep to our house rules or whatever and that next time it would be the same. Never had any issues.

MsTSwift · 23/02/2020 16:53

Our problem is our own kids are well behaved and easy going -I think we are stricter than some other parents. So we aren’t used to drama or disobedience

We aren’t teachers either so at a recent birthday treat outing confronted with Verruca Salt aged 10 having a tantrum because she wanted something we wouldn’t give in on dh was quite firm which went down badly. The kid started wailing and whining we couldn’t believe it.

MimiLaRue · 23/02/2020 16:57

No it doesnt but how do you tell someone their kid has been a brat? and what happens if next time he does the same even after youve said something. Sorry but its not my responsibility to school someone else on the behaviour of their kid. From what this kid was doing, he clearly did it at home too. Thats on the parents not on me FGS

Oblomov20 · 23/02/2020 16:58

Both my ds's are older. I've never had a naughty child, all my ds's friends who I've had over have been perfectly delightful.

Brefugee · 23/02/2020 17:15

No it doesnt but how do you tell someone their kid has been a brat?

I used to say something like "unfortunately X didn't want to keep to our house rules so we had words" or something. You don't have to say anything about the child's behaviour at any other time except that play date. And now I think about it I did call one party guest's parents to collect them when they were being brattish and really misbehaving - the sibling was allowed to stay. I got an apology from them next time I was at the school for something, and since it seemed sincere they were allowed back, and didn't misbehave.

I often think that people make a rod for their own backs by always wanting to seem nice and not confronting small things immediately.

MimiLaRue · 23/02/2020 17:17

I often think that people make a rod for their own backs by always wanting to seem nice and not confronting small things immediately

Whilst this is very true, its not uncommon for parents to become ridiculously defensive when it comes to their kids. Even on MN you get parents saying a teacher was wrong and theyre going to complain for stopping their precious child texting during lessons etc..
To be honest, sometimes the easiest option is to say nothing and just not invite them again

billy1966 · 23/02/2020 17:23

OP, you have to address the behaviour with the children.
Once or twice I had children that were a bit difficult.
I described it as "oh you must be so tired because you are not doing what I've asked. I'll call mummy to collect you as you are so tired"...whilst looking at them very firmly🤨.

Worked every time. I would neither tolerate a badly behaved child, nor entertain them again if it continued.

I never saw it as my job to fix other people's children.

Enko · 23/02/2020 17:39

I am according to my children's friends a strict parent.

There are rules in our house they are to be followed. They are to be followed to if they are allowed in your home. When my children go to their houses then the rules of that house applies.

Mine are now between 16 and 22 and ours is the house they hang out in. It is not unusual on a Sunday morning to wake up to 4-6 16-18-year-olds. I never get an attitude from them now. it is please thank you and see you soon as they leave. They still tell my children that we are strict but we also get told they like it.

I would not permit cheese sandwiches being trodden into the carpet. They would have been removed from the child. They would be told they can sit and eat them at the table but nowhere else. Yes, I have had children complain to their parents. However, I am comfortable with stating " yes I do not allow them to walk around with it and drop it on the floor" the wast majority of parents are mortified and the kid gets told off. I have had a few " oh we allow that they are only small once" It is met with a " we do not permit it in this house"

DD1 had a friend who was a very fussy eater. When she came to our house she ate everything I served including things she would not eat at home. I suspect it has to do with the first time she was at our house I served pasta and she told me she " only ate the butterfly pasta" I told her tough it was the curly pasta here and she could eat it or leave it She ate and never once after told me she wouldn't eat what I had served.

I am of the firm belief of they follow the rules of the house they are in. It is a part of that village our children need to grow up rounded and well adjusted.

SheldonSaysSo1 · 23/02/2020 17:39

If they were being cheeky I would usually say "It seems you aren't enjoying yourself so shall I take you home?" That works for most children. Try to ignore things as much as possible but anything that goes too far then either threaten taking them home or address things generally " It's just the cleaning spray that smells lets not be rude. Why don't you go and play with x?"

Original poster

Sassenach85 · 23/02/2020 17:43

I know it’s not my job to alter their behaviour and I know I don’t care if they “like” me or not but this new added complexity for me is that it affects my dd and now, without the child’s own parent there to play bad cop it fell to me and I was just wondering how to deal with it ...

The added aspect is that it’s such a small
Circle in this class and whether or not I wanted a child back at my home, my dd is best friends with them and they all play together at school all day.

I’m maybe not wording what I feel quite as eloquently as I could lol. It’s not a huge deal I just thought other views and opinions would be interesting to hear. Lots of good points and a general consensus to follow your instincts and rules are rules.

OP posts:

oxoxoxoxo · 23/02/2020 17:46

Agree with Sally and others, you should manage awful behaviour within reason, but let most of it go. It's hard to tell someone else's child to eat with their mouth shut if they aren't taught that at home - although it does make for interesting conversations with your own child afterwards.....

My DTs are 11 but have had some very tricky friends for playdates, including some looked-after children, and one girl who is pleasant enough but very 'me, me, me....'. The former included a girl who wanted food all the time, and they used to run through the house barefoot with muddy feet - I could scream but their stepmum was a star and the kids had had a difficult start in life, so I was just pleased to see them have fun. The other girl leaves all her food and talks about herself all the time - my DD and I have discussed it but she's old enough now to laugh it off, and they get on well so it's all good.

Generally I think it's easy to be judgemental (I am....!!!) but if the children are having fun and no-one is getting hurt, then let it go. Ten years time they'll probably have left home....

fedup21 · 23/02/2020 17:49

Are you having two friends over at once? I don’t think I ever did that in all my years of having kids. Play dates were always one child and I did pull them up on rudeness or bad behaviour. I didn’t issue a repeat invitation to anyone that I was unimpressed with!

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood through. It sounds like she has two friends-I’d have them over separately. Do the two girls invite your DD as well as the other girl at every play date?

Original poster

Sassenach85 · 23/02/2020 17:57

It’s only been one at a time yes and lots of great times have been had but usually the best play dates have involved mums staying for a coffee, Lol

OP posts:

SluggishSnail · 23/02/2020 18:02

#Enko

Ha ha, I am exactly the same! I dealt with kids "telling" their parents at pick up time as you do:
"yes, in this family no-one is allowed to eat the cake out of the party bag in the car, we come home and put it on a plate"
"yes, in this house no-one is allowed to use my make up"
"yes, in this house we are only allowed to draw on paper"

Boundaries are definitely a good thing! Anyway, I didn't want to undo all the work I'd put in (3 DC in 4 years. We had a lot of house rules!)

ThisHereMamaBear · 23/02/2020 18:03

I too am a primary school teacher and have to repeat to myself "this is not my classroom" over and over. I ignore any excitable behaviour but would pick them up on anything rude, obvs in a friendly way! I've always thought my ds was so well behaved but he told me he might have annoyed a mummy on a play date as they were all shouting "bum,bum,bum" at the dinner table!

Original poster

Sassenach85 · 23/02/2020 18:08

well haven’t we all? Lol

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 23/02/2020 18:12

Learning how to behave as a guest is as important as you learning to host play dates. Virtually every family will have slightly different rules and expectations. It’s fine to give calm and pleasant instructions and also to intervene if it’s all going a bit wrong.

Kids do get very overexcited about play dates and that can translate into bratty behaviour even if they are usually well behaved. Keep the dates quite short, have a couple of ideas up your sleeve and leave them to it a bit are my tips.

I did always make a point of expecting please and thank you. For some reason I can’t stand that to be missing. But many parents don’t care. Unless you shout and are mean no children will mind you telling them what you expect.

Original poster

Sassenach85 · 23/02/2020 18:18

A few examples to ponder?? What would you do if a child:

Walks away while you’re talking to them - deliberately

In work that would be easy for me to handle with my stern voice but to a visitor in my home... a 5 year old? Trickier lol

OP posts:

BrokenMumTeenDD · 23/02/2020 18:23

.. I suppose, do you let a lot of stuff “go” as it’s a playdate and as it’s not your child?

No, that isn't a good message to your own DD, my tactic always was to get down on their level & tell them kindly, but firmly that "the rules in this house are that we don't do that" followed up with a clear explanation of what they did wrong & a few more warnings & one warning that they go hime if they continue & then send home if they do continue. I only ever got to sending home on one occasion & that was a good friends DD & tbh, I think it did friend good to see me sending her home, because she had some real horror stories of extremely badly behaved kids in play dates at her house & just put up with it, even when a radiator was deliberately ripped off a wall

BrokenMumTeenDD · 23/02/2020 18:27

In work that would be easy for me to handle with my stern voice but to a visitor in my home... a 5 year old? Trickier lol

Not trickier at all, you deal with it in exactly the same way, but prefixed with "we don't walk away like that when spoken to in this house"

You're trained for this & how do you expect your DD to feel if it's one rule for her & another for her guests? Be consistent & you'll be fine & if they continue to be defiant & don't want to come again. Result 😂

Original poster

Sassenach85 · 23/02/2020 18:32

Ahhh I know you’re right I just didn’t want to embarrass dd I guess ... what a lot of palaver over nothing

OP posts:

SmallChickBilly · 23/02/2020 19:01

I probably enforce about 75% of the normal house rules when we have guests round. There are some small things I will let go for both my kids and their friends because I know they are excited and I don't want a stand-off when I've got additional kids to deal with. The non-negotiable rules that are in place to keep everyone safe are enforced relatively gently - I try to get them on board with the rules and explain why we have them so that they feel as though they are a part of the household while they are there.

So far we have a number of regular guests, including some that come for hours over the holidays, so it seems to be going well. My mum was a teacher and was a little less flexible - she would try and trick my friends into grassing me up for things I had done at school and get them to tell her what homework we had to check whether it corroborated my version of events. Needless to say, we would usually go to others' houses rather than coming to mine!

BackforGood · 23/02/2020 19:56

I usually say don't do that/ say that in our house please, with a look, and that's enough.

This ^
Particularly as a teacher, you should be able to be clear what is / isn't acceptable and to communicate firmly but without being nasty.

In your own home, you set the rules of what is / isn't acceptable and expect other dc to follow, as you would expect your own dc to follow.

D4rwin · 23/02/2020 20:21

No. I don't let stuff "go" as my own children need to see an example of boundaries. If guests can get away with everything they might act up.for others/ let guests disrespect them etc.

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