Play date behaviour - advice

[Sassenach85]

Not really AIBU I know, but I am looking for a wide range of advice tbh

I have a DD who has just started having play dates and one thing I find tricky to manoeuvre is how to deal with bad behaviour of the other child?

So far 2 mums have dropped their kids off at my door and have left me in charge, this is fine and not an issue but if the child is cheeky, domineering, rude or badly behaved I feel like there must be a way of dealing with it without putting the kids off from wanting to return!

I am a primary school teacher lol I don’t know if I am setting my standards too high but I’m just looking for more experienced mums to share any useful tips on this?

Thanks

To make an informed comment I would need more information- so what are the examples of 'bad behaviour' in these, I presume, 6 year olds?

I treat visiting children as I go my own, so cheeky and domineering behaviour wouldn’t be tolerated, why would it? Children behave as you expect them to within the boundaries you have in place. I’d also be absolutely fine if my child was told by a different adult. I’ve never had a child not want to come back either.

I did wonder about the child going home and mum saying did you enjoy yourself and child saying no her mum kept telling me off and I wasn’t even rude etc etc

I think I feel fairly confident with how I handled it based on replies, thank you, also good to hear some good phrases about getting your point across without terrifying them I don’t normally mince my words

You say your daughter is six, why has it taken her so long to have 'play dates'? Having a couple of friends around to play doesn't have to be a formal thing but you don't have to put up with bad, destructive behaviour. As far as children saying things is concerned, they are at an age where they say what comes into their heads based on their observations, they learn tact later.

Mine had other children round all the time and they did what they liked, especially in good weather in the garden - built camps, put on concerts, all sorts. We didn't talk about 'play dates' in those days, it was just being with friends. I kept an eye on them of course and fed them.

I don't have to tell you that children learn from play, it's very constructive. They also learn to rub along with others and that it takes all sorts. Try to be a bit more casual and not take things to heart.

My rule of thumb was always not to accept behaviour from other children that I would not accept from my own. I also found children can adapt well to different rules in different houses. Just be calm, clear and consistent about what you expect - probably not that much different from class!

Still curious as to what constitutes bad behaviour in this age group. I don't see how anyone could say you've handled anything well or otherwise without examples.

Running around saying 'it stinks' if you've bleached everywhere, aged 6, is not naughty in my opinion.

I tend to only have kids I know well round for longer periods. I have full permission from closer friends/parents to parent as they would.

So if I get cheek or bad behaviour I'm stern but calm. I probably prompt pleases and thank yous 50/50 as well. Sometimes I can't be bothered. But we're super hot on it with DD so I want her to see consistency.

Others people children are a nightmare in your own home. I think its especially hard if you're a teacher (I'm one too). You don't have the same authority to pull them in line as you do in class. Nowhere like it!

Just put up with it for the sake of your kids.

Unfortunately it gets worse. I get on nicely with teenagers at work but in my home they're (dc friends) very grating. Worst bit is how old and out of date and irrelevant, while still expecting to be served - that they find me.
When younger I had all sorts of random insulting comments. Kids notice anything different to their home. Also they were often domineering and entitled and supercilious. Different kids over the years. I think its a middle class thing. They manage to park it at school as they're told to respect school.

I think it is a balance. Mine are grown up now but my house was always open house, summer holidays normally ended up with a variety of kids sleeping in "tents" (sheets draped over furniture) and spending lots of time here. The balance was they behaved themselves.

I look back very fondly on the chaos and a few years ago when my mum died I looked at all the handsome young men who came to support my family and remembered them as the little monkeys who slept in their "tents" and became part of the family.

Being cheeky - no not if they want to come back.

Same rules for everyone in my house, whether it’s my kids, family or guests. They all get told the same if they misbehave.

You say your daughter is six, why has it taken her so long to have 'play dates'?
^ helpful

I've never accepted behaviour from other children in my house that I wouldn't accept from my own - not eating isn't part of that, because they might not like the food, or they might not feel like eating, and I'd never force them to eat because that's not down to me - but misbehaving, rudeness, not sharing, destructive behaviour etc. is not allowed.

When eating (if they do) then they are sat down with a plate or a bowl or whatever and told that's the only way they can have the whatever-it-is - if they want to get up and move around then the whatever-it-is stays on the table (or at least on the plate!)

If they're not sharing, or being mean, then I'll say "things are shared in this house, X, so when you're here you need to share too".

I expect they do think I'm a bit strict as well but I've never had any problems with them coming back so far, although we don't "do" a lot of playdates because I'm not much of a fan of them.

I think you just have to be true to what you would normally do with your own DD - otherwise it can create confusion for her as well, if her friends are allowed to get away with stuff that she isn't.

I think its especially hard if you're a teacher (I'm one too). You don't have the same authority to pull them in line as you do in class. Nowhere like it!

Of course you do!! It's your home!!

You don't have to start off with too strict a tone, but if you're ignored you keep going till they do what they're told or they go home!

I don’t think you will put the children off coming a long as you are firm and kind. They may have no boundaries or very strict ones at home. Perhaps they are extremely excited about going to your house for play dates and turn into headless chickens.

I agree with starting softly and then getting firmer. I’ve had things happen at my house, which I think some other parents would not put up with. I even had a child, who waited til the last minute ended up pooing in my garden and as no one told me, the dog ate it! I haven’t banned the child but I did talk to her about what to do the next time she came over.

No one has ever purposely damaged my things or hurt my animals. This would be a deal breaker. Children have broken things accidentally or by being heavy handed with things.

My dd has at times turned into a controlling diva with some play dates here, never at others houses and when she was younger she used to squabble constantly with one of her friends. We stopped play dates for a while as i was constantly refereeing. It’s all fine now.

Definitely don't accept bad behaviour without challenge. They're young enough, they'll get used to that being the way it is in your house.

I guess it's also a matter of continuity. If playdate is allowed to be rude and not then not picked up on it, then is will seem unfair to your dd. FWIW I think you sounds like you have just the right balance.

Oh and when a child was rude about something some of the times I ignored it. Other times I said something or gave “the look”. As for food, i always made sure the child would eat what I provided. Dd was very fussy so I used to tell parents before she went to anyone’s houses. Nuggets were a go to for some years.

Didn’t you ask the parents about food? For me this is standard and in my experience something parents tend to do.

Perhaps it depends where you live... I completely disagree with Clockonmantlepiece that it gets worse - teens are no trouble at all, I generally barely see them. Whilst of course they might privately believe I'm irrelevant and old fashioned (which is no skin off my nose) they certainly don't expect to be served! Etiquette is that the teen or child asks the teen or child they're visiting if they need something, and if permission is required my own teen or child asks me, if not my own teen or child is host to their own guests and once over a certain mid primary age does the drinks and snacks etc.

Dc3 had had some entitled friends a couple of years ago who demand I make them pancakes (because I did last time, but last time I offered) or demand to play console games or expect to be allowed into my bedroom and the bedrooms of dc1 and dc2, but the answer is a flat no. If you pander to that type of behaviour in a 7 or 8 year old the child will still be coming over and treating you like a servant when they're 17.

Those friends all behave when here now, and I've never had any problems with teens in our house, even the ones the kids met for the first time when starting secondary.

The problems we've had with teens have been outside our house - other parents allowing 14 year olds alcohol at a party, or not telling 11 and 12 year olds to settle down and go to sleep at any point resulting in collecting a tearful mess who'd been awake 26 hours straight.

They're fine in our house though - I'm an ex secondary teacher and now work with vulnerable teens and young adults and don't think this in any way disadvantages me in dealing with my children's friends, the opposite probably.

Another idea: we had house rules on a printed notice. Weird, but the kids obeyed the house rules without question. They were all expressed positively. Eg eat at the table in the kitchen.

Same rules for guests as my kids in this house. I’m pretty sure my kids friends hate it when they come round and I am in rather than my DH. Doesn’t stop them coming though.

To the person who asked about frequency of play dates, she’s had play dates before obviously (nursery friends) it’s only now I am finding some parents happy to drop n go. So it changes it all a bit.

The behaviour really wasn’t terrible, trust me I have plenty experience of that at work, it was just disrespectful and bad manners really. Also refusal to follow orders. I had to literally carry one child out of my house as they refused to leave without taking one of Dds toys

I was always brought up to be extra well behaved at another house, to another grown up.

I really appreciate the responses, thanks.

I tended to do playdays after inviting their parents first for a coffee , can usually gauge then attitudes to behaviour and if your kids are going to be compatible

I think it's fine to correct children who are in your home; I have two DC and would expect them to behave beautifully, but would also accept that if they didn't, they'd be told off.

We often have a house full of their friends and all of them without fail behave well; partly because they're generally good kids but also because I'm not afraid to say "that's not ok, think about how you're speaking" to them and tell them when they've overstepped. It's a balance and I wouldn't want them to feel they didn't want to return, but I also don't think you need to tolerate bad manners from anyone, ever. They keep coming back, though, so it can't be that bad.

I was very stern with one little boy aged about seven who thought it was fun to bounce on the sofa and climb around the room without touching the floor on his first visit. He’s been my sons closest friend since and they’re 25 now. His mother would have been horrified but neither the lad nor I mentioned it for many years but we both remember it and laugh about it now.
Children sometimes just think they can get away with blue murder. They know they can’t and accept boundaries.
I’ve always imposes same expectations around behaviour for my own children and any young visitors (with or without parents).

Stop behaviour you don't like with firm stating of house rules as in, "In this house, we don't..." etc.