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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is he?

51 replies

MarmiteRocks · 22/02/2020 18:54

A bit of background.

I have 2 kids (10 and 8). DP and his dog live with us. Kids spent the first half of half term with their dad and are with us from Wed to Sun.

This morning, he took the dog out for a walk with a friend (he was supposed to go at 11 but changed it at the last minute to 9.45), so I took the DC swimming. We got home at about 1, all had lunch, and then I took DS2 to a friend's for a playdate. DS1 stayed at home with DP. I was an hour dropping off DS2, and when I got back DS1 and I played together whilst DP had a sleep. DP gets up, has dinner with DS1 whilst I go and collect DS2. I have my dinner when I get back and tidy the kitchen whilst he and the kids play on the X Box, and I pop upstairs to do some stuff on my computer.

I have been upstairs for about 5 minutes before he comes up and says "I demand you come here for a hug". I told him I was in the middle of doing something. He said "can't you make time for me?" to which I replied I could but not at that moment. He went off downstairs. After about 15 minutes I went and found him and asked him if he still wanted the hug, but he said no. He has now taken the dog out again.

AIBU to spend 5 minutes to myself?

It's the first 5 minutes I've had to myself all day (other than driving to and from DS2's playdate which is 10 mins each way). I feel like I give all the time and am allowed to have a few minutes to myself.

I can see that he just wanted to connect with me but he's in a piss now and I don't know if I am BU or not?

OP posts:

Spied · 22/02/2020 20:57

I think he sounds a decent guy from what can be gaged by this snapshot of your life.
You however sound frazzled.
He was trying his best to give you a little pick-me-up and you shot him down.
He probably hasn't had the best of days either.

Pippa12 · 22/02/2020 20:57

Ridiculous... a grown man couldn’t wait for a hug while you did something? Let him stay out with his dog and sulk, of course your allowed 5 minutes to yourself!

aSofaNearYou · 22/02/2020 21:01

OP specifically mentioned three occasions where he had been left alone to look after the kids that day. Yes he had a nap during that time but the other things still happened. He didn't have to do any of it. She doesn't need to be grateful to have "a man" in her life but yes she needs to be grateful to anyone looking after her kids for her. That is a favour.

OP could, and should, have said no to the hug politely if she didn't want one. As much as she wants it, she is not really entitled to take herself off for time by herself whilst expecting her partner to look after her kids for her unless he is happy to do it, that is the nature of them not being his kids. She said herself her kids have recently been hard work, so all the more reason not to impose upon him and then not even be grateful for it.

I don't know what their dynamic is like and he may well have been happy to do it, but morally yes I think she is being unreasonable for snapping at him about wanting her own space while he is downstairs looking after her kids, and yes she should be grateful to him for doing it.

datasgingercatspot · 22/02/2020 21:04

She doesn't need to be grateful to have "a man" in her life but yes she needs to be grateful to anyone looking after her kids for her. That is a favour.

He fucking lives there, is he supposed to ignore them if she doesn't bow and scrape with gratitude that he's playing X-box with them? They're not toddlers, they're at an age where they don't have to be heavily supervised.

He chose to move in with a person with kids, so is every woman whose boyfriend moves in supposed to do what he wants when he wants it because they need to be grateful he 'helps' out?

frazzledasarock · 22/02/2020 21:08

I’m on the side of yanbu, you hardly ‘shot him down’, you nicely told him you were in the middle of something.

If you don’t want a if right then you don’t want a hug. That’s that.

He’s blowing it out of proportion.

Very bemused at spending an hour playing on Xbox with kids being ‘looking after the kids all day’! Man had a nap in the middle of the day too.

Sometimes it’s a race to the bottom here where expectations of men in relationships is concerned.

aSofaNearYou · 22/02/2020 21:10

🤦‍♀️ you're phrasing it as though I should be shocked, but yes, a parent should always be grateful to someone who is not their child's parent looking after them for her. Of course they should. That doesn't mean he gets a free pass to behave however he likes in other matters, and she must put up with it, of course not, but watching her kids for her is a favour not a duty, and she should be aware of that. It means she can't just say "I need some alone time, you're watching the kids", because they are her responsibility. She needs to ask, preferably politely.

If the kids don't need supervision, then that is different, but it doesn't read that way to me.

aSofaNearYou · 22/02/2020 21:17

Sometimes it's a race to the bottom here where expectations of men in relationships is concerned

And for the record, this is not a man thing. I don't have low expectations of men at all. I have high expectations of parents not taking advantage when it comes to partners responsibilities to their kids.

If I had been helping on and off with my step son all day, who had been difficult lately, and my partner decided he was off upstairs and I could deal with him, I would have been angry at that point (and said absolutely no way.) If I had been perfectly polite to him afterwards and he had been rude to me, I would have been absolutely fuming and be telling him I wanted some time alone so if he wanted someone to watch his kid he'd need to do it himself.

KarmaStar · 22/02/2020 21:17

Here we go yet again ,op asks if being unreasonable and when any Yabu replies come up the op argues that they are not.why bother posting?I don't understand!

frazzledasarock · 22/02/2020 21:19

I’ve never been greatful to my DP for being around my house when my dc were that age, they could take care of themselves and me being out for an hour didn’t require for them to be supervised.

I am incredibly greatful when he ferries then around to various activities and does other things for them. But being in the same house as them for an odd hour whilst I run errands hasn’t ever made me feel indebted to him.

TypingError · 22/02/2020 21:23

He probably felt rejected and maybe embarrassed. I'd be a bit upset if I asked my husband for a hug and he said no. It takes seconds.

fmpc · 22/02/2020 21:48

Missing the point, but how did a 10 min trip each way take an hour?

Original poster

MarmiteRocks · 22/02/2020 21:57

@fmpc I talked to the mum for a while (who I haven't seen for 6 months).

@KarmaStar fair enough if all of the comments had said yes YABU. However not all of them do, and I think it's fair enough that I can come back and disagree with some of what's been said. I agree with some of it. I am grateful that he helped out with the kids; he offers and sometimes I say yes, like today, although I often say no as they are my kids and I don't ever expect him to look after them (but saying no actually causes more problems because he gets offended when I say no).

@Spied yes I would say you have got the situation spot on.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2020 22:34

How have things been between you since?

Quartz2208 · 22/02/2020 22:40

I am surprised so many people are adamant that you are being unreasonable. You took yourself off and he immediately came and demanded a hug and then went off on a sulk. Why didnt he come and hug you

mrwalkensir · 22/02/2020 22:41

He only wanted a hug- can't you give him 10 seconds to show that you appreciate him? His primary relationship is with you - and a hug would have boosted both of you.

PinkiOcelot · 22/02/2020 22:43

How long would it have taken to give him a hug?!

Bluntness100 · 22/02/2020 22:45

As a pp said, this is the wrong hill to die on, he only wanted a hug. I get you’re all,stressed out and wanted him to care for your kids whilst you did your own thing alone, but. You know, they are your kids, not his.

Original poster

MarmiteRocks · 23/02/2020 10:45

and a hug would have boosted both of you

How presumptuous! It might help you but I am not always in the mood for hugs just because someone else demands them.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2020 11:32

I think you are still too focused on whether you particularly wanted a hug at that time and not focused enough on whether it was appropriate to be rude to him in that moment. Did his phrasing get your back up?

If he's often offering to help look after the kids then he's probably hoping to feel like he's really helping you and it's really appreciated. The shine of helping out will wear off if your response is basically "yeah so what, you're not doing it well enough or giving me enough of the time to myself I wouldn't get any of if it weren't for you". Very few people enjoy doing favours for people who respond with open hostility.

Original poster

MarmiteRocks · 23/02/2020 14:05

@aSofaNearYou yes his phrasing annoyed me. I don't do what anyone "demands" of me. I wasn't rude to him. I just said I was in the middle of doing something else.

The thing is I don't need his help. Yes, he offers, and sometimes I accept but a lot of the time I don't, and he doesn't like that. By MN standards he shouldn't be looking after them at all, and as they are only with me for half of the time I want to spend time with them and not farm them out to someone else to look after. Yesterday he offered to look after DS1 whilst I took DS2 to his friend's but I could have just as easily taken DS1 with me. There is no expectation that he will do it.

Things are shit today but life is shit every day at the moment so there's not a huge amount of difference.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2020 14:39

I get what you're saying, but you were upstairs while your kids were still up and you said the reason was you felt put upon and needed some time to yourself because the kids had been hard work, waking in the night, and one of them was on the edge of a melt down. So what would you have been doing if he wasn't watching them? Would you have left them unsupervised? If so then fair enough, but if not, then you were expecting him to watch them so that you, their parent, could have some time away from them.

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2020 14:41

yes his phrasing annoyed me. I don't do what anyone "demands" of me.

I do get this, my partner often uses this tone and if you are already frazzled and irritated then it doesn't always sit well. Thing is though it is meant as a joke and it would be really embarrassing to have it thrown in your face. It might not be the best joke but it sounds like it was intended to lighten the mood.

gamerwidow · 23/02/2020 14:51

OP you don't have to hug someone if you're not in the mood for it. Yes it would have only taken a minute but no-one should be demanding any sort of intimacy from you and then throwing a strop when they don't get it.

a hug would have boosted both of you no it wouldn't have, it would have made the OP angry and resentful that she was suppressing her needs to keep her partner happy. If you enjoy hugs you don't want good for you but most people don't.

Original poster

MarmiteRocks · 23/02/2020 14:57

Yes I could have left them by themselves playing on the computer. I had actually gone upstairs to run the bath and at the same time took 5 minutes to myself.

OP posts:

datasgingercatspot · 23/02/2020 16:26

This.

Things are shit today but life is shit every day at the moment so there's not a huge amount of difference.

Sorry that is so. Are there some ways it can be made less shit?

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