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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who would come to your funeral if you died?

108 replies

Happygoluckydespiteitall · 21/02/2020 07:38

Having a few health issues, very scary by themselves but also as could indicate something else life limiting - hoping not but have a few dark moments wondering about my own mortality.

Got me wondering really about what would happen if I died. Before a procedure I was really nervous about, DP was instructed I want to be cremated if the worst happens.

I don't live in my home country, and have not for a long time. Honestly I don't think anyone would really notice if I died beyond a couple of family members? I think it would probably slowly filter round to old friends on Facebook and for some reason I find that a bit depressing.

My brain just doesn't compute how anyone would even know if I died, friends from the past etc. My DP only knows a few of my friends, we all live spread out, nobody would travel to a funeral for me. Weird because where I am from, funerals are A Thing and are a way of saying goodbye to the person. Tbh my family probably wouldn't even come here - too far and expensive.

I think what it brings home to me is, I'm not part of a community? So there would be no funeral really - hopefully not for a long time anyway!

Who would come to your funeral?

OP posts:

Lweji · 21/02/2020 11:03

It's about the person that dies isn't it.

Not really. In my community, we go to the funerals of close relatives of friends because we support each other. We don't necessarily know the person who died.

In a way, it's more awkward to have people who knew the deceased well, but hardly know the surviving relatives.
My work usually also sends some flowers for our relatives.
It's mostly about supporting the bereaved.

bigbluebus · 21/02/2020 11:21

I live in a decent sized village where it seems to be the done thing to turn out en masse for many funerals. When my DD died aged 22 - having been born with multiple disabilities, was non verbal and went to school 20 miles away by taxi ( so no local friends), we had no idea how many people would turn up at the funeral. There were 180 in the church (we were neither church goers or 'locals ') and 100 at the wake. They came from a huge variety of aspects of ours and DDs lives.

When my DPs died in their 80's even though they had lived in the same area for 50+ years and DF was heavily involved in the church, there were no more than 40 in church and 30 at the wake.

If i was unfortunate enough to expire in the next few years i would like to think that there would be a good turnout but if i live to a ripe old age i suspect there may be only a few ( especially if it's down to DS to organise it!).

OkMaybeNot · 21/02/2020 11:28

I wonder about this a lot. My direct maternal line of ancestors don't live past their mid-50s. Seriously, as far back as I can track (a fair few generations) they've all died at or around 55. My mum died at the age of 56 two years ago. I'm 30. I'm utterly certain that I will die at the same age.

As a result I've thought a lot about my funeral. I don't think I want a big one, just DH and the kids. I don't have many friends really and I don't see that changing in the next 20 years. I'm ok with that.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 21/02/2020 11:28

My tiny family (parents, nan, sister, sister's partner, DS, DSS1 and 2). My late DH's whole and extremely large family probably as they love a good funeral and only ever get together at them, regardless of how close they were to the deceased. Some work mates.

Evilspiritgin · 21/02/2020 11:28

@glitterbiscuits

Did your father not want to be buried with your mum?

DreemOn · 21/02/2020 11:32

No one as I won’t have a funereal. I want to have a direct to crematorium jobby instead. All my close family want the same including my parents. Only my husband wants a burial so I’ll go to his I suppose 😅

Sorry you have health issues OP, I hope things turn out ok.

Labbage · 21/02/2020 12:22

We don't necessarily know the person who died.

I find this so weird, and pointless.

Monty27 · 21/02/2020 12:27

I have spoken to my DC's about this. They understand I don't want all that service stuff. I want them to raise a glass at some gathering and remember me alive

isabellerossignol · 21/02/2020 12:50

I find this so weird, and pointless.

I've been to dozens of funerals where I didn't know the deceased, only the living relatives. The reason it's not pointless (to us) is because you're there to express sympathy to the bereaved, not to weep and wail over the deceased.

People in communities like mine find it really weird that others are so offended by people offering support.

Labbage · 21/02/2020 12:55

I'm not offended. I guess tone doesn't come across in type. I just find it strange.

My friends would of course be there for my DH and DC. They don't need a public outpouring of drama to do it.

lostinleaves · 21/02/2020 12:59

People saying they’re not having one - remember that funerals are there for the people left behind. Not you.

I won't leave anybody behind so mine is just for me, I won't have any mourners at mine.

Lweji · 21/02/2020 13:55

We don't necessarily know the person who died.

I find this so weird, and pointless.

So, you'll rather leave the bereaved alone? The bereaved will remember who was there for them and who wasn't.
The dead person won't know or care who went to their funeral.

glitterbiscuits · 21/02/2020 13:57

@Evilspiritgin - no, they were not a very sentimental couple. And my father hated to travel so he would have been horrified to have to make a long journey even if he was dead.

glitterbiscuits · 21/02/2020 14:00

For those saying funerals are for those left behind.

I still think you should respect the wishes of the deceased as far as possible.
I would hate to be the centre of attention and the waste of money would really irritate me.

Welshmaenad · 21/02/2020 14:08

Mine's all planned - natural burial at beautiful local natural burial ground and a big party afterwards with lots of cake.

I have a big family, most of whom are decent human beings, they would come. Plus my close friends and wider network.

About 400 people came to my mums. They didn't all come to the wake. We had catered for 150 and I was panicking we wouldn't have enough food. It did all run out but everyone seemed ok.

isabellerossignol · 21/02/2020 14:09

My friends would of course be there for my DH and DC. They don't need a public outpouring of drama to do it.

Maybe our experience of funerals are different? I've never been to one that could ever be described as a public outpouring of drama.

Lweji · 21/02/2020 14:10

I would hate to be the centre of attention and the waste of money would really irritate me.

Would you, really? After you were dead? Unless you stayed behind hauting your relatives and friends, how would you even know about it?

Flufferbum · 21/02/2020 14:20

@ShatnersWig me too

LonginesPrime · 21/02/2020 14:21

I don't get how my friends would know if I died as my family don't know them. And I'm not really on social media much so Facebook wouldn't help.

So assuming my parents are arranging my funeral, I guess it would just be family and family friends.

Which is a shame as I have loads of drama llamas I don't speak to anymore who I'm sure would love to play the role of grieving best friend at my funeral...

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 21/02/2020 14:21

Nobody, hopefully. I really wouldn't want to inflict the inconvenience on anyone. And anyway, I'm in good nick and plan to outlive everyone

Labbage · 21/02/2020 14:27

So, you'll rather leave the bereaved alone? The bereaved will remember who was there for them and who wasn't.

As I said, my friends would of course be there for my DH and DC. They wouldn't need or want a funeral to do it.

I've never been to one that could ever be described as a public outpouring of drama.

Then you are lucky. In my 20's - early 30's 4 friends died. One of them extremely close. I said in my first post I have unfortunately had a few friends die over the years and the grief thieves that jump on the band wagon is shocking. When one of my best friends died years ago, the amount of 'very best friends' that came out the woodwork was amazing. Her mum, her DP and I had never even heard most of their names before.

I found it all a bit 'for show' from most of them. Like when people post on FB sometimes, drama, attention seeking, a bit 'it doesn't count unless it's on FB/public.

The experiences I've had have definitely put me off ever attending another.

mountainreallyhigh · 21/02/2020 14:27

I don't want a funeral but a direct cremation.

Labbage · 21/02/2020 14:33

To add, we didn't ever see or hear from these 'very best friends' again.
We, the ones that were really friends, helped my friends young DC and her mum as much as we could, and gladly continued to do so for years. That is being there. Exactly what my friends would do for my DH and DC if something happened to me.

Hopefullysmart · 21/02/2020 14:40

No one because if my wishes are followed, I won't be having one, especially if my children were still to be young when it happened; I think it very unfair on families to have to put a brave face on and encounter (let's face it) 'randomers' on such a monumentally emotional and private day. I've also told DH I don't want to have one for him should it happen when the children are young (or even if not) and he said it's whatever makes me happy as he won't care as he won't be here.

ohtheholidays · 21/02/2020 14:44

Bloody loads of people,which I think my 5DC would be able to cope with fine but I think it could be overbearing for my poor DH.

I come from a huge family,over 300 of us,so lots of my family would be there,my 5DC,my DH,my PIL's,my Grandson,my Brother,his ex wife,my Nieces and Nephews,my Great Nieces and Nephews,Aunties and Uncles,tons of my Cousins,my second and third Cousins.

I also have alot of friends and I'm very close to several of my best friends family so they'd all come as well.

My Mums and Dads funerals were the same and were huge,I found it quite comforting that so many people loved them and were going to miss them as well.

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