My ex didn't tell me about his new partner before introducing her to our kids.

[Snapleton34]

Hi Mumsnetters,

I have learnt through some things that my 4yr old has said and a valentines card that I spotted whilst dropping my two children off that my ex has a new partner. Emotionally, all I feel is shock that anyone would want to be with him. However, if my ex was going to introduce a new adult to my children's life that could be a long term fixture he should have talked to me first. We have never discussed how we would deal with new partners, when we would and how we would introduce them to the children.

I am really angry that I had to learn about this through my son but have no idea how to deal with it.

A few notes about my ex, he is completely uncommunicative. I am the primary carer and in the days that I have them he makes no contact asking about them, never attempts to call them or ask me about school, clubs, friends etc. ANYTHING!! I sent a message before Christmas asking if we could talk about my sons schooling, he didn't respond and yet he complained in mediation that I never consulted with him in choosing our sons nursery.

Basically, he hates me with the fire of a thousand sons so if I request anything he will ignore it.

Any ideas on how I should deal with the situation would be gratefully received.

Thanks

Op, he’s not going to fully inform you nor is he going to decide your parenting rules apply. He is equally at liberty to do exactly as you’re doing, telling the kids “that’s not how we do things here” when they refer to how you do things. He’s also free to email you telling you how he thinks it should be done, and that your way is wrong, as you do to him.

There are no rights and wrongs in terms of the parenting things you describe, it’s about the individual opinion. You both have different views on how to parent.

I think you need to accept he is not going to fully inform you of things, and will parent as per his feelings, as you parent as per yours.

I’d stop fighting it, because it’s not going to make him do things the way you wish. It’s just going to keep making the situation worse. By constantly telling him what he does is wrong, it’s only going to make him go further and further no contact with you, it won’t make him think “gosh she’s right” it never does in an acrimonious split.

I think many posters are being unnecessarily hard and quite unrealistic.

The OP can't control who her ex has a relationship with, but it is wrong IMO that he didn't let her know that he would be introducing a new partner to their DCs.

Any reasonable person would have done this just to create smooth transition, but unfortunately the ex is probably doing everything he can to upset the OP.

Op, what would have changed had he told you?

When I heard about exh new girlfriend I just showed no reaction. The kids dont have to know you are shocked/surprised/ annoyed.

It would be great if everything was really communicative. But it's not. That's just how it is.

Getting angry because of things like this, when theres no obligation for him to act how you want, is helping who?

The thing is it's all very well saying he should have done this or that. But you can't force him at the end of the day.

He is their dad, as much as you are their mum, and he doesn't have to do as he's told by you in terms of the kids. I agree with what you say in terms of what's best for the kids but he doesn't have to abide by your rules on his contact time. It's something I fear you may have to get used to which is why people are recommending dealing with your reaction to this stuff rather than arguing with him over it.

Doesn't mean I or other posters think he's right. But realistically what can OP actually do? Arguing back and forth is not going to get anyone anywhere. At the moment, he's not abusing or mistreating his kids, he's doing things in a way that OP might not agree with, but they aren't unsafe.

You can't force someone to tell you about a new partner, arrange a nice coffee and chat with new partner and ex before meeting the kids etc... Yes it would be great but in real life it doesn't work that way and you can't decide for your ex. He didn't want to tell you about her and he probably doesn't want you to have a meet up with her either, nothing you can do unfortunately, it's his choice.

The OP can't control who her ex has a relationship with, but it is wrong IMO that he didn't let her know that he would be introducing a new partner to their DCs. Any reasonable person would have done this just to create smooth transition, but unfortunately the ex is probably doing everything he can to upset the OP.

This is your opinion. It is clearly not his. And he is entitled to his opinion. They do not communicate, they dislike each other intently. Exactly what would have happened if he told her, other than some nuclear fall out, where she insisted on meeting or forming a relationship when she doesn’t even have one with him. She’s also clear it should be a year. Their opinions differ. Your opinion differs. What matters is his opinion. He is just as entitled as her to make decisions.

There is no right or wrong. Just different opinions.

And as for him trying to upset her, they are clearly both playing that game. They are both at it. She emails frequently him telling him how to parent, what he does wrong, and she wants to be fully informed of everything he does. That’s fine.shes laying down her rules and opinions. He has chosen to withdraw from her as much as possible and not engage. That’s also fine, dependant on just how toxic he finds dealing with her.

Either way, this isn’t an amicable split. Far from it, And it’s showing in how they treat each other. She goes after him, he withdraws and ignores her.

She tries to hide she’s annoyed by how he parents in front of the kids, but tells them that’s not how we do things here, there is no give. He is likely doing the same.

All in its shit and the lack of consistency and hatred for each other likely negatively impacting the kids.

My DHs ex said this when we met and started trying to stipulate certain number of months before I could be introduced to his son.

Then- a couple of months later she got a boyfriend, and it was just a couple of months before Christmas and therefore she wanted to introduce him to her son before the aforementioned 'appropriate' number of months she previously stipulated. My DH couldn't have cared less and told her to do what she wants. As he trusts her as a mother. It's now 8 years later and we're all still together (and actually all get on pretty well)
I suppose my point is, you had a kid with him, he still has contact with your son so I assume you trust him as a father so trust this too. Which should be made easier by knowing that you really can't do anything about it at all.