AIBU or is he?

[MarmiteRocks]

A bit of background.

I have 2 kids (10 and 8). DP and his dog live with us. Kids spent the first half of half term with their dad and are with us from Wed to Sun.

This morning, he took the dog out for a walk with a friend (he was supposed to go at 11 but changed it at the last minute to 9.45), so I took the DC swimming. We got home at about 1, all had lunch, and then I took DS2 to a friend's for a playdate. DS1 stayed at home with DP. I was an hour dropping off DS2, and when I got back DS1 and I played together whilst DP had a sleep. DP gets up, has dinner with DS1 whilst I go and collect DS2. I have my dinner when I get back and tidy the kitchen whilst he and the kids play on the X Box, and I pop upstairs to do some stuff on my computer.

I have been upstairs for about 5 minutes before he comes up and says "I demand you come here for a hug". I told him I was in the middle of doing something. He said "can't you make time for me?" to which I replied I could but not at that moment. He went off downstairs. After about 15 minutes I went and found him and asked him if he still wanted the hug, but he said no. He has now taken the dog out again.

AIBU to spend 5 minutes to myself?

It's the first 5 minutes I've had to myself all day (other than driving to and from DS2's playdate which is 10 mins each way). I feel like I give all the time and am allowed to have a few minutes to myself.

I can see that he just wanted to connect with me but he's in a piss now and I don't know if I am BU or not?

Well yes of course you are but at the same time he had been helping look after your kids all day. He probably felt quite put out you weren't very appreciative of him in those circumstances. I would have probably felt the same. I'm assuming the "I demand" was in a jokey tone rather than serious.

He hadn't been helping all day. He looked after DS1 for an hour and a half and played X box with them both for half an hour. That's not all day in my eyes. I see your point though.

It was semi jokey, yes.

You're not unreasonable wanting some time to yourself but the poor guy only wanted a hug. I would've been upset too if I were him tbh

I just feel demanded upon all the time.

Perhaps he should have spent time with you instead of having a nap, if he's allowed time to do that why aren't you allowed time to yourself ?

Your feelings about being in demand are valid but imo you picked the wrong hill to die on.

I just feel demanded upon all the time

By him specifically, or by the pressures of having your kids?

I just feel demanded upon all the time.

This is how it is when you have children ( and a partner). Difficult, but choices have consequences

I get where you're coming from, sometimes I just want personal space for 5 minutes & my DH always demands that moment for a kiss or something but really, I give him a kiss & then hes happy & I go back to quiet time.

YANBU. I think it's pretty immature to get stroppy when someone doesn't instantly capitulate to you.

I think he just wanted a bit of attention. I think YAB a bit U

I think he just wanted a bit of attention. I think YAB a bit U

And she wanted a bit of personal time and was in the middle of doing something. He then got stroppy about it, like a 5-year-old.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing-how it really should have played out was “yeah come here I’ll give you a hug, but then I just need ten mins to myself to do x”. A hug might have made you feel better too-you never know.

Should say I’m a huge fan a cuddles.

It’s a hug...why couldn’t you just hug him? You’d be more upset if he didn’t want hugs or attention from you

I get where you're coming from but his wording is weird. I would've just laughed and given him a quick cuddle then got on with whatever it was I was doing. Hugs are always freely given here, standing there waiting for a hug you've had to ask for makes it all a bit strange.
I completely understand needing and wanting just a few minutes to yourself though, maybe he shouldn't have followed you up the stairs like that.

@datasgingercatspot

Or, looked at a different way, he'd spent all day helping her look after her kids and helping her juggle them, then she went upstairs and left him with them and when he went upstairs to politely shake things up she was rude to him. That's assuming I've read the OP right and these are her kids, not his.

My DH does this although his sulk lasts about 5 minutes but he just doesn’t understand that sometimes I just want to get stuff done and relax myself

You feel 'demanded' on to give your partner a hug? If so, then maybe you need to rethink your relationship.

It's just a hug, no wonder he felt rejected, he's been decent with your kids. I think you've both been unreasonable, you for refusing a hug and him for stropping.

I was doing something for myself for the first time all day. Surely I am allowed to say no to a hug? My kids say no to hugs. I support them to say no to hugs if they don’t want to. I just want some fucking space sometimes. My eldest son has ASD and has been on the edge of a meltdown since he came back from his dad’s (he’s been ill so is feeling out of sorts), both kids have woken in the night every day this week since they’ve been back and I’m knackered.

he'd spent all day helping her look after her kids and helping her juggle them,

Oh, give over! He went out, he took a nap, she already explained he had not spent all day helping her look after her kids (I thought that's what you did when you moved in with someone who had kids) and bending over backwards, they were playing the X-box. Kids can do that without his help.

No wonder so many women on here have such shit relationships, the expectation from men is below seal level and the dickpandering is at Everest level. He does one thing and he's helping her juggle her life and duh, who would want a partner who isn't decent to their kids, that's a minimum. It's not exactly doing someone a huge favour.

Oh, Marmite, this is MN. Women are supposed to put up with just about anything because they're so lucky to have A Man in their life. He was ridiculous to strop about it. I personally hate people who try to force affection on me (and yes, I have also taught my kids that they can say NO to that as well and it doesn't make them an ogre) and would be super irritated by that. I'd have just said, 'Sorry, I'm in the middle of something, I'll be over there in a sec.' It's hard on par with telling them to go take a long walk off a short pier.

I only want hugs with people that want hugs, yanbu.

Sorry but Yabu. I'd always give my dp a hug if he asked for one. Or anyone in fact. Takes twenty seconds, means a lot.
Also, your kids are 10 & 8. They shouldn't really require input.
Mine are 9&11 and I think it's wonderful looking after them at the moment- they still technically need someone to be here, but I don't actually have to do anything at all,except make food.

Ah. Missed the ASD. I'm guessing that makes a big difference.