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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother in law needs to be more considerate.

71 replies

CD14 · 23/02/2020 13:57

I’ve just lost a close family member of mine. I’m still in shock but devastated and don’t really appreciate mil being this way.

I have two young children with my partner of 8 years.. I’m a stay at home parent and he works. I do everything around the house (he literally doesn’t do a thing in the house) but he’s a brilliant hands on father, he takes them out, bathed them, puts them to bed, takes them to school when he can. He likes being a hands on father.

I’ve relied on him a lot this last few days. He’s had some time off work so I could be with my family (only for a few hours each day then I’m home so not overnight or anything). But he’s home with them a lot more than usual without me here, he’s had to step up and do some chores etc. He’s fine about it, kids are happy, I’m getting there.

Mil visited yesterday. She’s telling me I’m expecting him to do much, he needs to rest etc, he will get ill.

He’s just being a bloody father!

She’s quite old fashioned at the best of times. She believes dinner should be on the table, the mother needs to do everything for the kids etc etc.

Aibu to think she’s being a complete twat at this time.

It’s not like I’m sitting around expecting OH to do everything. I am grieving for someone!

Bearing in mind I’ve just got back home from seeing family now I’m gonna have to clean somewhat, Do the massive pile of dishes, do laundry, go food shopping, get uniforms and bags ready for tomorrow etc etc.

Now I’m feeling incredibly guilty that I expect too much of Oh. He does do a lot with the kids but like I said does not have to bloody lift a finger housework wise normally!

OP posts:
QueenArseClangers · 23/02/2020 15:29

I’m sorry but he isn’t a brilliant dad if he lets his DC see him treat their mother like a skivvy Sad
Have you discussed what will happen housework wise when you go back to work? Bet he hasn’t even given it a thought.

I am sorry for your loss.

Clymene · 23/02/2020 15:30

You really can complain. He's a lazy arse

FuckingHateRats · 23/02/2020 15:31

OP, what you describe as brilliant are the qualities and practices of any parent doing their job as a parent. Of course he should do these things!

I'm sure he's not a bad man, but his expectations of his contribution to a running household have been set by his mother and partly enabled by you who does not expect him to do any housework and calls it 'brilliant' when he interacts with his own children.

You deserve more help, and your children will benefit from seeing their father help their mother more practically..

Bluerussian · 23/02/2020 15:32

Your mother in law should not make any comment, it isn't her business. Why does she have to know the ins and outs of your domestic life anyway? I didn't volunteer information to either my mother or my in laws - in laws never said anything, my mother was nosy in the extreme and gave opinions on everything :-) (she had her good points).

Anyway you have recently been bereaved so you are currently in exceptional circumstances. Everyone has to make allowances for that. Mother in law is insensitive. However your husband could probably talk to her, make her see things differently - if any of you can be bothered.

Don't take it to heat.

I'm sorry about your bereavement Flowers.

WorraLiberty · 23/02/2020 15:33

Thanks all. My partner is not very domesticated. He has hoovered today and cooked. But he isn’t the best at cleaning - probably because his mum did it all for his stepdad and set this example.

Rubbish. How old is he and when was the last time he lived at his mum's? He's a grown man, he'll be able to remove dirt from surfaces and objects.

I can’t moan about him really. He is a brilliant father, baths them, does their school work, puts them into bed, does the school run when he can, takes them out etc.

That's nice but it's part of normal parenthood.

A 'brilliant' father will set a good example to his children about working as a team in a relationship and not leaving all the extra work and drudge to the other one.

I really think you need to raise the bar here and your expectations.

SallySun123 · 23/02/2020 15:34

Thank her for her concern and ask her how she would like to help during this difficult time (laundry, cooking meals for you, cleaning your house etc). If she’s traditional then she’ll be very domesticated so why not put her to work! That way you can take the break you deserve.

GrannyBags · 23/02/2020 15:37

Have you told him what she said? Has he been moaning to her or is she just interfering?

Bikerider2020 · 23/02/2020 15:37

He isn't the best at cleaning, best he starts practising?

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 23/02/2020 15:41

Tell her in no uncertain terms to butt out of your relationship.

Singlenotsingle · 23/02/2020 15:42

Didn't she offer to help? Maybe she should, if she's so concerned.

cptartapp · 23/02/2020 15:46

You've set the bar for him very low OP. He should have done today's chores. A brilliant father would have done. You're making excuses for why he couldn't. She's not even your MIL if you're not married. She's no relation to you. Ignore her.
I foresee issues when you go back to work.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/02/2020 15:47

YANBU, I've had this sort of shit from my MIL as well - she hates that DH "has" to do some cooking and washing up as well as go out to work.

We have 2 boys - I firmly believe that they need to have a decent role model and see that all "house stuff" is NOT "woman's work" and that they need to learn to cook, clean and do domestic chores just as much as I do. MIL did not implement this with her own 2 boys, she just did it all herself and the consequence is that they are not particularly good at doing it now.

She also told me that she gave up trying to get them to do anything they didn't want to when they hit their teens - she was going to leave it to their girlfriends/wives to "fix that". Thanks. And now she's trying to undermine it by telling him that he shouldn't have to do cooking and washing up after he's been at work as well, it's so unfair on him. He mostly doesn't - he does one weekday and the weekend - so it's not THAT bloody unfair!

It's absolute bollocks that a bit of housework will make him ill, by the way - that's just her pandering to his maleness.

He sounds like he's a decent bloke and is doing the right thing by you, so she should STFU and back the fuck off - you need some space and grief is exhausting in itself.

So sorry for your loss and I hope that your DH continues to support you as long as you need it, despite his mother's whinyarse mithering.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 23/02/2020 15:48

"Fuck off mil, stop being such a misogynistic twat" that should shut her up.

No able bodied adult is bad at cleaning, they are just lazy, and know someone else will do it.

AutumnRose1 · 23/02/2020 15:51

I’m sorry you’ve had a loss, OP Flowers

I’d start with this one that a pp wrote “ "I don't need your negative commentary, I am grieving, your son is supporting me, mind your own business."

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 23/02/2020 15:53

Oh and none of the things that you describe he does with the children earn him the title of "brilliant, hands on father", just father. I do all this things with my children everyday, I don't describe myself as a brilliant hands on mother. It's called being a parent.

rwalker · 23/02/2020 15:54

TBH when 1 person is at home and 1 at work in our house the person at home does all the house stuff whilst other at we we are both pulling our weight
You said he does his share with the kids think your just out of routine because recent circimstances .
Your not going to change her she's set in her ways she hasn't moved with the times

1forsorrow · 23/02/2020 15:55

Well is he unwell, under pressure, working exceptionally long hours? If any apply she is a worried mum. If none of them apply she is being ridiculous. Hard to say as we don't know the full picture.

Pilot12 · 23/02/2020 16:01

I'd have told her she's more than welcome to give him a hand if she thinks it's too much for him!

Spudlet · 23/02/2020 16:02

I’m a SAHM, DH works full time and he does plenty more than yours does. I do the majority but he’s more than capable of stepping in, and will do so without begrudging it.

Your MiL needs to mind her own business, but your partner could be doing more too - especially at a time like this. I agree with a pp that it is good for children to see both parents taking a hand in the domestic stuff.

Bluetrews25 · 23/02/2020 16:05

If he's taken a few days off to mind the DCs, how come he's 'doing too much' whan he hasn't even managed to do the bloody dishes or the washing or whatever??
Hope he's not just lazed around with the DCs playing around him and practically had a holiday?
Reassure her he is not in danger of dying of overwork. Yet.

diddl · 23/02/2020 16:05

"He is a brilliant father, baths them, does their school work, puts them into bed, does the school run when he can, takes them out etc."

What's brilliant about any of that?

My dad was doing that in the 60s-it's hardly revolutionary!

babychange12 · 23/02/2020 16:09

Your mil needs to keep her beak out
If my mil had said anything like that, she would have got told sharpish

Winterwoollies · 23/02/2020 16:10

Oh she can fuck right off. Ill from a bit of housework? Piss off you interfering old bat.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2020 16:11

She’s just very old fashioned in her views

As are you, it would seem

IanSomerhalderIsAGod · 23/02/2020 16:15

Tell her to mind her own sexist views and keep that shit away from your kids

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