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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mother in law needs to be more considerate.

71 replies

CD14 · 23/02/2020 13:57

I’ve just lost a close family member of mine. I’m still in shock but devastated and don’t really appreciate mil being this way.

I have two young children with my partner of 8 years.. I’m a stay at home parent and he works. I do everything around the house (he literally doesn’t do a thing in the house) but he’s a brilliant hands on father, he takes them out, bathed them, puts them to bed, takes them to school when he can. He likes being a hands on father.

I’ve relied on him a lot this last few days. He’s had some time off work so I could be with my family (only for a few hours each day then I’m home so not overnight or anything). But he’s home with them a lot more than usual without me here, he’s had to step up and do some chores etc. He’s fine about it, kids are happy, I’m getting there.

Mil visited yesterday. She’s telling me I’m expecting him to do much, he needs to rest etc, he will get ill.

He’s just being a bloody father!

She’s quite old fashioned at the best of times. She believes dinner should be on the table, the mother needs to do everything for the kids etc etc.

Aibu to think she’s being a complete twat at this time.

It’s not like I’m sitting around expecting OH to do everything. I am grieving for someone!

Bearing in mind I’ve just got back home from seeing family now I’m gonna have to clean somewhat, Do the massive pile of dishes, do laundry, go food shopping, get uniforms and bags ready for tomorrow etc etc.

Now I’m feeling incredibly guilty that I expect too much of Oh. He does do a lot with the kids but like I said does not have to bloody lift a finger housework wise normally!

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 23/02/2020 14:01

He won't get ill from doing more housework than normal! Especially when his normal is zero.

I think he has a good deal if he usually does absolutely nothing. And at moments of crisis a partner should be able to step up and do more. I see no reason why he couldn't take over most or all of the above tasks for today.

katy1213 · 23/02/2020 14:05

Tell her that exposure to housework will boost his immune system
Or tell her to butt out.

messolini9 · 23/02/2020 14:23

She’s telling me I’m expecting him to do much, he needs to rest etc, he will get ill.

Maybe you need some bland phrases to trot out which sound soothing but also act to create a boundary?

"Try not to worry MiL - we are able to run our household between us."
"We're both adults, we communicate well & are happy sharing responsibility."

If that doesn't work -
"I don't need your negative commentary, I am grieving, your son is supporting me, mind your own business."

HairyDogsOfThigh · 23/02/2020 14:29

I think i would avoid her as much as possible during this time. People like her aren't looking to be reasonable and understanding and you haven't got enough head space to have an argument with her, so smile and nod and remove yourself from her. You know it's not unreasonable for your dh to step up and support you.

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/02/2020 14:36

I would tell your husband about your conversation and how much his Mothers lack of empathy has upset you
Like you say he’s just being a Dad and supporting his family as he should. Frankly if his Mother is going to be so nasty and judgemental it would be better if your DH went to her house for visits
Your home no rules!

mantarays · 23/02/2020 14:37

If a close member of my family had just died and my MIL was like this with me, I would ask her to leave because I was grieving.

thefourgp · 23/02/2020 14:40

Totally agree with what Mess said. Sorry for your loss OP. X

user32564567 · 23/02/2020 14:40

I think your DH should have done the dishes ,laundry and shopping etc.

puds11 · 23/02/2020 14:42

Sounds like she’s a complete twat all the time!

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2020 14:43

Sorry for your loss.

And whilst I'm glad you think your DH is stepping up, I actually think (apart from parenting his children) that he's doing the bare minimum.

And your mother-in-law needs to mind her own business. Does he say anything to her?

WorraLiberty · 23/02/2020 14:47

Jesus, it sounds like both you and your MIL except nothing from this man.

Why would you have to come home to all that?

Cherrysoup · 23/02/2020 14:49

Tell her to fuck off out of your house or here’s an idea-she could bloody well help with the housework rather than moaning!

iklboo · 23/02/2020 14:51

He will get ill? Ask her with what.

Oldraver · 23/02/2020 14:56

MIL...I’m expecting him to do much, he needs to rest etc, he will get ill.

YOU...Dont be so fucking ridiculous

Connie222 · 23/02/2020 15:02

He’s just doing what he should be doing, although agree with Pp who asked why you’ve come home to so much today?

He could have done all or most of that while you were out.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 23/02/2020 15:06

*Jesus, it sounds like both you and your MIL except nothing from this man.

Why would you have to come home to all that?*

Agreed. My dad was as blokey and macho as they come, yet whenever my mum was sick he did the dishes and cooked.

Butterymuffin · 23/02/2020 15:09

What would happen if you were in hospital, or ill enough to need to stay in bed? He should be able to cope himself in those scenarios and this isn't that much different.

Bikerider2020 · 23/02/2020 15:10

It sounds like he's done fuck all anyway, if you've got to do all that what bloody housework has he done.

Tell her to mind her own business.

CatteStreet · 23/02/2020 15:14

I am guessing now is probably not the time to tackle this, but it's not normal or OK for your dh to do nothing in the house in the usual run of things, whether you're a SAHM or not. Why does he do nothing? And how do you feel about that? As for being a brilliant hands-on father, would you refer to yourself as a brilliant hands-on mother? If not, then he is just doing what one does as a parent. He's not 'brilliant'.

As for your MIL, I think I would go the route of a bright smile and a 'do you think so?' to every one of her comments. No other engagement with them.

RuggerHug · 23/02/2020 15:16

I'd tell her he's not doing as much as you manage every day without collapsing as you're grieving, would she prefer if you handed her a list of jobs to 'help' him out with?

QueenArseClangers · 23/02/2020 15:22

MIL is a twat and so is her son. Are we still using the phrase ‘hands on father’ to describe a man who does the bare minimum interaction with his children? Would you ever describe yourself as a ‘hands in mum’?

And why does he do nothing? Why do you have to work 24 but he clocks off when he gets home?
Me and DH have 5 kids and we’re a team. When I was a SAHM I did as much as possible whilst he was out then anything that needed doing we shared 50/50 when he came back from work.
Why hasn’t he coped with the laundry/dishes etc whilst you’ve been away?

diddl · 23/02/2020 15:25

"Bearing in mind I’ve just got back home from seeing family now I’m gonna have to clean somewhat, Do the massive pile of dishes, do laundry, go food shopping, get uniforms and bags ready for tomorrow etc etc."

So he hasn't done anything apart from feed the kids?

Get him off his fucking arse & doing some of it!

mellicauli · 23/02/2020 15:26

Tell her 350,000 single parents work full time and manage their own households for decades at a time without getting ill. Say your husband is probably robust enough to last a few days.

Original poster

CD14 · 23/02/2020 15:26

Thanks all. My partner is not very domesticated. He has hoovered today and cooked. But he isn’t the best at cleaning - probably because his mum did it all for his stepdad and set this example.

I can’t moan about him really. He is a brilliant father, baths them, does their school work, puts them into bed, does the school run when he can, takes them out etc.

She’s just very old fashioned in her views. It’s been an issue for a while but I feel she should have been more sympathetic this week.

She goes on how he does long hours and needs to chill when he gets home and I do everything. I’m planning to go back to work soon so which of us going to chill when we are home?!

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 23/02/2020 15:28

Mums and their sons lol. I hope my boys are much better behaved when they are grown up and fathers.
Just keep away from her. Shes not helpful xx

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