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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who would come to your funeral if you died?

108 replies

Happygoluckydespiteitall · 21/02/2020 07:38

Having a few health issues, very scary by themselves but also as could indicate something else life limiting - hoping not but have a few dark moments wondering about my own mortality.

Got me wondering really about what would happen if I died. Before a procedure I was really nervous about, DP was instructed I want to be cremated if the worst happens.

I don't live in my home country, and have not for a long time. Honestly I don't think anyone would really notice if I died beyond a couple of family members? I think it would probably slowly filter round to old friends on Facebook and for some reason I find that a bit depressing.

My brain just doesn't compute how anyone would even know if I died, friends from the past etc. My DP only knows a few of my friends, we all live spread out, nobody would travel to a funeral for me. Weird because where I am from, funerals are A Thing and are a way of saying goodbye to the person. Tbh my family probably wouldn't even come here - too far and expensive.

I think what it brings home to me is, I'm not part of a community? So there would be no funeral really - hopefully not for a long time anyway!

Who would come to your funeral?

OP posts:
Original poster
Happygoluckydespiteitall · 21/02/2020 08:25

When I pass, I want the mass hysteria that took over the country when Diana died. Or else.

...or you'll thcream and thcream until you're thick? Grin

OP posts:
ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 21/02/2020 08:30

I think quite a few would come to mine if I died now. I have a small family on my side but have been fully welcomed in to my husband's very large family. So they'd all come to support him and our children. I also have a few close mum friends and a wider circle of acquaintances, and our local community is quite close too.

hereiamagain84 · 21/02/2020 08:38

Sorry you aren’t well. I’ve heard of people being cremated abroad and then “brought home” I’m irish so like a prev poster my funeral will have half the town and everyone my family knows or works with,old neighbours etc. It’s kind of our thing lol

Mammyloveswine · 21/02/2020 08:40

Ah op I suspect a lot more people would come than you think.. Also you could have your ashes sent home (or some of them!) then your family could hold a memorial service for you and say their goodbyes.

I am a mega social butterfly and have a huge family and suspect I would have lots of people attend but I think the people who would truly grieve would be around 20/30.

I hope you're ok op, as hard as it sounds try not to focus on the worst case scenario.

Thanks
StCharlotte · 21/02/2020 08:44

Again, realising you can't have children makes you think about mortality in a weird way.

Ain't that the truth!

AuntieMarys · 21/02/2020 08:45

Quite a lot...but I'm not having one. I'm having a direct cremation with no one there.

Spacie · 21/02/2020 08:48

If you're youngish your funeral will be busy,

This is true. I live next to a church and funerals for anyone who dies under about 60 are hugely busy - think people in hi-viz directing traffic. All your work colleagues will blag a day off for starters.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/02/2020 08:49

I don't think many people would for the same reason that I don't live where I grew up. I suppose I'd be buried where I grew up so my family and up to 3 old school friends. I don't know if any other friends would travel distances raging from 2-4 hours away to 8-10 hours away and abroad.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/02/2020 08:50

"For me it is essential to integrate and embed yourself in a community. "

I'm integrated in my community, but it's presumably not where I'd be buried so not sure acquaintances of the type you've mentioned would come. Single people are usually buried next to their parents aren't they? Mine are still alive so no idea where I'd go if I died before them, but I'm presuming around where I grew up even though it's not where either of them grew up.

Katrinawaves · 21/02/2020 08:52

I think you’d be surprised- though of course you’ll never actually know for sure.

My father was so terrified of a poor turnout at his funeral he actually specified in his will that it was to be immediate family only - so there were 6 people rattling round a large crem. But at least 50 came to the house after he died so he would have had a good turnout.

You don’t need to have the body to have a service, so if you are living abroad and it’s too far for your immediate family and friends to travel, they may decide to have a memorial service in your home country.

Hopefully though this is all theoretical and won’t be the case for many more years to come.

Babdoc · 21/02/2020 08:54

I’m a regular churchgoer, so my whole congregation plus family and friends would attend (I hope!)
OP, may I echo the PPs who advised you to make some connections with your local community? It may be a blessing in disguise that this illness has made you ponder the subject.
How about taking up some new hobbies, or going along to church coffee mornings or other local social events, building yourself a network of friends? Nobody needs to live in isolation unless they choose to.
Good luck, OP. I hope you have years ahead too, and my prayers that they are happy ones, filled with new friends. God bless.

Monty27 · 21/02/2020 08:55

@20Labbage were singing from the same sheet the lord is my shepherd blah blah
@22ShatnersWig that's very funny Grin
OP you sound very low. I'm sorry you're not well. It's scary I know. I'm sure you're more loved than you know.
Go out there and enjoy what you can.
Cancel your funeral plans Flowers

MeanMrMustardSeed · 21/02/2020 08:55

People saying they’re not having one - remember that funerals are there for the people left behind. Not you. Think carefully before denying your loved ones the opportunity to celebrate your life and mourn your death with some sort of gathering. It is worth noting that almost all traditions / civilisations / religions have funeral rites. It’s an important part of human existence and experience and not allowing it could be considered very selfish.

HelenaJustina · 21/02/2020 08:55

DC, DH, many siblings + spouses + their children, colleagues, friends, Church congregation.

You sound like you would like more of a network around you, is there anything you can do to build this?

Getoffmylilo · 21/02/2020 08:57

Sorry to hear you've been having health issues OP.

I'll be having direct cremation and ashes scattered in four specific locations. And a bench, love a bench! The money that would've been spent on a funeral will go on enabling the ashes to be scattered where I want (by the people that I love) and the bench.

AhoyMrBeaver · 21/02/2020 08:59

I genuinely don't know, posdibly a small crematorium full, but I'm not having a funeral anyway. A direct cremation, then leave it to those left behind if they want to do something in memoriam at some point.

isabellerossignol · 21/02/2020 09:00

Put in your will how you would like to be cremated

I don't understand this. My dad was dead and buried before we were able to get the solicitors to release the will for anyone to read, as there was so much paperwork attached to getting them to hand it over.

AhoyMrBeaver · 21/02/2020 09:01

Good point about the will. Sometimes it's too late to follow wishes in there by the time it comes to light.

Labbage · 21/02/2020 09:35

People saying they’re not having one - remember that funerals are there for the people left behind. Not you. Think carefully before denying your loved ones the opportunity to celebrate your life and mourn your death with some sort of gathering.

It's about the person that dies isn't it. My close friends know me well enough to know I hate this sort of thing and would be no party to it.
The people that don't know me well enough? Who cares.

Labbage · 21/02/2020 09:40

Good turnout

I've been told that others (not the dead person) wanted a good turnout for funerals.
Why? A bunch of people that barely knew the person there to make up the numbers.
What a complete waste of time, and a final insult to the dead person.

Aposterhasnoname · 21/02/2020 09:45

My DD and boyfriend, husband, parents, sister and husband, one nephew would, not sure about other one, probably he would. Best friend would, and probably a token representative from work. Maybe one of DH friends would come to support him as he doesn’t really have family apart from me.

Actually that’s a lot more than I would have thought to be honest.

Labbage · 21/02/2020 10:25

Another thought - If I was going to spend £2+K on a party/celebration I'd want to be there. That's a seriously extravagant party for people just there to make up the numbers the sort that would go to the opening of an envelope.

AuntieMarys · 21/02/2020 10:29

labbage totally agree.
Be nice to me when I'm alive, not dead. My wishes trump anyone elses. I hate traditional funerals.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 21/02/2020 10:43

It depends on how old you are when you die and how sociable you have been. I am arranging a parent's funeral at the mo and it is very hard to decide on numbers for Order of Service and how many to cater for at the wake.

If I were to die now I expect there would be 20 family members and maybe 15-20 close friends.

If you die when you are old you may have outlived many friends and family so there could be only a few there.

InOtterNews · 21/02/2020 10:59

In a similar situation to you OP. This week I've mainly been thinking about my unnecessary, hopefully funeral in the small hours between 2am-4am.

Basically a small quick service (cremation) followed by a massive party for friends/family. I want there to be laughter and dancing. Lots of dancing. My friends know this is what I would want