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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex didn't tell me about his new partner before introducing her to our kids.

56 replies

Snapleton34 · 21/02/2020 19:59

Hi Mumsnetters,

I have learnt through some things that my 4yr old has said and a valentines card that I spotted whilst dropping my two children off that my ex has a new partner. Emotionally, all I feel is shock that anyone would want to be with him. However, if my ex was going to introduce a new adult to my children's life that could be a long term fixture he should have talked to me first. We have never discussed how we would deal with new partners, when we would and how we would introduce them to the children.

I am really angry that I had to learn about this through my son but have no idea how to deal with it.

A few notes about my ex, he is completely uncommunicative. I am the primary carer and in the days that I have them he makes no contact asking about them, never attempts to call them or ask me about school, clubs, friends etc. ANYTHING!! I sent a message before Christmas asking if we could talk about my sons schooling, he didn't respond and yet he complained in mediation that I never consulted with him in choosing our sons nursery.

Basically, he hates me with the fire of a thousand sons so if I request anything he will ignore it.

Any ideas on how I should deal with the situation would be gratefully received.

Thanks

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/02/2020 07:27

How long have you been split op? I also wonder if this is more about the fact he has a new partner. You say you’re in a state of shock anyone would wish to be with him, so part of it is definitely about him having met someone.

I understand yes it would be better to tell you, but the reality is, as your relationship is over, he does not need to do this, and retains his full parental rights. In addition you are both not in a good place in terms of your relationship. If you were he may have told you. The rationale that you wished to build a relationship with her is a bit unrealistic when you have no relationship with him and he hates you.

I think you need to let this one go, it’s his call, and there is no rule that says he has to tell you, don’t make it a thing or difficult for the kids.

heartsonacake · 22/02/2020 07:31

YABU. It’s really none of your business who your child sees or meets during contact time with your ex.

He is their parent too and has the right to make decisions about who he introduces his child to. He doesn’t need to run it past you and he doesn’t need to tell you.

adaline · 22/02/2020 07:32

Who he spends his time with is nothing to do with you. Just like who you spend your time with is nothing to do with him.

You're not together anymore. His love life is none of your business.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/02/2020 08:04

Do nothing
Say nothing
Fuck him

Seriously don’t give it head space , he won’t change and he will just think you are jealous

Just store it as an example of shitty behaviour ?

Hercwasonaroll · 22/02/2020 08:09

Why do you need to know? It's nothing to do with you.

Get on with your own life and leave him to it.

Original poster
Snapleton34 · 22/02/2020 08:29

@OhCaptain I understand what you are saying and I know it is true. "You can't control what he does only what I do" is something I have heard time and time again. I can't help myself trying though, I have sent him emails about numerous things including stopping giving our daughter her dummy, she doesn't use it at home anymore, asking him to introduce a nigh time routine as the kids come back exhausted, pleading with him to stop giving our son the ipad at bedtime and read him a bedtime story instead. I know he will totally ignore me and do as he likes which causes me stress and upset.
So yes I counteract it as best I can by doing ALL the hard bits of parenting which will actually shape the people they become, creating a happy and safe home and trying never to get visibly cross by what my son says about Daddy's house and just saying that isn't how we do things here.
It's just such a shame we couldn't have a more amicable and open relationship.

OP posts:
Bluewater1 · 22/02/2020 08:34

I think it is courtesy to let your DC's other parent know that you are going to introduce your children to an new SO. But it sounds like it has already happened. So I would leave things as they are now

JustWearThePants · 22/02/2020 08:42

Would it have been courteous of him to tell you? Yes.

But it doesn't sound like you have the most amicable relationship and so, although I appreciate the annoyance, I don't think there's anything you can do. Technically it's not your business whether he has a new partner and whether they are there during his contact time.

I also don't think you can demand respect. Not many people I know would respect someone who demanded it. We respect who we respect, it can't be forced in my opinion. Unfortunately, and I'm not saying it's right, your ex doesn't seem to want to communicate, respect or co parent in the way you want him too. I would look for ways of dealing with your reactions to stuff like this because the likelihood is it won't change no matter how many emails you send him. You're in for a long time of anger, arguments, upset etc.. otherwise.

MarieQueenofScots · 22/02/2020 08:43

YANBU.

Courtesy would state that something that has the potential to affect mutual children should be at least discussed in terms of giving a heads up to the other parent.

curlsnotfrizz · 22/02/2020 08:53

you need to let go, no matter how hard that is. It's really none of your business anymore.

I guess you would not consult ex either if you had a new partner you wanted DD to meet.

OhCaptain · 22/02/2020 09:05

@Snapleton34 the dummy and iPad etc are just good parenting, not the same as demanding respect and being a part of who they meet when they’re with daddy.

I agree with you, I’m just saying to pick your battles.

You know he’s a bit of a dick, right? So the more you try to control what he does with his own children, the less he’ll listen.

Everything you’re saying might be for their benefit but you’re still telling him how to parent and he’s not coming across as someone who’ll just meekly accept that you know best, and follow your instructions.

So the absolute best thing for you and your children is to back off. The less you care, the happier they’ll be and you’ll be.

They’re not in danger. They’re loved and taken care of. He’s doing things differently to you which is a bit crap but not the end of the world, IYSWIM?

GabriellaMontez · 22/02/2020 09:14

You have set ideas of how to parent and how to separate.

They may be good. It doesn't matter he'll never listen to you.

The only surprising thing is that that still surprises you. If he's a knob. He wont change.

Do what @ohcaptain said and free everyone from expectations youll never have met.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/02/2020 09:23

Just let it go ! He parents his way and on paper, yours is better
But you are wasting time and emotions telling him shit . Unless it’s life threatening (medication etc ) let it slide

The alternative is NO contact which leaves you with devavsted kids and no down time

Stop trying to make him change , he is crap
And you know that . If you can let it slide you
Will have so much mental
PeaceFlowers

Mintychoc1 · 22/02/2020 09:25

Ah the classic MN double standard. The father can introduce a new woman within 5 minutes of the separation, but a single mother must wait at least 5 years before letting the kids meet her new boyfriend. I see this time and again on here.

Original poster
Snapleton34 · 22/02/2020 09:30

@curlsnotfrizz Yes I would inform him even promote an introduction between the two men before introducing him to the children as previously stated. Continuity between the two houses is best for the children. The only way to achieve that is by communicating, it is as though he feels that by talking to me he is giving me something and by holding back he is punishing me.
@OhCaptain it is impossible to demand respect I just believe the person who looks after the children for the majority of the time deserves respect. If I am honest I struggle to find respect for him but I always strive to demonstrate it in front of the children. Talking to the mother of your children isn't even respect it is common courtesy that makes everyones life better and easier.
The courts and mediation always focus on what is best for the children, being open and communicative where no-one can get the wrong end of the stick, confuse the children due to inconsistency, give the children wrong information because you haven't been fully informed is vital. Being open about a new adult in your children's life falls under this and if he really cared about the wellbeing of his children then he would have done the right thing and reach out to me and speak to me.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 22/02/2020 09:30

Really minty? This isn't about how long someone should wait. It's about should the ex be informed.

Do we even know how long the op has been separated?

Alsohuman · 22/02/2020 09:34

It’s not your circus or your monkeys. He’s your ex and has no obligation to consult you about his personal life.

GabriellaMontez · 22/02/2020 09:38

He's not going to fully inform you about many things over the next 14 years.

Arguably he doesn't need to.

And you can avoid confusion or wrong information by telling your child honestly "I dont know, daddy didn't tell me" and responding in a genuine, honest way to information they give you "daddy's getting married, what a surprise!" Etc

Plan some stock lines in advance.

Hercwasonaroll · 22/02/2020 09:44

This has nothing to do with how long you've been split up.

You may want him to inform you about his partner. But he doesn't have to. Why does it make a difference to you?

You clearly don't parent amicably. Either he is a total nob or you are trying to control things. I imagine the truth is somewhere in between.

Nowayorhighway · 22/02/2020 09:45

You honestly just have to grin and bear it. Once you separate you pretty much lose control over what happens when they spend time with him, it’s just something you have to accept. I’d always raised my DC veggie but as soon as we separated exH started giving them meat for example, I was angry at the time but what could I do about it really? He did it to spite me obviously but there you go...

Likewise my exH moved on after about a month, he moved in with her and her two DC straight away too. My DC have rarely seen him without her and her children also there, I just had to grin and bear it.

Livelovebehappy · 22/02/2020 09:46

Op, once a twat always a twat. Always expect the worse and then it will be a bonus if he actually behaves like a grown up. As others have said you can’t really do anything about it, but yes YANBU to at least expect him to mention the fact he is introducing his gf to your DCs.

WorraLiberty · 22/02/2020 09:53

You do sound like very different people.

I rang my ex and told him I'd be introducing the kids to my new partner (now husband). I didn't 'promote an introduction' first because my ex's opinion made no difference to me whatsoever.

Unless you're different in RL (quite possible), you do sound a bit emotionally charged and a tad dramatic - Basically, he hates me with the fire of a thousand sons

Do you think that might be a reason why he didn't inform you first or promote an introduction?

Perhaps he thought you'd take it badly?

OhCaptain · 22/02/2020 09:55

@Snapleton34 you’re posting like you’re lifting paragraphs from some twee parenting/separation book!

I don’t disagree with you as I’ve said. But there’s nothing you can do and forcing things won’t make life easier for the children.

You think he’s lazy and irresponsible. At a guess I’d say he thinks you’re controlling and too rigid.

You’re probably both slightly right and both slightly wrong!

All I’m saying is there’s a reason that people keep telling you that you can’t control what he does, only what you do. It’s because it’s the truth! And the sooner you accept, the happier you’ll all be!

OhCaptain · 22/02/2020 09:56

And @Mintychoc1 I haven’t seen anyone say that he’s allowed to introduce the children but OP has to wait?

Friendsofmine · 22/02/2020 09:57

I'm sorry OP but the bottom line is you are not together anymore and he isn't going to respect you now all of a sudden.

He ultimately doesn't care about how you feel about him having a new partner, or didn't know what to say even if he did care.

There's nothing to discuss now though as you know and can support your kids going forward.