To think my mother in law needs to be more considerate.

[CD14]

I’ve just lost a close family member of mine. I’m still in shock but devastated and don’t really appreciate mil being this way.

I have two young children with my partner of 8 years.. I’m a stay at home parent and he works. I do everything around the house (he literally doesn’t do a thing in the house) but he’s a brilliant hands on father, he takes them out, bathed them, puts them to bed, takes them to school when he can. He likes being a hands on father.

I’ve relied on him a lot this last few days. He’s had some time off work so I could be with my family (only for a few hours each day then I’m home so not overnight or anything). But he’s home with them a lot more than usual without me here, he’s had to step up and do some chores etc. He’s fine about it, kids are happy, I’m getting there.

Mil visited yesterday. She’s telling me I’m expecting him to do much, he needs to rest etc, he will get ill.

He’s just being a bloody father!

She’s quite old fashioned at the best of times. She believes dinner should be on the table, the mother needs to do everything for the kids etc etc.

Aibu to think she’s being a complete twat at this time.

It’s not like I’m sitting around expecting OH to do everything. I am grieving for someone!

Bearing in mind I’ve just got back home from seeing family now I’m gonna have to clean somewhat, Do the massive pile of dishes, do laundry, go food shopping, get uniforms and bags ready for tomorrow etc etc.

Now I’m feeling incredibly guilty that I expect too much of Oh. He does do a lot with the kids but like I said does not have to bloody lift a finger housework wise normally!

And to think that people used to work in poorhouses and mills!

You say she's old fashioned in her views, but you're catering to it too. I think you should expect more, tbh. He's a grown up and should be an equal partner. Your job shouldn't be 24/7 while he gets to the 'fun' stuff at home that he enjoys while you do all the grunt work.

Expect more.

I’d expect the input your husband does as a vv bare minimum. You write about him like he’s a hero, he’s just parenting and doing bare min around the house. Granted you don’t work, but if he was single and working he’d still have to cook and clean for himself. He’s struck gold never having to lift a finger around the house.

It’s no wonder he isn’t very domesticated if he has gone from one women doing it all for him to another. Tell the mother in law to mind her own business, her son is a fully grown man not a delicate helpless flower.

If my DH had a brother, I would swear we had the same MIL!

I remember when DD was a tiny newborn and DS was a toddler - DH was in the habit of popping to the local supermarket to pick up some food during his lunch hour at work. One day I asked him if he could also pick up a birthday card while he was in there.

I stress - he was going to the supermarket anyway to buy his own lunch. He had a whole hour long break.

MIL found out I had asked for this help and I was roundly castigated for daring to ask him to take time out of his busy day to help me out. Apparently he had enough on with his working day and I should have taken a newborn and a toddler out for a trip to the shops to pick one up myself instead!

She’d hate your dh being married to me. I’m disabled and chronically ill. Dh used to do a lot. Still does. We have cleaners as neither of us can do it for different reasons ie I’m too ill and he does a lot of what the average sahm would do normally. I definitely don’t cook for him every day. He could go weeks without me making him one meal when I was most poorly. I struggled to feed me. Then there was dd to think about. As a capable adult, he can do stuff much like your dh.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m surprised you haven’t lost it with her.

I'm sorry for your loss, and it's great that your DH is being supportive.

Ignore your MIL, it's none of her business. You don't need to tell her that. Just carry on living your life the way that suits you and DH best.

OP, I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for your loss. It must be a deeply hard time.

(And yes, your MIL is being an asshole. Tell your husband to tell her to step back.)

There's nothing wrong with OP doing most (or even all) of the housework, normally, if this arrangement works for them. He goes to work to earn money and she stays home to keep the house and take care of the children.

The problem here is the MIL who won't mind her own business (as long as she's not had her marching orders from OP's husband, in which case he's a problem, too).

Yes, when OP has a job, the division of labour will have to shift, but this idea that there's something almost morally wrong with one partner doing all the cooking and cleaning while the other brings home the income is ridiculous. It might be old-fashioned, but if it works for the couple in question, it's fine.

Queen, v good point, hands on dad /hands on mum and with dm like his no wonder.

It doesn't sound like she like you very much op.

Re the brightly smiling '' do you think so 'I think that's a good idea for other times but when your raw and grieving one shouldn't be put in that position.

I think she is being unreasonable obv .The problem is that in the past ,men often worked long hours, and were in quite hard manual labour work. Meaning many wives who stayed at home picked up the slack .Not really so much now. Just say to her hes helping me out isnt he a whiz and give her a big smile!

So sorry OP for your loss.

The bar seems very very low if you've come home to that mess!

Your MIL needs to be asked to mind her own business and leave your home if she won't.

She's raised a lazy man who does the minimum it seems.

I wouldn't be listening to that in my home from anyone.

Blather...

What happened and how did Mil find out about mess? That's disgusting.

MIL is being ridiculous, I’m not terribly diplomatic in these situations and would have told her to go home.
While it seems your husband does his share of the parenting I suspect when you go back to work he will just expect you continue to do everything you do now and work, you need to address this before you start work.

Stare her out and say, ‘I am grieving, Maud, do you mind not talking about how we run our family!”. Seriously, tell her to wind her neck or or get your DP to stand up to her.

Thanks all. I really don’t mind doing chores. I actually enjoy cleaning (yes I know).. he does work long hours and he does some diy and gardening stuff. He didn’t have much time today as he took the children out for some fresh air and DS had a bad fall whilst at the park and he was comforting him.. I’m grateful he will take them out even when I’m not grieving he takes them out and about!

Once I was in the supermarket with the Dc around tea time (bearing in mind I usually get it delivered) I was on the way back from visiting family. I bumped into mil and I told her oh was at home and cooking for us (he does cook quite a lot including tonight so not all that bad). She didn’t like that he was cooking for me despite that he was at home on his own and I had been out with Dc for ages!! 🤬

Obviously this is a difficult time for the OP and her partner needs to do more.

But I don't agree that she has a difficult life normally.

If I was working full time and my partner was a stay at home parent to two school age children, I'd expect him to do all the housework.

Make your mind up OP - first you say he does literally nothing around the house and then you reel off a list of stuff he does, including cooking often!

In normal circumstances it's fine for OP to do the bulk of the housework etc. But I'd expect him to step up if OP was grieving and spending time with her family.

I don't think she should be coming home to piles of dishes.

@Gemma2019 I said on my original post he’s a brilliant father. I’ve never once said he is not. Sometimes he has more patience with them than I do but he does not do much housework wise.

My post wasn’t to moan about him. My post was about mil and how she thinks he does too much and makes me feel guilty..

He didn’t have much time today as he took the children out for some fresh air and DS had a bad fall whilst at the park and he was comforting him.

Sorry but I actually laughed aloud at that. He didn't have time to do a lot today because he was comforting a child who fell. That's scraping the barrel for an excuse right there.

Ignore her. Years ago, I had a wuiet moan to my mother-in-law as my baby had had a big intervention with general anaesthetic that day , dh was abroad and never bothered to ask how it went etc.

She wrote me a type written 2 A4 page letter putting me in my place.

In end I ignored it. Best thing as there was no come back from her.