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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex didn't tell me about his new partner before introducing her to our kids.

56 replies

Snapleton34 · 21/02/2020 19:59

Hi Mumsnetters,

I have learnt through some things that my 4yr old has said and a valentines card that I spotted whilst dropping my two children off that my ex has a new partner. Emotionally, all I feel is shock that anyone would want to be with him. However, if my ex was going to introduce a new adult to my children's life that could be a long term fixture he should have talked to me first. We have never discussed how we would deal with new partners, when we would and how we would introduce them to the children.

I am really angry that I had to learn about this through my son but have no idea how to deal with it.

A few notes about my ex, he is completely uncommunicative. I am the primary carer and in the days that I have them he makes no contact asking about them, never attempts to call them or ask me about school, clubs, friends etc. ANYTHING!! I sent a message before Christmas asking if we could talk about my sons schooling, he didn't respond and yet he complained in mediation that I never consulted with him in choosing our sons nursery.

Basically, he hates me with the fire of a thousand sons so if I request anything he will ignore it.

Any ideas on how I should deal with the situation would be gratefully received.

Thanks

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 21/02/2020 20:01

I understand your frustration but unfortunately you can’t insist on being consulted and it sounds as thought it’s too late anyway. All you can do is be supportive of your children while they process the new situation

37TTCLeeds · 21/02/2020 20:01

I'm sure there will be opinions contrary to this but there is nothing to deal with. He is your ex and it's not your business anymore.

Snaleandthewhail · 21/02/2020 20:02

Not withstanding the fact he sounds like a first class idiot, I’m afraid that his current and future live life is not something he ever needs to discuss with you.

On the other hand, you are completely free to do as you wish love life side.

Fairylea · 21/02/2020 20:03

You smile and nod and let him get on with it. It’s hard but unfortunately there is absolutely zero you can do about it and in a way he is right, what he does on his time and with whom is up to him.

unicornsarereal72 · 21/02/2020 20:05

How long have you been separated? He sounds like a very difficult man to deal with. So I wouldnt bother because you arent going to make him see sense about the situation. And he will feel like it has some sort of affect over you and your emotions. I would do nothing. Pay it no Attention at all.

I do agree in an ideal world he would inform you that your ds will being meeting this person and hope they have a long term relationship Ahead of them. But in reality there is little you can do.

Be supportive of your ds. Keep it light but ensure that he isn't in a situation that makes him unhappy.

FleetwoodMacMummy · 21/02/2020 20:05

I get why your angry/upset but to be honest it has nothing to do with you and he doesn't need to discuss it with you - just as you would not have to discuss it with him if it was reversed.

Smidge001 · 21/02/2020 20:05

There's nothing to deal with. He's your ex. He's allowed to have another relationship, and to introduce his new partner to his child without consulting you.
He's got the same parental rights to decide when he does this and to use his own judgement.

Your responsibility is only to your child and being supportive if necessary. Generally 'being supportive' means encouraging a good relationship between your son and his father's partner, so he feels happy to go there and not guilty about enjoying his time.

Gabrielknight · 21/02/2020 20:06

It really has nothing to do with you....

Bluetrews25 · 21/02/2020 20:47

If he hates you, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he has got to you.
It's already happened.
Don't make it into an issue.

Whynosnowyet · 21/02/2020 20:49

Ime the best way to piss him off is to be pleasant about /to his new gf...

OhCaptain · 21/02/2020 20:50

Honestly unless you have a reason that the children are in any sort of danger, there’s nothing you can or should do.

I don’t think an ex is obliged to tell you who his personal life. Sorry!

What difference would it make anyway? To you, I mean.

LolaSmiles · 21/02/2020 20:51

I understand how you feel and why you may feel that way, but his love life is none of your business (extenuating circumstances aside).

You're both free to move on as long as you place the children first.

Voxx · 21/02/2020 20:54

He sounds a bit of a twat all round.

It’s not wise to introduce a new partner quickly and it would have been courteous of him to discuss it with you first. But you can’t make him do the decent thing so the only thing to do is rise above it.

JosefKeller · 21/02/2020 20:59

in an ideal world, he should warn you before introducing his new partner. A heads up is not that much to ask. You have no say about said partner, it has nothing to do with you, but keeping you in the loop should be basic politeness, for the sake of the children.

The only way to deal with it is... do nothing. There's nothing to be done. Don't show your upset as your kids will end up stuck in the middle and that's not fair.

OhCaptain · 21/02/2020 21:05

That’s interesting what you say about for the sake of the children.

I wonder what actual difference it would make to the children for OP to know that her ex is seeing someone? Genuinely curious!

JosefKeller · 21/02/2020 21:09

I wonder what actual difference it would make to the children for OP to know that her ex is seeing someone? Genuinely curious!

Kids are not stupid. If they feel that they have to hide that kind of information, or their mother is not reacting well, it put them in a tricky position.

If the mother is warned, ready to answer any question or possible anxiety about new partner, it makes the kids life so much easier. It should not be a big deal, or not a bigger deal than it is. No child should be made to chose between their mum or dad.

Lanurk · 21/02/2020 21:11

Yabu sorry. Would you introduce him to a new boyfriend before introducing your kids? Why would it be any of his business.

Voxx · 21/02/2020 21:15

@OhCaptain It wouldn’t bother me if my ex was dating in the sense that I’ve moved on and don’t give a shiny shite who he shags. I would want to know if he was introducing a girlfriend to my children. That would be a big deal for them and I like to know about the big things that are going on in my children’s lives.

PumpkinP · 21/02/2020 21:21

I think yabu, my ex is absent so this doesn’t apply to me but if he was around I wouldn’t want to get his permission before I introduced them to anyone.

OhCaptain · 21/02/2020 21:24

But obviously the dc didn’t feel they needed to hide anything because OP says they mentioned it!

And so how OP reacts is down to her isn’t it?

I personally think it’s too soon for him to have introduced them to a girlfriend but I don’t know that OP needed to be told. It might not be that big of a deal between them yet!

Babyg1995 · 21/02/2020 21:26

Yabu plus the being upset about him not being in contact with you is a but much too if he's a good dad when he has the children what's the issue obviously if there's an emergency he should be in contact with you.

Original poster
Snapleton34 · 21/02/2020 22:21

Thank you everyone for your messages. I'm not too sure what some of the acronyms mean on here.
@OhCaptain The most important thing in a separation is to protect the children to the best of our ability and support them through what can be an emotional and sticky time. The only way to do this is by being courteous and keeping the lines of communication open. Firstly, be wise, I would never introduce a new partner to my children until I'd known them for at least a year and was sure that they were going to be a long term fixture. I would tell their father and even promote an introduction first. However, in my circumstances because of the personality of my ex this could be tricky.
If I am informed I cannot be caught off guard, which makes my children feel secure.
@Gabrielknight You said what is it to do with me. I am the mother of our children, in my world that demands respect. If the children see that he respects me then they will know it is important to respect me and visa versa.
I am unable to wash my hands of my parental responsibilities when I hand my children over to him, they are my children 24/7 whether they are physically with me or not.
@Smidge001 At no point did I say he shouldn't/couldn't have a relationship, I have no emotional connection to him and am not personally affronted, this is a matter of wellbeing for my children. The best possible outcome is that I could meet her and build a relationship with her, however, this is made impossible because of my ex's behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snapleton34 · 21/02/2020 22:29

@Babyg1995 He loves the children there is no doubt about that, but that doesn't make a good parent.
Like I said i'm interested in my kids every second of every day so not being interested in anything they do when they are not with him is beyond comprehension to me. If he was willing or took some sort of initiative to communicate with them/me he could have a more active role in their lives.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 21/02/2020 22:55

Oh, OP, you could be headed down a path of constant squabbles and discord here. That won’t help your children.

You can’t demand respect whether you’re a mother or not! Nor can you control what he does, only what you do.

You are very focused on your children that much is clear. So I’m sure you handled it just fine even if you had no prior knowledge!

If you have certain expectations and they’re not met, you’re just going to be resentful and annoyed.

This thread shows that some people agree with your thinking and some don’t. You think one thing, their father obviously thinks the other.

I still believe prior knowledge of a partner would be nice, but not necessary. And certainly not obligatory!

You could try to promote an introduction but if any of the other people involved didn’t want one then there wouldn’t be a thing you could do about it!

I personally don’t think you need to know a person or even necessarily of a person to help your children.

I think it would have been nice to have a heads up but like I said, you can’t do anything about his behaviour, only yours.

unicornsarereal72 · 22/02/2020 07:11

He will use this as another 'stick to beat you with'. Don't give him any ammunition. Rise above it.

This person may become significant in your ds life. She may not. So long as your son is safe in his dads care I wouldn't get involved. Being. Polite and civil shows that you and your ex have respect and boundaries in place.

My ex had ow/gf at contact from day one. He wanted a reaction from me. The children tell me she is kind. That's all I need to know. And I always talk positively about her and their dad. In over 2 years I have never laid eyes on her. I don't wish too and don't need too.

I didn't make an issue about it because I don't want my ex feeling obliged about knowing about my relationships. So it works both ways.

If there is a co parenting situation then In time it would be appropriate for all the adults to be more involved. That should evolve in time. In my situation the children spend one weekend a month at most with their father so I don't feel I need to know their dads girlfriend.